Alzheimers advert.

I read the OP, and it sounded to me as if untold pressure was put on life partners to keep someone with Alzheimers at home, whatever the circumstance.

I then watched the advert when it was linked, and commented again.

'Ah thanks, must say it is very moving (and yes I shed a tear).

But for the grace ...

I do hope that if and when, I shall have the courage to make the right choice'

Did you not see my second post? And the next about my dear brother?

Fleurpepper

The worst emotional blackmail. I have not seen the advert btw.

@Fleurpepper
How can you comment on something you haven’t seen?

I did not register any “emotional blackmail” in the ad. My sister went into a care home with Dementia last Autumn and I regard it as a totally loving gesture and sacrifice on my BIL’s part to choose the best quality of life for her. No less love, no less caring, no less heartache.
The same situation arose when D2’s MIL went into care four years ago. The same devotion and care was evidenced by her DH and my SIL who went to the care home every day to give her lunch or supper, sit with her along with other members of the family. When lockdown forbade face2face visits her grand daughter sang “ Over the Rainbow” to her over the phone . Her safety was paramount as indeed was the MH of her husband.
She died a year ago and they did indeed “love and cherish” her until parted by death.

I saw the advert last night.

I found it very sad, but I’m sure, very accurate.

Selfishly, I hope that DH and I never end up in that situation, either him needing the care from me, or me needing it from him.

thank you everyone for being so kind to me

I've had to put someone in a home not DH but very close for their own safety and comfort. It isn't anything any of us can do lightly and without a lot of heartache and guilt. If I am ever in the position to need it myself I hope DH or family will not hesitate and I have told them so.

I thought the ad was well done and quite moving. There are always difficult decisions we have to make when the time comes, I understand why people feel guilty but they really shouldn't.

JaneJudge I spent most of my working life in services for adults with disabilities and you absolutely did the right thing for your daughter. So many times I saw a person with disabilities admitted to residential care following a family breakdown. So stressful for everyone, how much better it would have been to have a planned admission with family support. I admire you for doing the right thing for your daughter.

GrannySomerset

Right as usual, Monica. Most of us cope at home, with or without support, until it becomes unsafe or our own health is damaged beyond repair. I don’t feel guilty that DH spent his last seven weeks in a caring and competent nursing home rather than having a catastrophic fall at home and being blue lighted into hospital. He would never have understood what was happening and been distressed beyond bearing. I am proud to have made the decision before it was forced on me.

Good for you Granny somerset you should be proud of the decision you made for both of you.

JaneJudge I hope you are now looking more like "yourself".

I know someone who struggled for years (into her 70s) with her son.
The tears and the guilt she felt when she finally had to admit she could no longer cope were terrible - but within 6 months it was clear that his life had SO improved that she was sorry she had been fighting it for so long.

Within a year she looked 10 years younger and loved her visits to see her "boy" which became a pleasure. He is so happy.
I am sure letting go is hard but in many cases it's eventually for the best

It makes me shed a tear, quite a few TBH Fleurpepper. It shows the wife struggling which anyone trying to live with someone with Alzheimers or dementia will identify with.

Our dd's social worker said we looked awful for ages I think sometimes it is a relief to be told that Ravenscroft

I felt that this advert was very well made and hit just the right note. It is an overall advert and there is no one size fits all. They are just trying to make people aware of what they do and how they need support in these hard times. No one should feel guilty for doing their best till sadly their best is no longer fit for purpose. My mother had to have professional care in the end because I could just not cope with her any more. She was up every hour of the day and night shouting and banging. The social worker said that if I carried on it would kill me so they found her a great nursing home. I felt no remorse because I had gone way beyond the call of duty and for ten years. That last month in the nursing home gave me time to be a daughter and visit MY mum. It also allowed me to have a night's sleep. Six years on and I still struggle with the total burn out I experienced during those years.

My mother had Alzheimers 40 years ago. None of us were in a position to look after as she deteriorated and so she went into a home.

In my mother's case, because the carers wore a uniform she thought that they were nurses and so didn't mind the personal care aspect too much. Whilst there was a semblance of awareness I think that she did not like the idea of her daughters doing the personal care bit.

There's an interesting argument in the Guardian today - here's a link (it's more about taking care of oneself rather than dealing with Alzheimers)

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/mar/11/dont-forget-to-floss-the-science-behind-dementia-and-the-four-things-you-should-do-to-prevent-it

I felt uncomfortable about it too. I get comments off people regular regarding my dd who has a complex learning disability/brain injury, oh why don't you have her home etc and it is because I cannot cope with her, I cannot give her the care she needs at home and she deserves better than that. I haven't made the decision for me, I have made the decision for her

I know it's a different scenario but it is still the same

My older brother took his wife back three times - and only gave up when she beat him black and blue, and smashed a window. Only then did he accept that it was beyond him, and stopped feeling so guilty.

Agreed Monica.

Not sure what to think about this. We had my lovely Mum living with us got four years - until dementia took hold, by which time our daughter was 11 years old . It was very hard for everyone, I never had any intention of Mum going into car but ............!!
We had to place her in a nursing home and I was riddled with remorse and guilt. A health visitor gave me wise words " You will still be your Mum's carer , you will over see her well being , you are not abandoning her "
So when a spouse must find a carr home he / she is still honouring the wedding vow - ' In sickness and in health till death do us part' That doesn't change just because one is in care and the other not. The spouse in their own home is still taking loving care of their marriage partner - and more than likely is more patient because he / she has time and space to recharge batteries.

What MOnica said.

Right as usual, Monica. Most of us cope at home, with or without support, until it becomes unsafe or our own health is damaged beyond repair. I don’t feel guilty that DH spent his last seven weeks in a caring and competent nursing home rather than having a catastrophic fall at home and being blue lighted into hospital. He would never have understood what was happening and been distressed beyond bearing. I am proud to have made the decision before it was forced on me.

Ah thanks, must say it is very moving (and yes I shed a tear).

But for the grace ...

I do hope that if and when, I shall have the courage to make the right choice

If everything was to be rejected incase someone somewhere might feel guilty, then we might as well all pack up and go home now and say nothing to anyone about anything. Just leave them wallowing in their misery.

We all know that how ever loving and caring one is, there does sometimes come a time with dementia and other illnesses when there is no alternative to someone going into care. There will, of course be someone who feels they are a total failure if they do that, but that is a quite separate problem.

Time and again we get people on GN saying they consider themselves total failures because of some minor, often very minor failing. and we all do everything we can toput them on their feet again.

But to say to those caring for family with demementia, we can say nothing to encourage you and offer you help,because someone else may be upset by it is madness.

I saw it on TV but it is also a video on their website.

www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-involved/make-a-donation

I’ve just watched it on here www.alzheimers.org.uk/news/2023-03-09/new-campaign-reveals-how-dementia-puts-ultimate-vow-sickness-and-health-test

I don’t see a problem with it, it’s a snapshot and is seeking donations.

Can you post a link? Where have you seen it?

The worst emotional blackmail. I have not seen the advert btw.

Completely agree with you Casbbie21. I have seen the advertisement, which is very moving and thought provoking but could also trigger guilt in those who have had to resort to placing a loved one in a care facility.