please tell me I am not the only one

You need support with dealing with this.
I am sure there are others like you who can offer advice.

Happy New Year Canary, and you are not being at all selfish. You are venting, quite rightly about your situation and how it affects you. Your husband is clearly not the man he used to be, and many of us have to come to terms with accepting this for ourselves. maybe you need to do less for him, and tell him you cannot cope doing everything, so he must accept help. Tell him it is that or a care home, much as you probably would not want that. You must think of yourself, and your ongoing health problems, because if you have to be hospitalised, god forbid, he would have to accept help from other sources.
Don't feel so bad because of your feelings, you are under tremendous strain, and something has to give. Good luck, let us know if you resolve it in any way.

I’m sorry I can’t offer advice or help, only a virtual hug and compassion for your very sad situation. Is there any hope of you ignoring his objections and getting help anyway. It certainly sounds as though you need it.

Have you any family? You need a break. I don’t know how these things work, but can you organise respite care for him while you at least take some time to look after your own needs?

I hope someone with experience of a similar situation will see your post and offer constructive advice 💐

I don't know where you are, Canary, but if you can I think you should get in touch with social services and say that you need help looking after your husband and getting some respite for yourself. Good luck. te worst they can do is say no.

I couldn’t just read and run so I want to send you virtual hugs and . Do you have confidence in your GP? It’s all I can think of apart from family.

How long have you had to cope with this for, Canarygirl?

My heart goes out to you.💐

I really feel for you, you are in a terrible situation. You say your husband won’t allow you to get help, but why are you allowing him to dictate to you. He is not coming from a kind place, not his fault, but no reason why you should put this irrational dictate above your own needs. Get in contact with social services and let them help you. You deserve respect.

The Alzheimer's Society has a tremendous website and free to join forum. On there you can find others who are, or have been, in your situation. I lost my mother to vascular dementia and the forum was an invaluable resource.

I echoing the people who have suggested Adult Social Care. There will be an emergency number for you to ring now.

Can I suggest you also contact AgeUk and Admiral Nurses. He perhaps needs some medication to help with his behaviour so also call his GP.

You are not being selfish at all - you can't care for him properly if you are not on top form so you can't go on like this.

He is suffering with a defective brain. You shouldn’t be taking this personally and you really do need to share and get support. How about contacting your doctors surgery and asking for all available. I’m not wanting to sound harsh I’m truly trying to sound practical, your situation will not improve so please ask for all available contacts for future reference.

I agree with all the above OP. You need help. You need respite from this. You need to speak to Alzheimers UK or Admiral nurses now and get advice.
You need to speak to your family if you have family.
You need to ignore what he says. He is ill. Unless he has always been like this to you.
Your life is very important, don't waste it. You need to value and care for yourself. You have been doing a hard job and you now need help with it. If it all grinds you down and you are ill again yourself he will need external care or be in a home.

Here's a hug. You need lots of those. Good luck. Be strong.

*canarygirl. You both need help. Your needs are as important as his. Your illness may be physical , but it needs as much attention and care as does your DH's

Contact Age UK as well as Social Services and the Alzheimers Society. They help with all kinds of dementia.

Do you have children? Do they know the situation? Can they help you, if not practicaly but by helping you get help and support?

You are in a horrible situation. You need help.

You definitely need support and you are dntitled to this . Contact all the organisations above until.you get the help.you need. Do not let him bully you like this anymore . You need to think of your own safety .

You are far from selfish!! No constructive advice but please ask for the help others have suggested. Not sure how to send a virtual hug but sending one your way. X

Absolutely you are not selfish - just in a terrible situation. I can't really offer much advice other than (as previously suggested) get in touch with Social Services to see what help they can offer you. And sending a virtual [hug] ❤️ 💐

My sympathies and I hope you can find some support and relief.

My FiL had vascular dementia and the confusion made him very nasty at times. At his best before his dementia he was very single-minded and convinced that he knew best about everything. Once the dementia set in I think the feeling that he was no longer in control and the confusion caused by his lack of memory of every day events made him a very angry man with a vicious tongue. It's easy to say 'don't take it personally' or 'just ignore it because it's the dementia talking' but it wears you down day after day.

If he won't accept help for himself are you able to get help for yourself? For instance - with housework, cooking, laundry. Is his memory good enough that he would recognize someone regularly visiting? Does he still manage the finances? Would he know if you were sending your laundry out to be done?

When I was looking after my dad, his social worker put me in touch with the local carers support group. I hope this helps, you can't cope with this on your own.

I feel for you Canarygirl.

All of the above - and ask for a carer's assessment for yourself. This will quite probably help to kickstart lots of support systems and suggestions that will help you.

One of the most important things about caring is that the carer doesn't "burn out" and can no longer care. You MUST take care of yourself, it's vital for your phsyical and mental wellbeing.

Please take a deep breath and start contacting these various agencies and Social Services, you deserve support.

Let us know how you get on.

I have found that these organisations that say they can offer help are pretty useless. All I have ever got in the last year is a Lanyard that says “I am a Carer.” What use is that? Even to get that I had to answer loads of questions and fill in a questionnaire.

It’s good to get it off your chest though Canary Girl.

The last thing you are is selfish canarygirl. You’re unwell and exhausted. Please take the sensible advice offered by othered here. You need and deserve help and support.

Oh my goodness, you’re not selfish in the least.

My cousin ended up having to place her dear much loved husband into residential care just last year, his dementia was also caused by a brain bleed. He was 72, she felt selfish and guilty and is only now just coming to terms with it and continuing with her life too, she’s only 67, she visits often, takes him out if he’s having a good day, spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day with him, she desperately wanted to care for him in their home but sadly it all became too much when he started shoving her and weeing anywhere but the loo.

Please, please don’t feel selfish and guilty and get some help asap. He’s sadly not in any position to be making decisions for himself, let alone you!

Do what you need and want to do for both of you, accept and ask for all the help you possibly can and explore residential respite.

You also have a right to live the rest of your life in peace and happiness.

Good luck

Canary Which part of the country are you?

Having read through your post again I genuinely think YOU need help NOW!

Please get in touch asap with Adult Sicial Care and don’t let it go! My dear MIL has vascular dementia and is still curving well at 91 in residential care. Please put yourself first, my husband had a heart attack through full time caring for his Mum, thankfully she never lived with us, but it left me both caring for him and her and having many many phone calls, meetings and rows with Adult Social Services, don’t let this go on! Do someone now for your own sake.

Thinking of you

There is lots of help out there and I suggest you contact AgeUk in particular.

And are you both claiming Attendance Allowance?

Sorry about typos! Hope the post above makes sense and how I wish we had an edit button!!