My Traumatised Son Paul.

Hello Merlino and a very warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

Your post was upsetting to read because your love for your son and your pain at how things are between you is so evident; I'm so sorry .

IMO you need counselling to help you in the first instance to understand and then come to terms with the trauma you personally experienced, that affected you psychologically and impacted on your role as a young widowed mother to your son.

If you decide to do this, you could tell your son that you're decision to have counselling is in part to try and improve your relationship with him for his sake as much as your own, because you realise that your childhood trauma and the loss of his father hasn't just negatively impacted you, but him as well. Doing this may help alleviate some of his resentment and pain; I hope so.

If you then find counselling is beneficial and your counsellor thinks it a good idea, you could ask your son if he would think about having joint counselling or counselling for himself. If he can see how this is benefiting you, he may well consider doing so.

It may be an idea to take a break and my advice is to talk this through with your son to see what he thinks. I'd avoid saying that you feel he manipulates you emotionally at this stage, focusing on how you feel that you trigger one another and you know that just being with him makes him feel wobbly.

Reassure him of the deep love you have for him and that you understand that the traumatic past still echos within him and also within (you). Ask him how he feels about you not spending Christmas together and if you feel that you can, go with whatever he wants to do.

I hope that you can with time find a way forward and if sharing here has in some small way been beneficial, please come back or if you prefer you can private message me or anyone who responds to you here.

Take care.

Smileless2012

Hello Merlino and a very warm welcome to the estrangement forum.

Your post was upsetting to read because your love for your son and your pain at how things are between you is so evident; I'm so sorry .

IMO you need counselling to help you in the first instance to understand and then come to terms with the trauma you personally experienced, that affected you psychologically and impacted on your role as a young widowed mother to your son.

If you decide to do this, you could tell your son that you're decision to have counselling is in part to try and improve your relationship with him for his sake as much as your own, because you realise that your childhood trauma and the loss of his father hasn't just negatively impacted you, but him as well. Doing this may help alleviate some of his resentment and pain; I hope so.

If you then find counselling is beneficial and your counsellor thinks it a good idea, you could ask your son if he would think about having joint counselling or counselling for himself. If he can see how this is benefiting you, he may well consider doing so.

It may be an idea to take a break and my advice is to talk this through with your son to see what he thinks. I'd avoid saying that you feel he manipulates you emotionally at this stage, focusing on how you feel that you trigger one another and you know that just being with him makes him feel wobbly.

Reassure him of the deep love you have for him and that you understand that the traumatic past still echos within him and also within (you). Ask him how he feels about you not spending Christmas together and if you feel that you can, go with whatever he wants to do.

I hope that you can with time find a way forward and if sharing here has in some small way been beneficial, please come back or if you prefer you can private message me or anyone who responds to you here.

Take care.

What a great response.

I second this and I too welcome Merlino.

All I will add is be kind to yourself.
I wish you luck

Your son is in his 60s and I'm guessing that your guilt has made it easier for him to place the blame for everything that's wrong in his life in your shoulders. Perhaps it's time to draw a line in the past. If you feel that it's better to have some space that's fine. Tell him that you're planning a quiet day at home this year. That removes any pressure. You did your best and that's enough.

I think Smileless2012 says it all.

I think as parents we often put them first but sometimes unless we put our own wellbeing first, we don't have the inner resources to help our children.

I wish my father had shown the self awareness that you have, Merlino, maybe we could have improved our relationship before it was too late.

Best wishes to you and your son.

Why not send him a written letter , wte

My dear Paul,

I decided to put my thinking in a letter, rather than phone you or start a conversation that puts you on the spot.

I have been thinking about Christmas and trying to assess what's best for everyone, and how to move forward.

Christmases are notorious for tense atmosphere, rows, tiredness and upset between families. At this stage of life I would be quite happy to just spend it on my own at home.
Would that suit you too?

I leave it to you to think about this with no pressure, and decide what you would prefer for yourself.

With my love. Mum"

I would try and sort this all out before it is too late Is he open to a third party mediating between you?

I'm sure you did your best, like we all tried to. We can give as much as we have got and sometimes that means all of us are or were at times, inadequate as parents We aren't reinventing the wheel

I think what Smileless has said is the best way. However getting counselling is very difficult unless you can pay privately dependant on where you live. If you cannot get it, arrange a time to talk with your son if possible. You can acknowledge everything you feel you let him down with and have tried since to make up for it. You were young and vulnerable when widowed in such tragic circumstances and did your best at the time, but your son felt let down and lost too and thats hard. However he is sixty and cannot keep taking the past out on you. Its bullying. You need to protect yourself from these outburst, talk to him and say you need distance, you feel guilty enough but cannot carry on with all his anger against you,

Dear Merlino, I have no experience of estrangement from an adult child so I cannot offer you advice, but I do offer my sympathy and hope for you and your son to find peace.

I’m replying to you to suggest that you ask GNHQ to remove your son’s name from the title of your post, just in case your situation is recognised, because these forums are not private, although they are anonymous.

Good luck.