Issues with family

Oh dear another mother who is still functioning as a stroppy little girl. Sadly there’s too many of these about dawn. Both Gransnet and Mumsnet are riddled with stories like this.

Personally I’d never take this crap from any of my children and luckily I’m strong enough to tell them so. My advice, should you care to take it, is get on with your own life and give your time and love to those who appreciate you.

Let your daughter stew.

I agree absolutely with oldmeg , wait for her to come to you, don’t run after her.

It’s about time some of these children grew up and realised that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that parents have their own lives too and don’t always feel up to dropping everything when they are suddenly needed.

Thanks, that's good advice. I was feeling very sad, and a bit better now.

I think it's unwise to refer to someone as "a stroppy little girl" without knowing the dynamics of the family situation.

dawn On the face of it, your daughter is being selfish and difficult but she obviously feels upset herself - whether it is justified or not, only you can consider the issue and judge for yourself. As you say your mum tends to take your daughter's side, is it possible that she perceives things differently from you?

I hope things soon settle down between you and your daughter. Most families have these ups and downs now and again.

I don't think being upset justifies behaving in this way.
Its normal to feel upset, or hurt, or whatever at times: that's life.

Children see things differently, and even when parents do all they can to help a child through and to understand times in their childhood that were difficult, it is difficult to eradicate from the adult the feelings of rejection and abandonment the adult felt as a child, however incorrectly.

I think this is what happened here. Yes, the daughter behaved childishly, perhaps it subconsciously triggered memories of her father being ill and tired when he had the illness leading to his death, and his leaving her.

Having said that I do think that the advice given to leave her to herself for the time being is wise. Later on make an appointment with her for the two of you to sit down quietly and discuss the issue. Make the rule for this discussions that there are to be no accusations, just phrases like it looks to me as if... or I feel that and try to get to the route of the problem. She may always remain prickly but both of you will understand why.

Thanks for the further messages. My Mum has always adored DD and makes allowances for her behaviour because of the awful times we had in the past. My mum blames me for DD's issues, but I know that I did my best with everything. Mum didn't live near us when my first husband was ill and died. Her view of DD's life is as DD tells her, and I'm at fault no matter what. Mum moved to live near us when I had a bit of a breakdown mentally, about 10 years ago. I will wait and see if DD contacts me after her holiday.

Time for your daughter to let the past go I think, she has her own family now, a whole new life. Have you talked with her about how she feels, maybe time for a frank and open discussion as they say and then move on.

If you had awful times in the past, as a young person they would probably have affected your daughter even more than you. Is your mum really blaming you for your daughter's behaviour or is she just trying to understand why she is sometimes unreasonable and resentful?

It is not always easy to act like a grown up and let go of the past. Perhaps, as others have said, a calm and frank discussion when things have settled down a bit might help to resolve some of the simmering resentment that your daughter appears to feel.

I would have though that becoming a Mother herself would have made your daughter more sympathetic and understanding of the awful time you had when she was small. Losing your Father and being widowed so young must have been traumatic, and you should not be feeling guilty about either of the deaths or of the fact that you had to work full time, many Mothers do this. Your daughter needs to get a grip and you need to stop beating yourself up for events which were out of your control and which you dealt with to the vert best of your ability. It also sounds as if your Mother needs to start backing you up. Good luck ..

Naturally, I don't know all the "ins" and "outs" but, on the face of it, I don't think you've done anything wrong. If you weren't feeling well, you were right to say so. What if you'd had the beginnings of something infectious? DD wouldn't have liked your GS to be affected by this.

Different perhaps if your daughter was in the middle of some kind of crisis and urgently required your help but this doesn't seem to be the case.

Let her stew in her own juice for a while. If she doesn't make contact for a while, you could perhaps try ringing her with a casual tone and see what happens.

If she needs you to babysit, she will not be able to avoid speaking to you.

I hope everything goes well for everyone involved.

Just want to play devils advocate here.

I don't disagree with what others have said but ... I want to put an alternative scenario forward.

Knowing how difficult the relationship with your is with DD. AND knowing how acutely she feels anything approaching 'Rejection/Abandonment" you might have prevented so much pain all round.

I don't know how "ropey" you were feeling (only you know that) but it's not a big leap to see how your DD offer to bring DGS to help lift you was so quickly rejected. All perception going on here, remember, it's perceptions.

At that point in the transaction you had a "CHOICE" yep choice.

Short term pain for the long term gain.

Short term - accepting DD's offer to bring DGS, valuing her attempt to help you - and you get to see DGS.

Long term gain - you could have then told DD how much you valued her noticing how "ropey" you were feeling and how thoughtful of her to think of something nice that MIGHT, just might help lift you.

You had a chance to create a win/win situation for putting yourself out a bit.

If your DD could 'Just get over IT" she would have done it by now. So many hurt and hurting people in this situation. Get some therapy. Please, Please, Please get some help.

If you have had some help and you clearly still have lots of hurts going on try a different model, not all models of therapy work for everyone.

dawn8454 while I'm not condoning your DD actions, I agree she needs to "Grow Up" but having a Parent to help her "grow up" could possibly be good for you all.

Would you be open to looking at how it might "feel" to her when you are 'feeling ropey"?

How would you feel if DD said she "feels as if" your "feelings"

"feeling ropey"

"feeling depressed" are more important to You than Her Existence.

Yep that's what I wrote.

What would you Say? What would you Do? if DD said she "feels as if" your feelings, your hurt, is more important to you that even her Very Existence?

Because may be, just may be something like that might be at the bottom of her relating model.

Your difficult to deal with feelings, those feelings that have been around so long now that you don't know how to cope with them any other way than the way your are coping with them.

Those feeling that are debilitating and can take you off your feet because you haven't found, a different a way of coping with them other than being flattened by them. Yep those feelings.

If she said she "feels as if" those feeling and the way you cope with them make her feel invisible. If she said she "feels as if "she Does Not Exist when you are having "Those Feelings". Would you want to find a way to heal both of you as much as you can? I bet you would want you both (all) to find some healing.

I read and understood that you had trauma upon trauma and what you described was like a juggernaut plowing through your soul. So being flattened by what you went through is most understandable.

Are you still being flattened by that trauma?

I'm guessing it can catch you and take you down. So it's just as understandable that your DD gets taken down - back - to the trauma that took you away from her.

What if she get taken to a time when she was abandoned by you.

When we are very ill in any form we Do abandon our children, not by choice, but they are abandoned.

If we can acknowledge that they were abandoned, and they can acknowledge it was not by a choice we made. We - Adult Child and Adult Parent may stand a chance of starting some healing for all.

I am so very sad for you and all involved. I do so wish you all the best possible outcome and a very happy resolution to this very sad, traumatic situation.

Eloethan's post is very sensible I think. Your daughter has had some very difficult events in her life and has reason for her family relationships to feel fragile. The events you describe will have been traumatic (in the clinical sense) for your daughter and so it is not surprising that she is demonstrating the effects of her early childhood experiences. That is not to say that you didn't do your best dawn8454, but it does explain why your daughter perhaps needs extra reassurance, even as an adult. Sometimes one of my children is obviously 'needier' than others and when that occurs I try to ensure that I give extra time and attention to that one. It isn't fair, but I think it's just. Maybe send her some flowers and take time to spoil your daughter so that she has some tangible evidence of your love.

Thanks all for your messages. I did not imagine that DD would feel slighted when I said that I couldn't see GS, had banging headache not conducive to happy play time. Her offer to bring him round wasn't made in an effort to lift my spirits. She had decided that she wanted to do that. With hindsight it would have been better to have the visit, saved much upset. I have always hidden my depression from her, she has no idea that I take meds etc. We have had similar episodes in the past and found a sort of resolution until the next time.

Now she's an adult perhaps it would be a good idea if you had a frank, open chat with one another you could end by telling her how much you love her, hiding all this stuff never works out in the end

Ah, I did just wonder if her offer was an attempt to lift your spirits and if you weren't feeling well it could get missed. Apparently not, and you have obviously thought about that. So well done for being willing to look at that, never easy.

As luluagust suggests now she is and Adult Child and is a Parent herself it may well be worth having a frank discussion.

As for hiding your depression? Hmmm. I have no doubt you work really hard to hide your depression but it's almost impossible to hide the effects from someone who knows you.

I'm sure you DH will know your "Tell". How you are when you are having an especially hard time and I bet your DD knows your 'Tell' too. I really respect you for the work you do and have put in to keep the effects as disguised as much as you have.

Hiding the fact that you need meds was OKish when your DD & DS were small but time to tell them just how hard things are and have been for you.

The big Q is do you want to find a way to keep yourself and your wellbeing safe when you DD behaves this way and your Mum sides with her.

Or do you want to keep things the same so you get hurt and treated badly again and again the way you have been in the past?

Please think about getting help for you and encourage your DD to get help too. You have all being through some very traumatic events.

You and DD are still struggling to deal with things and clearly you are getting hurt and I'm guessing your DD is hurting too.

Wishing you the very best possible outcome

Thanks, good points made. Last night DD sent a positive comment to a response I made to some photos of their holiday that she has put up. So that's progress of a sort. I will try and make changes to prevent future upset like this.