Is this a life?

Marriages have their ups and downs, but you seem to consciously or unconsciously have grown into living side by side instead of together. You say that you don't know what he feels about it, so maybe now is the time to ask him how he sees the future. If you eat your (different) meals together, then that could be a time to raise the subject gently?

Once you have agreed what you both would like the future to be, then you can start to work towards it, counselling together or independently could form a part of it to help you decide?

I'm sure a lot of couples end up like that. You start off as lovers, then spend decades as sensible bread winners and parents, the children leave - and you can't get back to being lovers again. You're just not the same people.

If you're generally happy, secure and content, perhaps that's enough. If you're deeply unhappy, you might leave. Maybe you'd prefer being alone or with somebody else? It could, perhaps, be a risk worth taking.

Why not ask him how he feels about the situation? A chap at work said the love had gone from his marriage. He felt incredibly lonely - but would never upset his kids by leaving.

He fancied a 'little fling'. I said 'No, thanks' - being past the menopause and no longer interested (at all). It simply hadn't occurred to him that his feelings might change dramatically if he became involved with another woman - typical!

Not sure if it an age thing. Perhaps others on here might know.
It may be part of it?
When did it all happen? After the menopause?

You seem content enough? I am guessing he is content enough?

I know exactly what you're talking about, as it could pretty much describe my life too. I guess if you are both contented enough and not particularly bothered by it, then there's no real issue.

How would you feel if he got injured? Or died?

I think it is a life.
Some people separate but dont divorce.

It sounds like you've switched off a need for love and closeness from DH. This an awfully big thing to do without the rest of your life. Are you lonely, or indifferent? (being lonely with another around is not good: the grandchildren are going to grow up.

60 isn't very old to start over: its an enormous things to do: I'd try first seeing how DH feels, find a chance to talk it over.

But how would you do living alone? Have you the finances to do this?

Do you do anything together?

There is a reason why you chose to live like this which is your business. Beside going to work does your husband have any involvement with your DD and GC. Is there a good rapport with the family does he interact or get involved?

You share a house like companions but do you have a social life together with friends etc. Do you go on holiday or is there nothing in common between you?

A lot of couples live like this and it suits them but if you are questioning your situation maybe it’s time for a change. Only you know the answers to these questions it’s your decision. You need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Its time to assess how practically you can make changes and go it alone.

Many marriages become like a comfy pair of slippers, getting on well enough but living side by side, even if sharing a bedroom. A date night is good, to pretend that you have just met each other and then the talking from the heart can start again. It sounds as though the marriage is good but the spark is lost and this can happen with familiarity but a spark can be reignited

Hi
I think after reading these I feel less alone or odd.
I think I would say he's a decent man, we are close to our children. Me more so than him, as I see my daughter everyday.
We both have elderly parents that we care for and have both lost a parent.
He works from home since covid and I don't think that has helped things as he's become quite insular and a bit selfish in his ways
Financially I couldn't live alone no, I have no income and now no potential as I care for my gc
I think he realises this and thinks I should be grateful maybe. We also have debts we have carried for years.
I deal with everything bill wise etc.
We shop once a week together and occasionally visit our son at the same time. We did holiday together pre covid but not since. We have had uk breaks with our dd and gc.
He has interests and a couple of friends
I have friends and ex colleagues but don't get the time to see them.
Thanks for the replies.
I guess I went to bed last night feeling a bit sorry for myself x

I agree about the comfy slippers analogy!

That said, I have just replaced my totally worn out slippers with a pair of Birkenstock felt clogs because of plantar fasciitis and thrown them in the bin.
Read into that what you will!

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of joy? Do you ever go out together for a meal, to the cinema, for a walk? Could you suggest these things? Do you want to?
You say you wonder if it’s an age thing, but that you’re under 60. That’s a lot of life left to live! Think how you’d like that life to be.

The grass on the other side may be far from greener. There are many good things to work on in your marriage op, not forgetting that the age your op is at also triggers some change of life equivalents ie loss of strength, loss of importance in the workplace being treated as old by other people. It comes on suddenly with a man, women psychologically adapt in the pre menopause years. Lockdown triggered a lot of this uncertainty in many people, particularly in men, who tend not to chat in groups like women do

I suggest finding the nearest mens shed, see if he will go. A basically good marriage is definitely worth the extra work and should not be thrown out like a pair of old slippers. You both deserve better

I think you need to factor in some time to do something that just involves the two of you. You're being pulled and maybe swamped by your caring responsibilities for two generations and it sounds like you're both in a bit of a rut, however much you enjoy looking after your grandchildren.

Could you take the time to go out together, maybe to the cinema then a meal. The film will give you a starting point for a conversation!
Better still a weekend away to an interesting place. Something you can both look forward to.
Ask your husband if he would like you to arrange something and take it from there.

Yes I'm under 60.
No we don't go for meals etc.
Very occasionally cinema but not often.
It's literally shopping or going to our ds.
I suppose its mostly comfy maybe, he provides an income, I keep the house and deal with the bills and general stuff.
If we were to split he's always said he would be OK but I'd be in the 💩 as I have nothing.
I'm won't even have an inheritance once my parent goes as that's not what is in the will.
He will get quite a good inheritance and a good pension.
My dd works which I why I have the gc, but she couldn't afford childcare if I didn't, so I know that would affect her massively too if I had to find a job.
As I said, I don't crave the affection or intimacy, not from him or any one else
I've never been tempted or had feelings for anyone else.
I think he def does and another reply def made me think that's how he feels 'a little fling'

I think you need to MAKE time to see your friends and ex colleagues. The only people you seem to see are your daughter and children, son occasionally, and husband (though you hardly interact with him at all) Daughter has her working life, family, and presumably friends who she relaxes with, son too, and husband has his interests. What are your interests, and who are your companions in those interests?

Why not sit down and mark in different colours on a blank calendar the times when you are looking after grandchildren or seeing daughter, when you are doing house chores (with husband in another room) , and when you are chatting with someone you like or following a hobby or interest. I think you will find that most of it is in one of two colours.

There are so many things that you could be doing. Get a dog and take it for daily walks. You will meet other dog-owners and take it for daily walks. You will have a loyal companion and a reason to leave the house, and you could make good friends among the people you meet. Take up a creative hobby, even if you are no good at it you will have to choose the materials and design and sit down and actually have a go at making it. Join a leisure class of some kind - exercise, craft, book club, family history, politics. There will be other people there, and maybe a future lifetime friend will be there, looking for you. Go to a cafe - yes, all on your own - and sit with a cup of coffee and a scone watching the world go by.

Many of us have been at the same crossroads. You are wondering "Is this all there is?" No, there is much more, but you have to step forward to meet it. Widen your horizons!

Elegran

I think you need to MAKE time to see your friends and ex colleagues. The only people you seem to see are your daughter and children, son occasionally, and husband (though you hardly interact with him at all) Daughter has her working life, family, and presumably friends who she relaxes with, son too, and husband has his interests. What are your interests, and who are your companions in those interests?

Why not sit down and mark in different colours on a blank calendar the times when you are looking after grandchildren or seeing daughter, when you are doing house chores (with husband in another room) , and when you are chatting with someone you like or following a hobby or interest. I think you will find that most of it is in one of two colours.

There are so many things that you could be doing. Get a dog and take it for daily walks. You will meet other dog-owners and take it for daily walks. You will have a loyal companion and a reason to leave the house, and you could make good friends among the people you meet. Take up a creative hobby, even if you are no good at it you will have to choose the materials and design and sit down and actually have a go at making it. Join a leisure class of some kind - exercise, craft, book club, family history, politics. There will be other people there, and maybe a future lifetime friend will be there, looking for you. Go to a cafe - yes, all on your own - and sit with a cup of coffee and a scone watching the world go by.

Many of us have been at the same crossroads. You are wondering "Is this all there is?" No, there is much more, but you have to step forward to meet it. Widen your horizons!

I love this.
I know what I need to do but doing it is another thing.
I feel shattered when I don't have the children, as I literally am there 10hrs a day.
I have tried more recently to meet for coffee etc, prob is my friend's still work.
I def know I need to be more pro active tho x

How would you feel if he "had a little fling"?

Was there a reason or time when your feelings for him became less?

You both sound as though you are bored with each other and your lives. People who have a more interesting life outside their marriage are more interesting within it. Even a good-going shouting match from time to time is more stimulating than an endless round of nothing. He is probably as fed up as you are.

If you don't change something you will eventually drift completely apart - him into that "little fling" that leads to him leaving for the "other woman", you into prematurely being a "little old woman" who never goes anywhere or sees any friends, and depends entirely on her daughter for interest, company and mental stimulation. Is that what you want? What your daughter would want?

If you were doing childcare professionally, you would have time off! 10-hour days are just not on, and on the days when you don't look after them, you really need to be away from them completely to let their mother take over and be their carer. It is all too easy for grandma to become the one always in charge of their lives.

Then you would have days when you were free to be in charge of your own life.

There are Mother and Child groups who meet regularly to let the children socialise, and for their mothers to socialise too. Outings are arranged to child-friendly places, and parks etc. Grandmothers are usually welcome, and it would be a way for you to chat with others. Your experience would be welcome at one of these groups too. Many young mothers are far from their own mothers and don't have anyone to discuss childcare problems with.

I do think it is important to have interests outside the home - some things you can enjoy together and discuss and different things so that you bring something new into the conversation.
Sometimes you have to work at it, which means you have to want to.
That said, DH and I used to enjoy “companionable” silence, each reading our own book /iPad. I miss those times almost as much as the activities!

If you both do not want a physical relationship then it is a good way to live. You are living as housemates that know each other well, you said that you could not afford to live alone.

Do you ever speak about what you both want for the future? Could you get a job so that you are financially independent, it would be unfair to stay if it is just so that you can be supported.

It does sound as if you need interests outside of your family. As much as I'm sure you enjoy looking after your GC, maybe this simply isn't stimulating enough for you.

Have you ever talked to your D about the possibility of at least some of the childcare being paid for so you could look for some part time work?

Narnia, if you were to divorce you would get a share of his pension, its worked out according to the number of years you have been together, since looking after children and house IS regarded as work.

You should get half the value of the house too providing no mortgage or half the value of the house minus the mortgage.

You can ring a solicitor for a free half hour consultation. I'd do this so you know your options whether you act on them or not. However it's some time before your state pension. However you may be assessed as to whether you have earning abilities when it comes to the financial side - I'm not sure on this one.

Under the new No blame divorce laws you do not need to have lived separately for 2 years nor prove blame from either side.

However I agree with other posters about finding things you enjoy outside the home. If you live alone this would be essential anyway. Doing this may change your feelings about the marriage.