Family - Mothers and Daughters

Let it go, that’s my only advice to you. there’s is no positives in reliving bad times all you can do is change your future not your past

Move on - life is not a rehearsal, it’s the here and now !!

Have you ever considered counselling?
Its at least a safe way to get out all those emotions, and to tell someone how bad it was for you.

Why mention it at all, get over it and move on.
Your mother had tantrums to control you and you let her get away with it, You didn't have to. Just like you don't have to listen to the voices in your head, so stop.

schnackie my mother was just the same and she is there in my head raging and sulking away- I quite often tell her to ***off- wish I had had the nerve to do it in life. My daughters are lovely and I know they appreciate me and my non interfering stance.

Try and forgive your mum for her hurtful and unnecessary comments. What was her Mum like? What made her like this? We are all a mixture of good and bad points. If necessary write down on small pieces of paper the hurts she caused you. Then make a fire and burn them and use this symbolic act to try and let go of these bits of your mum you didn't like. If thoughts continue to occur try and say to a photo of your mum I forgive you. I hope things improve . Enjoy your own good relationship with your daughter.

Your mother is still controlling you. You can stop her. As mumofbadboys says, she may have had her own demons, so try not to judge her too badly. Enjoy your time with your daughter, and don’t let past hurts spoil them. Q

Well, you seem very well in control of your less-than-perfect-mum thoughts. I think you are doing very well. Just keep it up!

Thank you all for your comforting and very practical advice! Yes, she did have problems in her life but no worse than most people her age. I may seek counselling. I don't think it would be a big deal if I saw my daughter on a regular basis. It's just the infrequent visits bring it all out. Thanks again. As always, it's very helpful just to unload on Gransnet.

You might find the book "Toxic Parents" helpful. I also agree with seeking counselling.

We now know that toxic stress, especially prior to the age of 3, can have lasting damage on children. It doesn't even need to be physical abuse - emotional abuse, a toxic social environment, and neglect can cause just as many problems.

My Mum was a huge challenge to us all - but as an adult I can see why she was as she was. That does not mean I do not think she made some bad decisions that made life hard for us. I am sure now that she had PMT in a big way and that this explains a lot of her Jekyll and Hyde behaviour (so very hard for children to deal with). And she was a highly intelligent woman who was not encouraged to get educated and she resented that - sadly she took this out on Dad, as she resented the advantages that men had and seemed to belittle all men.

But - like your mother - she was a very good grandma, so no grumbles there. My DDs do know that life was not always easy for us when we were younger because of Mum's bitterness, but it something that I do not mention as they are entitled to their happy memories of her.

TBH I do not think that it is healthy that you are re-running her behaviours in your mind, instead of getting on with being and good Mum and Grandma, as I am sure you are. It may be that some counselling might help you to get her off your shoulder and allow you to fully enjoy your life.

It is very hard to forgive things that started when you were a child, because they happened during vulnerable and formative years - but you are an adult now and it is time to let all this go.

My mother is a dreadful parent and grandparent, she is a narcissist.
My therapy was a book by Danu Morrigan “You’re not crazy it’s your mother”
Worth a read.

Thanks again for the supportive comments and Missfoodlove, I have just ordered the book!!