Is he being selfish?

It sounds as if he really needs a break. He can keep an eye on her from afar, maybe she can visit him, or he can visit her.

My goodness - no, of course he isn't being selfish! How much more of his life is he expected to give? He's been a loving and caring person to them all - surely he deserves something for himself?

How can this person who has always put other people ahead of himself be selfish?? is his life and happiness not important, yes they are. I think THEY are being extremly selfish to not want this poor fellow to finally do something for himself.. my concern is that due to his obvious caring nature he will feel guilty for wanting a little happiness for himself, even though he deserves it!

It isn't selfishness, it is self-care. I think this man is extremely sussed to realise that now is the time to take the time for himself, instead of doing (as it sounds he has been doing till now) - making time for himself. I'd wish him well if he was a member of my family. Sounds like he has earned it.

I like thatgrannyknot isn't selfish but self care, very true!

Good for him! Now he can take some time to look after himself and find out what he likes doing, get to know himself, too. It's not the end of the earth. When my auntie retired and moved to the North Wales coast, we saw more of her because we could visit and stay over. His mother in law is not his responsibility, but he sounds like a person who cares and would help with any arrangements to be in place when he has moved, if she needs them.

Where do his daughter and her boyfriend live? Are they close enough to look after the MiL [ presumably her grandparent] has the MiL no other children or grandchildren?

Good for him!!

Not selfish at all, good luck to him.

Not selfish at all. He sounds like a lovely man. From what you say I'm sure he won't just abandon them but he deserves to have his own life.

The funny thing is, if he had always put himself first people would have had to manage without his help anyway.

You hear this so often. One member of the family ends up looking after the needs of everybody else and it gradually becomes the "natural" order of things. How often do you hear a daughter/son say "I look after mum/dad all the time, but when my [largely absent] sister/brother does anything she/he gets all the appreciation and attention".

I can understand why this has caused upset since an expectation has developed that he will always be on hand. I feel that he deserves now to do what he wants to do but would assume that he would try to ensure, as far as possible, that those who have come to depend on him have some sort of support network when he leaves.

I think the friends should mind their own business, and the parents should remember that we bring our children up to go and lead their own lives.

Of course I totally agree with you Printmiss. I hope he doesn't allow his plan to be sidetracked by the disapproval he faces. I agree with Grannyknot about his move being self-care and think he has every right to choose how to conduct his own life. He should be applauded for waiting so long to fulfill his own desires, whilst putting others before himself.

I agree with the other posters. Also Wales isn't like moving to NZ is it? he can come and go to visit people.We all have a right to a life and he has done his duty for a long time.

I agree with all of the above. You don't get the years back that you've spent caring for others. It's time to think of himself for a change.

Good luck to him.

I am so glad you all agree with my view on this. I have always felt that after giving your love to your children, the other greatest gift is their freedom.

That puts it so well, Printmiss - exactly how I feel about my DSs. Apron strings were cut but we have remained friends.

He sounds like a very loving and caring man who has always put everyone else's needs before his own; his daughter is now old enough to move out with her boyfriend and he should be able to enjoy some freedom and time for himself. I thought you were going to say he was emigrating to the other side of the world, but Wales is not the Antipodes.

I don't know what the age or health of his MIL is but there will be help available if she needs it and the GD can keep an eye on her if she is near. He cannot put his life on hold and I am sure wherever he is he will keep in touch.

I would like to say very good luck to this man.

I have been the "Carer" in this family for 35 years this month. All my elderlies are gone on. Granny had 4 children and 8 grandchildren but I was there alone at the end. I was not an only child but I was the only "child" caring for my parents. I had two children, neither father did anything useful. The young ones are now grown up with their own families.

I would love to move away but dont have the nerve, health or the ability to do what I want rather than what others want. My health got a bit of a battering through all I did.

Good luck to this man and it is time the grandaughter stepped up. If she is old enough to have moved out with a boyfriend she is old enough to let her dad have a life!

Sugarpufffairy

Oh Sugarpuff that's sad. Is there no way you could move? Maybe to some place with some assistance on site. If you cannot actually move could you manage some travelling?

Hi Seasider,
I would love to move and I think I am going to have to force myself some how to arrange it. I had lived rural and coastal before becoming carer to the oldies but move to the city when they needed me. I am still in the city. It is a dreadful place! I have never met such ignorant unco-opertive people in my life. I moved to the family home after all the deaths and any time the neighbours catch me they want to know what I am doing with the house! They query why various people come to my house. Other than questioning me they dont speak! Strange people.

I think I would feel better away from here but I resent having to leave my "home". My parents have owned the house since 1966. My happiness is more important. I cant travel as I have Ceoliacs disease and it is hard enough to get food to eat without doing foreign or language issues. I seem to live a life of hospital appointments and not much else.

I have organised diriving lessons tests and cars for my kids so that cant say they dont have the ability to travel to me. They do not want me to sell or rent out the house but I live in hope of moving from this place.

I will try harder! Thank you for your kind reply

Sugarpufffairy

Sugarpufffairy It really is the time to put your needs first and foremost. I understand your concerns with your health and the upheaval it will cause to move, even packing everything up seems too much to bear when you're having a bad day. I know, I have heart problems and am considering moving too. But what would happen if we stayed where we are to grow old? We would be in a place where we were not happy. Like you say, the neighbours are no help to you, in fact they make you feel worse. The care that you are getting from the hospital can be transferred to wherever you choose to go. Unless you live in close proximity to family/friends who are helping you or making you feel cherished, then personally I would bite the bullet and find a more suitable location where you could make new friends who will care, build up a network around you of support, and could possibly ease your health problems because some of the stress is taken away from your current situation. We are only here once and we need to enjoy every day. I love the house I live in but feel my health would improve with a move. Unfortunately I cannot move the house, so I have to thank it for the good times and try to move on. I will find new friends, and new things to do, it's what makes life exciting again instead of drab and dreary. Please think about yourself. Look around for where you would like to be. Make some enquiries, get excited again, then get all the help you can to pack up. Good luck with it, keep us posted. Keep strong.

Hi Rubylady,
I always knew that I would eventually have to move from this house. It has upstairs and downstairs. My dad had a stairlift but I do not think that they are all that safe if there should be a fire and it is just something else to cause a falls hazzard. I always thought I would buy a bungalow when I was 75 (a long way off)
The problem is that my children do not want me to sell the home that has been in the family for over 45 years. My dad sold his parents' house which they had owned for about 70 years. I had wanted my grandparents' house but my dad was against that idea as the house had structural issues. This house is non standard construction and could be difficult to get a mortgage for a prospective buyer.
I have thought of renting out the house and my old flat to be like a "Pension" for me. I could rent another property and still have money in hand. I have the option of buying another house too and still be able to rent out the house and flat.
I think you may be right to say that it is time to thank the house for the good times and set myself off on a new and exciting road through life. I would not really want to move the house because of the construction stuff. I have had good and bad times here, the worst being that I am the only one left here now. I have to live without my important people, the ones who supported and guided me. I have realised today that my kids only want me when I can be of use to them. I have only seen one today because she wanted to use the computer and printer. I have not seen her for over a month. She has a car and lives 5 miles away. The other wants me to babysit her child while she works even though I am feeling quite rotten just now. She is huffy because I dont want to leave home at 7 a.m and drive through the rush hour traffic. As long as I do what they want all is well. This is not what I want.
Thinking everything over I have to move on. One of my kids wants to rent the house from me. I would be ruthless though and go for eviction if the rent was not paid. Perhaps they do not realise that in business there is no mummy!
It is a lovely idea to thank the house for the safety and comfort I felt as a child and grown up when my parents were here. Now they are gone I have to find comfort else where.
Thank you for your considered response.
Sugarpufffairy

sugarpufffairy don't rent the house to a relative - it is very difficult to be the ruthless landlord to one of your own. Sell it - the mortgage is someone else's problem, not yours.

Get a property agent (better still, two or three) to come and assess it and tell you how much you are likely to get for it, then sit down and find an area where you will get a house you could live happily in for that money.

Research the new area very thoroughly before you make a positive move, for transport, medical care, shops, library, social life and so on. Go there and stay for a night or two in a B&B and have a good look around. That could be your autumn/winter project combined with a few days holiday.

When your ideas have gelled, put your house on the market with the estate agent who seemed most helpful, tell your family you are moving, and look for your dream home.

Then start your new life as your own person.

Well said Elegran, I agree with everything you say.

Money and relatives very rarely mix well. It could even go for a cash sale so no mortgage involved. But you have to think about yourself now. Your children do not live in your home anymore so it's entirely your call. You've done your best by them and now it's your turn.

I agree with Elergran about a new area. Make sure it has "the feel" that you want, comfortable and not like you would feel alien in a new territory. Spend some time visiting, ask around the area how things are at different times of year. Make sure there are places you can go to meet new friends, get to know new people, it's important that you don't end up feeling isolated. And remember that you will still have us lot to rely on as well.

In my move, my son would like to move closer to college but he'll have to walk a bit further because I am looking where there are things for me to do, classes, swimming, shops etc. I am not moving to a new area and then being on my own, I intend to mingle! lol.

With regards to your children only needing you when they want something, then it's time to put your foot down and let them know you are in charge of your own life. If it doesn't just gel with theirs then so be it. Would they move house if they wanted to? Of course. They think at times our children that we are just mum and cannot possibly have wants or needs. We are too soft and accommodate too easily. Think for yourself and you will start to feel better. Take care and let us know how you are getting on.