How can I stop people from 'helping' ?

Just say “OK that’s a good idea” then do as you planned, some things are just not worth arguing about.

I have a friend who reglularly does b).
Not just to me but to others as well.
We all just smile.
She doesnt seem to notice we dont actually do all things advised. Everyone happy[as long as we can keep ignoring her].

Sometimes I don't understand her. Why didn't she think 'ok, she's got it worked out' and leave it, instead of losing her temper.
I did not lose mine, but now I'm really upset.

...and I will do it - but later, when I've cooled down.

My MIL would say “If you say so.” in a tone that brought the subject to and end.

“Thats a good idea” is gentler.

But basically a shit down and immediately follow with something completely different - preferably a question that they have to answer in some detail. “How is the cat?” or whatever.

Harder to deal with I found were the people who did things for without asking. It was one of the reasons I moved after my husband died because for some reason people intruded in a way they would never have done before.

Bought me equipment, did stuff in the garden, organised people to visit and told some others not to.

I totally understand your frustration.

Is she your older sister or has a bossy personality? Sometimes just can't see the wood for the trees. A woman at our WI is like that. She thinks she is 'helping'. I suppose you could say: Why would I want to do that? or I have been looking after myself for 80, why would I stop now?

Are you relying on her for a lift Alie2Oxon?

Otherwise this doesn't really make sense.

She tells you to go to Asda instead of the nearest cash-point, you say, "no dear, I've planned my day, starting at the cash-point... talk to you later, bye-ee"

As for the wider problem of friends offering 'helpful' advice - I understand, I'm 84 and bereaved last year. Well-meaning - and they usually are - friends and acquaintances frequently give me the "why don't you join xyz, you might enjoy the activities" or "I think you should zyx..."

It's frustrating, I know.

My close friends and family are aware that if I genuinely need help or advice, I will ask them and equally genuinely listen to their advice or take up the offer of help. Because they know that, like them, I have a mind of my own.

It ruins your day, I know, when you have it planned and something or someone comes along and derails it. Talk to your sister, quietly without anger, and tell her that your autonomy over your choices is important to you.

She's my younger sister by nine years. I suspect some ancient jealousy, but there's no way of talking about that...
Yeah, bossy.
I suppose I used to do what she wanted.

She may lash out at me verbally now (emails), but I do not respond in kind. I don't do hurting.
I think I need to be an immovable object.

I know it doesn't make sense!

I thought about asking her for a lift yesterday but decided I could make it easier by taxi today.
If I ask for help. fine. But I didn't...

I think there's some deeper discrimination here though... if your body is disabled, your mental capabilities must be as well?
I have a wheelchair and any time I'm being pushed some- where I have the impulse to assert myself - which I do, especially when someone speaks to the pusher first!

I confess to trying to be "helpful" on many occasions. Often it's just for the sake of making conversation. In return I welcome bright ideas and recommendations from other people.

Has your sister tended to be a bit bossy in the past? If so, never mind. At least she's still talking to you and you know what to expect.

When you're feeling patronised and annoyed by those who think they know best just change the subject.

Good luck with your book!

My sister is 92 and in a very nice care home but she still tells me what to do as she has done since we were children. As we live in opposite ends of the country, I can sayb%’what a good idea’ and do nothing. I love her dearly ‘Miss bossy boots,as I used to call her.

I believe that telling others what to do is an easy way for folk to reassure themselves ( and others) that they are helping, without them having to actually do anything.
I would just do as others advised, say something’s a good idea, then carry on with your original plan!
Congratulations on the book!

I can understand your frustration but some arguments you can let go. Don't participate.

I value my peace over any sort of point scoring.

Your sister sounds combatitive. I have one who is similar and although her attitudes and approach often grate I try not to let things escalate.

Defuse the situation by not getting embroiled. Agree or change the subject. Moving on in peace is best, if possible.

I would love to know about the book. Have you written more than one? Ignore me if that is too nosey - but I hope for at least a hint.
I have a very aggressively bossy and critical sibling so you have my sympathy.

I've booked a taxi for 4pm
When I come back, I'll see if I can write a peace-making email to my sister. Or maybe not today.

I'm not trying to score points... more like defending myself!

At 79 , a lifetime of experience and practice has equipped me with multiple cunning ways to resist unwanted demands.

Let me think about that, is also a good way out.

Or just mmmmmm and do exactly what you want!

Some people ‘help’ with the best of intentions, some are just plain overbearing!
I just say ‘ please don’t take away this last shred of independence’……….and get on with the task in hand!

Nod and smile, nod and smile and do exactly as you planned!

But you don't have to defend yourself.
You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone.
You know what she's like.
So maybe don't tell her in such detail what you are doing.
You have to be prepared. Have some general phrases ready.
Maybe react with amused amazement.
Read up on assertive communication.
Remember it's her problem.
Don't make it yours.

A lot of sense there, welbeck.
I shouldn't have told her a problem.
I've taken in what you're saying - and will try harder.

By the way, my trip only half worked. The card now has the right PIN, but still won't do contactless.

No suggestions, please!
- I will speak to the bank. End of.

I taught adults TEFL at one point, and however good their vocabulary was, the tone and the way you said something can totally alter the meaning of a sentence or phrase , which was some of the most difficult things to understand, Also when learning to use the telephone, the lack of body language and gestures made quite a difference. So I used to give them the same phrase on a table , but each person was asked to say it in a specific way, annoyed or enquiring or whatever, and the others asked to recognise it. As we do such a lot in a shorthand way with emails etc., I was wondering if something has been misheard or misread, and led on to further problems.?

Disabled myself , but still used to both running my own life, and giving my opinions on a variety of other things, I know the frustration when your body cant do what you want it to, but whatever other people see, inside you are still that person with your own choices to make in life.

I used to offer to take two or three people who could no longer drive to the coast. But I would think in advance what I was prepared to do, and then offer the trip on my terms. So I would offer the trip, where I would pick people up from their homes, and drop them off at a convenient place at the coast, with a planned return time, but with the proviso that if the weather turned very bad, we could ring each other up and rearrange the timing. But when people started saying things like "Oh we could go to the shops together " I immediately said firmly but politely, "No, I am not offering to do that. I will only be going to the drop off point and returning later to pick up. That way we are all free to do as we want." Ruffled a few feathers the first time, but as I said later, I am happy to offer to do a similar trip and share the fuel, or we could go to somewhere like RHS Harlow Carr, on the same understanding. Since then have done several trips and although it sounds bossy the first time, everyone actually likes the freedom to do their own thing, and those that like the same thing can go together.

However, when it comes to how you run your life, you have survived and made choices without a major catastrophe, as your being alive to tell the tale shows. Disabilities may cause us frustration and annoyances , but do not cancel our ability to use our brain as we have done so for many a year. So I tend to speak firmly, not with a raised voice, but just stating, "Thank you for the offer, but I have my own preferred way of doing X" or stating No , I'm only available to do A, not B and stick to it. Even if it looks somewhat ridiculous , so many years ago, I was offered a lift to somewhere, which I accepted , but said that I must be back by 3pm as I needed to be back for my son coming home. It was the first (and last!) time I went with that person, who blithely continued to wander about and say there was plenty of time etc. I simply decided that I wasnt going to get uptight about it, and found out where the nearest taxi rank was, then went up to her, and said I am getting a taxi back as I did say I needed to be back by 3pm, and didnt wait for her promises to just be a few more minutes but left. I got a reputation for meaning what I say and that also goes the other way too, as if I promise to do something or collect someone, they know I can be relied upon.

If I am offered some unnecessary assistance in a supermarket, I usually smile at the person and just say, "No, I am fine, thanks for asking" and carry on. My somewhat sarcastic answer to someone in a dress shop, who kept trying to get me to look at something I did not want, after twice politely stating that was not what I wanted, was to look straight at her and ask " can I just check. I am the customer and I am spending my money" . Even if you dont want or need to say that to someone, I find that going out with the assumption that I am entitled to receive the same treatment as others, and that I should also be polite to others, is a good standpoint and it works well for me. Locally now , people are used to seeing me around and know how I tend to be, and on bad days I will ask if I need help and thank them for it.

So be kind to yourself, I think you should award yourself some small treat to cheer yourself up, whether that is a good cup of coffee or a g and t, Then if you still feel annoyed about it ,get either a cushion or a pillow and use as a punch bag, or in a positive way, make some bread. Home made bread is delicious and thumping the dough gets rid of frustration and you can eat the result!

With regards to your sister I think you have two options. Either you try some of the above to feel better yourself, and then dont speak about the hassle. Alternatively you might possibly write her a letter, rather than an email , explaining your views and attitude, or perhaps arrange to meet her in a neutral place such as a pleasant cafe, where you can see how it goes from there. The only important thing overall is that as Churchill said "just keep b-----ing on, but in your own sweet way. If you can pull it off , you could always irritate the person concerned by saying in a pleasant voice with a smile on your face "oh yes I know that is the way you do it, but I prefer my own way" If you practise that phrase it can be so useful, as they cannot say you are being rude, yet you remain implacable to changing your plans. They may think you are a awkward so and so, but do you care? Best of luck, whatever you decide to do, and know that GN's are full of lots of ideas and experiences and you will find plenty of other people choose your way. Hope you will let us know which if any of the things you tried. At 81, when things rattle me I sometimes think the most annoying thing that I can do back to whoever or whatever is to keep breathing!