Humour Forum

You're not related to Tim Vine are you, Rufus?

"I've thrown out my old vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust."

My friend is addicted to drinking brake fluid. But he insists he can stop at any time.

Merlotgran; Unfortunately not! Otherwise I'd be picking his brains every day! Never heard of him so thanks for letting me know. A very brief look via Dr.Google shows promise.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app. they will start using it.

I'd like to tell you some chimney pot jokes Rufus
I have stacks of them.
The first one is on the house.

I can't claim any of these as my own but.....

I refused to believe my roadworker father was stealing from his employer but when I got home all the signs were there.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought "this changes everything"

I haven't slept for three days because that would be too long.

I had a survey done on my house and 8 out of 10 people said they liked it.

In useless at remembering one-liners, but this made me laugh.
m.youtube.com/watch?v=qFgIwhFAPNw

I love Tim Vine!

In useless at remembering one-liners
Thanks for that MiniMoon; I'm always impressed how good stand-up comedians can remember so well without teleprompters, unless the video is spliced too well to detect.

When my wife found out I'd replaced our bed with a trampoline, she hit the roof.

I tried to drown my sorrows; but the beggars have learnt to swim

Perfect day here in Melbourne. Horizon-to-horizon sunshine, 23C and no wind! Ideal for navel-gazing whilst relaxed in the back garden; beats jumping out of a plane at 10,000ft with a bucket-list in hand.

Wonderful! They've forecast rain tomorrow.

Internet dating. The odds can be good; the goods can be odd!

and from chestnut corner

She was only a sergeant's daughter but she knew what regiment.

Sorry best I could do this early.

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