My adult children do not get along

Don't blame yourself. I know how you feel.
I have 4 DC.
#3 and #4 are very close but #4 dislikes #1.
#2 lives the other side of the world.
I am close to my siblings and value this relationship very much.
I love to think my DC will keep supporting eachother after I have gone.
I'm a widow and feel inadequate compared to their father who wouldn't have put up with any nonsense!

Siblings don't always get along, sadly

Different personalities, hobbies, political views....
You can pick your friends but not family

This is not a punishment at all

Thank you. I can’t talk to anyone about this so, just any response feels helpful. I’m in my late 50’s and hope they’ll reconcile at some point before I leave this world. Hard to be caught in the middle but my goal is to make sure both of them know, they must communicate between themselves and not put me in the middle. I feel as if my heart is being torn in two.

I recently made my will and sorted POA. This involved the lawyer sending them all copies
I think it was a salutary lesson, a reminder of our mortality well mine anyway and made them think beyond the petty rivalries.
Are your DC jealous of eachother? NorwayPine?

Great question. Yes, there are jealousies but no one wants to talk about it. Each kid needed something different growing up and I tried to address each one where they were. One needed more “help” than the other and I’m pretty sure he resents his sister for it.

I don't think you should talk about jealousy!
I was just thinking it might explain things for you.
Keep reminding them how important they are to you. What else can you do.
You can't make them love eachother if they don't.
There were times growing up that I wasn't so close to my siblings. We rediscovered eachother when we started having our own DC
The cousins are close. It's an age thing too and their shared experience.

Some kids are so different. There is no guarantee our children will get on just because they are siblings. You may find they get on better as they get older. I hardly saw my siblings when I was in my young adult days but now we're really close. OTOH, my husband doesn't have contact with his.

Our three don't talk to each other either. The divorces made things very difficult but not much I can do about it. One child doesn't speak to us either.

Mandrake

Some kids are so different. There is no guarantee our children will get on just because they are siblings. You may find they get on better as they get older. I hardly saw my siblings when I was in my young adult days but now we're really close. OTOH, my husband doesn't have contact with his.

I’m with Mandrake on this. My sister and I only really became close later on. Our lives were just too different for any close connection when we were younger.

Both my sons are close to me but not each other and I believe once I'm gone they wont bother speaking to each other ever again. I'm not happy about it but accept there is nothing I can do to change it.

I am blessed with 2 AC, they get along famously but do have their differences which they discuss like adults and then agree to disagree. They are both fiercely protective of each other too.
None of us live in one another's pockets and always respect personal space and never get involved in any minor spats they have with their partners. But we are 'there for one another'.
However, I have observed that if they weren't related they probably wouldn't choose each other as friends, totally different characters and personalities. Which brings me to the old adage "you can pick your friends but not your family".
Best to not get involved with disagreements amongst the AC in my opinion.
Growing up, I didn't like my siblings much. I was several years younger and always in the way. They resented having to look after me during school holidays etc. preferring to me out and about with friends of their own age and not wanting a kid tagging along. However, we are all very close now and we know that we only have to ask for help and it is there.
Give your sons time, they might become closer as they mature.

My 2 sons don't get along mainly because the wives dont get along and each quite rightly took the side of their own wife but we are in the middle. Not nice cannot have family meals unless separate cannot talk about the other as to what they are up to etc. |\the same with their kids 2 of which are adults

My 2 adult sons are quite different, always were, and are both baffled and amused by each others foibles.

Son 1 is always a bit jealous of son 2, but he would have been of any other child no matter who it was.

He has no reason to be as I treat them equally and love them both enormously. Son 2 isn't jealous, he is bemused by the fact that son 1 is.

They are different in personality and don't see each other often, but I do feel there is respect for each other there and that would be there for each other in any crisis/when needed.

My siblings are a younger half sis and half bro [large age gaps between us]. Since our mother died they have drifted off despite my attempts to stay in touch...but we didn't ever bond. They always made me feel left out ['He's not your dad' often thrown at me]. No huge loss. I knew more their father than they know so it's best I keep away and keep it to myself.

I don't think it's a given at all that siblings will connect and/or stay in touch as adults as they will usually have such hugely different lives and circumstances, different demands on them, varied locations and individual views on life etc.

I agree with Mandrake adults will not necessarily get along together just because they are siblings. Not your fault at all NorwayPine adults have to take responsibility for themselves. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Thank you all again. Great advice. Acceptance seems like the key takeaway here. I will try to step back and just let things play out as they will. I will work on not blaming myself.

jane1956

My 2 sons don't get along mainly because the wives dont get along and each quite rightly took the side of their own wife but we are in the middle. Not nice cannot have family meals unless separate cannot talk about the other as to what they are up to etc. |\the same with their kids 2 of which are adults

oh yes, been there, done that. One sil was determined to ensure that DD2 became estranged from her family. Controlling- abroad, and in the end, violent. Thank goodness she got away and now has great partner and all of them get get on so well, even though very different.

My 4 have got more tolerant to each other as they reach the 40 stage of life. The youngest at 32 still has disagreements with the eldest but I try and keep the peace when needed.