Not knowing when to give up.

In the nicest possible way , it has nothing to do with you. The cats owner probably loves it and maybe doesn’t want to go to some events and uses the cat as an excuse.

The choir singer must enjoy it or wouldn’t attend.

I would inform the driver or their family if they were not safe to continue but cannot think of any other situation that I would interfere with.

What are people not telling you?, maybe its mind your own business.

Apart from the driving, which may be dangerous, you say nothing. Definitely not your business to tell friends to stop doing something they enjoy, for whatever reason.

I wish someone would tell me to give up my job

Hello
I think that you are muddying the main issue of yourself with your friends’ issues.
Your title is ‘when to give up?’ and then you echo this question at the end of your post.
What exactly is it that is worrying you about yourself?
What is that you think that you might have to ‘give up’?

Don’t say anything to the cat owner. She knows, she’ll come to her decision when she is ready.
Re your choir friend. I don’t even know how you would tackle this!
Leave it to the leader of the choir, it’s their role to deal with it.

JaneJudge

I wish someone would tell me to give up my job

Here I am!

When to give up comes up for your own actions and for items you can do something about, not others

Maybe when the question comes up in your brain, it is an indication time to stop is here already? (For your own actions only, of course)

I would only say anything if the person in question was in danger or in danger of hurting someone else. Anything else is the responsibility of the person taking the action or those in charge.
If you feel that you need to know if what you are doing is a problem, ask the question. Otherwise put it out of your head. 9iokk

Blame the naughty dog for the last sentence!!!

I think the OP can see situations with others that she thinks they can’t see, but others can, and it makes her wonder if the same might apply to her and she can’t see it?

As regards the cat, probably a waste of money but if the owner can afford it and wants to do it, her decision.

As for the choir, yes, it’s up to the choir master to gently suggest to the out of tune lady that it might be time to retire, if it is an issue. If the lady herself asks the OP’s opinion on her singing however….

The driving I can understand as it could cause a life, but the rest, not really. I've a dog I spend my money on because of her illness, she's my dog and it's my money to do so, I think you would probably be better not saying anything to your friend. The other lady probably enjoys the choir, the companionship, so why take it away from her and is it not the choir master who decides anyway?
I've found it's better not to say anything and let people decide what's best for themselves.

Thanks for the replies.
The thought came to me actually because of an issue with a family member which I don't want to go into, but the comments are useful.
Driving- Fortunately my father eventually decided for himself that he was not safe to drive, after a few scrapes.
My choir friend seems to have no idea of her problem. The choir is big enough to hide a few mistakes but I doubt the choir director will say anything, as he might lose too many if he goes down that route.
My friend can afford the vet’s bill, but her husband is not too pleased! None of my business. I just listened and said nothing.

At the moment I think I am sufficiently aware to make my own decisions. I dropped one commitment this year. Circumstances usually work things out for me.
I wouldn’t dream of offending anyone, and I thought I made that clear in my OP.

I love painting. I'm not very good at it, but I like painting and meeting up with others. When I don't enjoy it any longer that's the time to stop.
I've a friend who isn't very good either but if she asks me what I think of a particular painting I tell her it's lovely. I wouldn't dream of doing otherwise. If she asks how she can improve it I give her little tips but I would never tell anyone to give up anything that makes them happy. Why would you?

Unless of course it's something like driving which would put others in danger if I didn't stop.

I think you are wise to say nothing (driving issues aside if they ever arose). The consequences of saying what you are thinking might not be what you would like, and the resulting hurt felt probably not worth saying anything either. I know you don’t intend saying anything, but I do understand your point, and of course it’s your opinion. I see and hear things where I think to myself that I wouldn’t do that, or continue with something, but that’s as far as it goes - thoughts to myself, my opinion, but not uttered out loud. I suppose if I was asked for my opinion, I might say something, but try to phrase it in a way that wouldn’t cause upset.

The issue with choral singing, depending on the type pf music, is that a voice which is “ off” can spoil the performance, eg unable to reach the top notes, and instead of just miming that bit, they sing flat or nowhere near the note. It is different from something you do for your own pleasure, like painting.

I just wait till people run out of steam and then they will realise themselves that it is time for change. Then be ready to put the kettle on, make a cuppa and hear their story.

I get your point Cabbie but she obviously enjoys singing. I wouldn't be the one to to spoil that.

Yes, nadateturbe, and it would be a double whammy, it coming from one’s friend.
I can imagine being distraught in similar circumstances

Let people do the things that bring them joy and be happy for them.

Whether that is singing out of tune at the top of their voice or loving a bundle of fur that they think loves them back rather than seeing them as a food source and an occasional warm pillow.

I jest, I have too many cats and they are all the boss of me.

When it comes to public safety yes, your hand may be forced but you don't have to be the one to tell them, I think you can simply report it

Public safety, and if you believe the person will do themselves or others harm.

If its a choir or similar, it's up to the choir leader. they won't have missed it. All about context, whether its in terms of public performances or a choir for enjoyment of its members.

Much more difficult with family members who you realise are making their own lives difficult, or their family's lives.
there is a time for intervention, and a time for letting them struggle even if you see there is much that could make their lives better. Offer information/suggestions but accept they may not be taken up.

I had a very close elderly friend wh expressed suicidal feelings to me several times. I did contact her GP, who happens to be my GP, as I felt this was verging on the possibly of self harm and I was not prepared to listen and not act. She was prescribed medication then didn't take it. Eventually the GP said to me - after trying, you have to let it go.
(BTW, she is OK now - the right combination of family support and drugs came through in the end)

Apart from safety, the other issues aren't mine to discuss. I'm quite sure nobody wants any opinions when they haven't asked.

Other than GN, I give opinions freely to total strangers.

I told myself to give up driving. I would like to tell my man friend to stop blowing his nose and sniffing so loudly!

I think it's best to be tactful, perhaps your friends will eventually realise themselves that it's time to give up without you hurting their feelings.

There's a theory called 'sunk costs' when you've spent so much (either time, effort or money) on something that you feel that you shouldn't give up, but I think that most of us reach a point when we can see that it's throwing good money, etc after bad.

I would specifically ask family and friends for honest info about myself if I was thinking a bit like you.

The friends thing is difficult.
The cat isn't worth discussion to be honest but maybe look about for less demanding choirs and give them a go yourself.

I am no singer (by any means) but I do notice my voice is not so good now - it's lost strength and some inflection is less "pleasing" and though I do vocal exercises there are times when I'm saddened by the "old person" timbre. 🙁

FannyCornforth

Hello
I think that you are muddying the main issue of yourself with your friends’ issues.
Your title is ‘when to give up?’ and then you echo this question at the end of your post.
What exactly is it that is worrying you about yourself?
What is that you think that you might have to ‘give up’?

Don’t say anything to the cat owner. She knows, she’ll come to her decision when she is ready.
Re your choir friend. I don’t even know how you would tackle this!
Leave it to the leader of the choir, it’s their role to deal with it.

👏🏻👏🏻