Return to abuser

My daughter was in what I thought was an abusive relationship. I noticed a few things but when I asked her about it, she brushed it off. Her front door was broken because she had locked him out 😂 - she neither drinks nor smokes , so it was tough on her to wait all night for a drunken husband. She was the main bread winner.
They are now divorced.
However, I have been told that he still borrows money from her. She is regular touch with him. I think he was her first love and she can’t ever get over him. If I say anything negative about him, her hackles rise.
Fortunately her 2 children are adults and have jobs. They see their Dad. I only hope he is not borrowing money from them.
He is self employed. So he is more on the golf course than at work 😡

Karen, afraid no advice except to look after yourself, you are always there for your daughter and she knows that. Only she can alter her life but it must be very hard for you seeing her go through it. You are the steady one for your grandchildren, they need that.💐

Hello Karen, I have no personal experience but my heart goes out to you .

It's very important that you continue the contact you have with your daughter and GC so you are doing the right thing by not asking them anything about their home life as this could result in your daughter stopping your contact with them.

This is also important when communicating with your daughter which is why expressing your concerns is to be avoided.

I can't begin to imagine how worried you must be about her and the children, and I hope that the counselling you're receiving will enable you to navigate what must be a very stressful and ongoing situation.

Hey Karenw try Mumsnet too. Gransnet is lovely but there's a lot more traffic on Mumsnet and abuse is frequently discussed. Best topic to post under is probably relationships, that's where most of these discussions are. Best of luck.

This sounds dreadful. Though I don’t have personal experience involving my daughters thank God, I think it is best to keep the lines of communication open between yourself and daughter as much as possible. I would always be willing to let her return no matter how distant she may be right now. Abusive relationships can be cyclical, meaning there will be temporary good periods, bad periods, horrific incidents that cause a split, then return to temporary “good period” where the abuser convinces their victim they are changed. Then the abuse starts right back up. I don’t personally believe abusive people truly change, so I would be on standby for my daughter should she reach out for help again. I am very sorry you are going through this.

I suggest you post this on MN.
There are several threads there currently by women living under coercive control.
Posters are urging them to seek help and get out.
But it's as if they have been brainwashed.
Many are urged to turn to their parents but some say they are too ashamed to tell them or don't want to burden them etc.
I think your perspective could be of value to those trapped women too.
All the best.

Like others I cannot imagine how much torment this must be causing you but I agree that your DD and GCs need you to be there for them, so do try to keep channels of communication open, but you must be careful not to get embroiled in whatever is happening unless you fear for your DDs or GCs safety. You could very well become a safe space for them all again.

I am so sorry to read this.

I also believe you should remain positive about her choices at this time to keep the connection and keep an eye on things.

Is it possible that his mental health or other issue has been treated or he has sought help?

Karenw

I’m searching for a forum for mothers of abused daughters but having difficulty finding one. My daughter was in an abusive marriage for ten years and had two children with him. Four years ago we moved to where she was living in Florida and after a very abusive event, snuck her and my grandchildren out of the house in the middle of the night. My daughter and grandchildren have been seeing a counselor and healing for three years. My daughter is in a doctorate program and working. I have been a surrogate mother to my grandchildren during this time.
A month ago, she moved back in with her abusive ex-husband and will only text me very short responses to my texts (except during the two phone calls when she berated me for expressing my concern for her safety).
For now, she lets me see the grandchildren, even though it’s only weekly. I don’t ask them questions about the situation, but regardless can tell they have been coached not to tell me anything about what is happening in their lives.
I am grieving the loss of relationships and obviously very concerned about everyone’s safety and well-being. I am receiving counseling, but am surprised at how few services there are for parents of children who are in an abusive relationship. My research shows that victims return to their abusers an average of seven times. I consider the ramifications of these events on my grandchildren and feel a panic that is very hard to quiet.
Have you experienced anything similar and offer advice?

I beg you, if you want a relationship with your daughter and grandkids.........stop. Do not ask. Do not worry to the point where you talk to your daughter about it, AT ALL.

This is coming from experience of a mother who has thought getting involved would help and it only got estrangement, not complete, but enough to cause intense pain because of a similar situation of divorce, no abuse.

Getting involved, trying to fix the situation for one's daughter, no matter how well intended will be thrown back at you.

She will go no contact at some point if you continue.

You can't fix it. You cannot make these decisions for her, she will resent you. She already has the kids on alert with you and that tells me, you are unconsciously being villainized

In her view, you are a problem now. You need to be shut out and if you continue, she'll make sure of it. Because is HER choice and frankly you are lucky to still be a consistent presence.

Keep it that way. In some small way, let her know you are ok with her decision, you trust her judgement. You might worry, I get that, but worry will not change what is going to happen here. By letting her know you are on board with her decision to stay with him, you gain access to her and your grandkids.

It will not be your fault if it doesn't work out. And if it doesn't, the thing someone does not want to here is, I told you so.

I felt compelled to give you this warning. I got overly involved and I went from being around all the time to barely because of the friction. Be warned. I feel for you, your worry, but it won't change anything except have yourself be disposed of so she can live without judgment.

Abuse is scary. But she will know what to do if he starts up again, she will leave and you will be there with support, not I told you I was worried or I knew this would happen. This may involve some faith on your part; faith that maybe he learned his lesson and they will all be fine. It could be, you know? Sometimes people do learn. Please do not sacrifice your bond with your family over worrying about his possible behaviors. Support your daughter; fight the urge to fix it.

I'm so sorry to read about your daughter in this heart breaking situation.

I'm with Allsorts on this one .

I also think that you'll get more feedback on Mumsnet .

You could start your own forum .

Letitgo has given very sound advice based on personal experience. I have not been in your situation so can only imagine the distress you are in.
What I do know is that adult daughters will not take a scrap of advise when it comes to their relationships. You are doing an amazing job and your DD knows you are there , your GC have you too - please don't jeopardise that.
Nothing you can do but watch and wait- hard as that is !!!!
Self preservation is important- look after yourself. Your DD is a grown woman so there is little you can do .
Please take care of yourself. 💐💐

This is a horrible situation for you but try to be non-judgemental in order to keep communications open. Give up research, it will only worry you; try to live for the day and take pleasure in her company and that of the children. There is nothing else you can do at present.

Your daughter may have returned to her husband because she wants to live a family life like all her friends, and doesn't want to be seen to be dependent on her parents. She is hoping and probably pretending to herself things will be normal and she can cope.
Letitgo has given you sound advice; you have to let your daughter try.