Compensation for Mum's care

Firstly, I am sorry that your mother has died and hope it was a relief rather than a shock.

I'm not sure I can help though as I don't understand why your sisters want to pay you? Were you expecting to be paid?

Perhaps you could ask your sisters what they feel would be a reasonable amount to give you for caring for your mum the last 2 years?

I’m sure it didn’t cost you much in money terms, i.e. the food she ate and so on, but it was you who had the responsibility of it all.

You say your sisters offered to have her, but it was you who actually bit the bullet and did it.

I should have said, I assume they are giving you some money as they think it would have cost a lot to have Mum in a home.

Why don't you discuss it with your sisters? They may feel that they want to compensate you for your extra efforts.

If your mother was in a care home it would have been quite costly, but of course you did it for love and duty, not compensation. However you did save the estate quite a bit, and so your sisters may feel they would like to help cover costs.

It’s nice to be asked if you want to claim any expenses, as you have said it was short term and relatively little intrusion. I feel that a small token amount per month is fair, or just say that you were happy to care for her and leave it at that.

Don’t try to relate it to care home fees, that would probably cause trouble.

NotSpaghetti

Firstly, I am sorry that your mother has died and hope it was a relief rather than a shock.

I'm not sure I can help though as I don't understand why your sisters want to pay you? Were you expecting to be paid?

Thank you for your kind words. Is it awful to admit that it was a relief?

The question of "pay" arose when it became clear that Mum could no longer live alone- she was widowed some years ago. My sisters- one said she'd have to give up her p/t job, so would want to be compensated for her loss of earnings- about £10k a year, from memory. The other sister wasn't working at the time, she's a bit hard to talk to these days- long story!
Thank you for the reply.

Thanks for the replies, they really are helping me to see things more clearly. Yes, there was definitely a sense of duty to my lovely Mum. She had really helped me in so many ways when our sons were younger.
Yes, if Mum had gone into a care home it would have cost a lot of money. A friend of mine (who is very "money-driven") said to me the other day that in my position, she'd find out how much a care home would have been and charge a bit less.

She even came up with a daily rate of £150. For looking after my own Mum in my home! So, over £100,000 for 2 years. I was speechless. I told her I was glad her parents are no longer around to need her help.

Maybe you should ask for the same as your sister then? You have actually done a lot more than part time support but I think I'd find it really hard to do the "nursing home" maths!

If your siblings think you should have something financially "extra" from your mum's estate I think that's ok. If you take too little you maybe will feel it was unfair at some point down the line when you are distanced from your loss. On the other hand, if you ask for a lot, perhaps you will feel you are "profiteering" from someone you loved.

I would think carefully about this and maybe discuss the issue more with the sister you are closer to. You may find they already have a figure in mind - and of course small sums can seem a lot from a small estate.

No, Cheryl, lots of us here know that when someone you love dies after a protracted illness, it is often a relief.

cheryl55 you have my admiration for providing loving care for your Mum. You cared for her and kept her safe for the last 2 years of her life and money couldn’t buy it.
But if your sisters are keen for you to have a larger share of the estate I would leave them to work it out between them. They shouldn’t put you in that position.

I agree Grannynannywanny.

I have to admit I am astonished that anyone would want to be paid for taking care of a parent. My DM spent many years on and off with my husband and I. Quite frankly it was a privilege to care for her. When she was dying she said to me "I wish I was leaving you a very rich woman". She did, the lessons of life she taught me were priceless jewels.

I am not money driven at all.

I like how your friend phrased it and his or her approach.

Child care, elder care, household chores.... are very undermined and undervalued, not reflecting the true value of the effort. It is frequently taken for granted.

Not sure if 150 is too much per day, as I am not in the UK.

Care homes in my area go from $3k to $5k a month or more depending on the needs of the person.
2 years is $72k to 120k.
Think about it, it is not only the food, shelter, cleaning.
You were on call 24/7 for 2 years.
Please do not undervalue what you did for your mother, you did more than you know.

Very sorry for your loss.

I think it is a reasonable thing for your sisters to suggest and a lovely way of thanking you but it's a really difficult thing for you to need to quantify and a really awkward position to be in. If the money is coming from your mums estate and there is no talking them out of it and just having your share....

What about carers allowance? That's usually what a person caring for a family member can claim if caring means they cannot also work many hours or at all etc

Its not a lot, 67.25 a week but times by 104 weeks is about £7000... I think

I can't help wondering about the legality of this proposed 'invoice' and how it affects the apportionment of the rest of the bequests. As there was no formal financial arrangement, its really a manipulated and fabricated invoice rather than a real one so it sounds a bit dodgy to me.
If your two sisters want to give you something out of their share of the estate to show their appreciation for what you've done, that's a different matter entirely and they are free to do that outside of the formal will apportionment and settlement.

The other thing that occurs to me is that any invoice submitted to and paid from the estate is going to be partly paid by you in a sense because it will reduce the amount of money left to be shared between the three of you. I realise I'm making a lot of assumptions here which might be completely wrong but the proposed invoiced arrangement sounds very odd to me.

Putting a value on care in retrospect is going to cause trouble, if a relative needs care and there is one sister willing and able to devote time then it is reasonable that she gets some payment.

If large payments are made now the other sisters will say “ I would have done the care if there was pay attached” or at least shared it. Legality, I think it is marginal, a large retrospective invoice like that might get challenged, so it’s best avoided.

Agreement in advance I think is rare, the family often share responsibilities informally according to ability

Is this a way of reducing inheritance tax?

What happened to her pension when she was living with you?

Sorry, clicked it before I had finished.
You were receiving attendance allowance in the latter stages so you would have to take that into account when deciding about any charges.
I can't imagine charging my family if I had ever had to look after my mother.

I was wondering about inheritance tax too. If you submitted an 'invoice' it would have to be paid by your mother's estate before tax so could recluse the taxable amount. Then you'd have to pay income tax on it yourself if it amounted to more than your annual tax allowance.

That's reduce not recluse!

I can’t see how a retrospective “ invoice” is appropriate.
If it is to reduce inheritance tax, I think they should take legal advice.

On the other hand, since your siblings now realise the extent of your commitment, both financial and in your time, maybe they could draw up a deed of variation to give you a larger share of the inheritance, with them determining how much that should be. You didn’t enter into the arrangement for the money, but there is no reason why they should not now recognise financially the enormity of your contribution and commitment.

My lovely Mum lived with us for 4.5 years before she died at the age of 97. I received attendance allowance and she paid a small amount for food etc. None of my siblings live near so couldn't help me with her care although my sister would move in for a week every year so we could have a holiday.

When Mum died they paid for her room to be decorated and have new carpets, curtains etc.

I didn't want any payment for looking after her, she was my Mum and I would have done anything for her

I don't think you really "want" money for looking after your mother - but your sisters feel you should be compensated in some way.

How about thanking them for the thought and suggesting they might like to cover the cost of a holiday for you and your husband (once all this virus stuff has passed). Or something else you would like - redecorate, garden makeover etc.

It may well be that they feel a little guilty at not having to rearrange their lives as you have had to - and repaying you in some way would also help them.

Goodness, what a lot of useful replies. Thank you.

I've been reading through and I don't think there's anything shady about Inheritance Tax..(I think the estate is borderline on the limit for paying it) my sister does feel that there should be some sort of invoice to cover any "extra" payment to me for having Mum live with me.
Mum's pensions (State and my Dad's occupational ones) were paid into her bank account.
Relations among us are beginning to thaw a bit, so I hope to have a reasonable chat with both sisters in the near future. Mum would have wanted us to remain close, especially as we don't have many other relatives.