To be or not to be a grandmother.

Same happens at ages when marriage and kids are expected

I just change subject with those people, they are just nosy

Yes, I was quite taken aback when I bumped into someone I used to work with and the first thing she said was “Got grandchildren?”.

What a weird way to start a conversation.

Or not. Perhaps someone will enlighten us🙂

I think those 'school friends' are both ridiculous.

We have children, GC, GGC - but we're not defined by them or our marital status. I'd be terribly annoyed at anyone who asked such a question.

I think they're very rude and it's not their place to ask, let alone criticise.

Maybe they don't have much else going on in their own lives?
I hope you weren't too hurt by their comments xx

I’ve been married 33 years and have three grown up children but no grandchildren yet or any likelihood of any for quite some time. If it happens, it will be great; if not then no problems either. I can see that if I ever become a grandmother, I will be far nearer seventy than sixty.

We’re all different. I think some people don’t think before they speak, unfortunately, but rather assume that everyone else is, or should be, just like them. There are posters here who have C and GC, others who have only C and others who have neither. Your school friends are being somewhat insensitive, I think. I hope you aren’t letting their comments upset you 💐.

I think people ask just for conversation, like asking 'how are you', especially if you know them but haven't seen them for a long time.

We find it awkward sometimes because we're estranged from our youngest son, and as a result our only GC. I hope it didn't upset you Ravenscroft, as I'm sure that wouldn't have been the intention.

Thankfully I’m not defined by whether I have children or grandchildren, nor do I judge others by that criterion. Some people are more engaged with this kind of thing.

Some people seem really desperate to hear that you've followed a similar, expected, path or pattern. I want them to ask about me, what I've done/am doing - not my family, thanks all the same. I'm an individual, with my own interests and activities, not some member of a cult called family!

Two former friends seemed to lose their whole identities, completely, when they had children. (Like the octopus, they faded away to nourish the next generation.) I loved my kids - but was not 'in love' with them, didn't sacrifice everything to be their constant helper, supervisor, provider - or worshipper!

Thanks, everyone. They did not upset me but I was irritated. As mentioned above it is part of the Boyfriend? Engaged? Married? House? Baby? Grandchildren? conversation. I just ask people how they are keeping which allows them to say or not say what they wish. Hey! Ho!

It’s not upsetting just a bit odd, I think.

Or I guess it’s at the top of their list of “interesting things to talk about”.
Like some people launch into their health problems straight away😬

While it was certainly an odd way to start a conversation when you hadn't seen each other for a long time, perhaps she was just trying to find something in common to talk about. It could be that her life is centered around her extended family and she assumes everyone else's is as well.

If I bumped into someone I hadn't seen in a while, I would have first asked about them, then their family. They could then talk about either their spouse, children or GC. Certainly a more open question.

Some people just have odd ways, and don't realize they might be intrusive, or dismissive of how you are doing!

Hetty58

Two former friends seemed to lose their whole identities, completely, when they had children. (Like the octopus, they faded away to nourish the next generation.) I loved my kids - but was not 'in love' with them, didn't sacrifice everything to be their constant helper, supervisor, provider - or worshipper!

I think most people are like that with their children .....but I'm 58 now and have 3 GD and they make my heart melt ....OPs friend probably is the same.....some people just go about things differently....I wouldn't have said that....but then I'm not of an age where everyone is a granny yet....about half my friends are....and half not

Can I just say, a lot of you are assuming that those of us without grandchildren are feeling a bit sad and that mention of grandchildren is going to be hurtful.

It’s that implied aura that somehow our lives are less than yours that’s actually the irritating, hurtful thing.

It makes me think of As Time Goes By when the sister in law kept referring to Judy Dench as “Poor Jean” which wasn’t how she saw herself at all 😬

Oh Lathyrus that wasn't my intention at all. I have good friends without grandchildren and good friends with.
We talk about everything under the sun and it's nice to talk as "us" rather than being defined by a role.
Occasionally health concerns creep in though... 🤦

Oh yes, of course we all talk about families, health, whatever in the course of a conversation.

I just found starting off with grandchildren as odd as starting with ‘Have you got heart trouble?” or maybe ‘Still married?” 🤭

They’re not really conversation openers😂

I do not know the kind of people who make silly remarks like that. That is a statement, not a judgement on other people.

That's a very good point Lathyrus @ 18.13.

Really odd way to start a conversation, I'd say. Lathyrus, an old friend of mine responds to queries about his spouse of 40+ years with the starting point " well, she's still my wife..."

It's strange how people become almost obsessed with their grandchildren and their lives. I've seen it with friends and on GN. It's a very odd way to start a conversation though.

I find it disconcerting how if you say that your grandchildren are not the be all and end all of your life, you are immediately seen as cold, selfish and uncaring.

Sorry that upset you LR.
She could have gone for a more general
conversation starter-
How are you?
Where are you living now?
How’s your family?
Have you been anywhere nice on holiday?
An unmarried friend gets asked all sorts of impossible questions.
Maybe your school friend had just been with her grandchildren so they were top of her mind.

I have been asked frequently “any grandchildren yet” for 15 years since our first child married. The answer was “No” then and is still “No”.
It is not my prerogative to decide if I get GC but I don’t feel I am to be pitied. That would feel insulting.
I can’t miss what I haven’t had.