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Is this elder abuse?…. What can I do?

(12 Posts)
Misnund00rstood Wed 21-Oct-26 18:30:16

I think I know the answer but looking for some direction on how to handle it. I”ll try to keep it short. I care for my 96 yr old father who lives independently, in good health, has all his marbles and doing well since mum died. My only sibling passed away several years ago and his family visit occasionally and dad tells me that things ‘go missing’ when they come. I initially tried to assure him that he must be mistaken (I didn’t believe him as it was so far fetched). But since the last visit he mentioned something which has definitely gone missing (because I put it there). I’m so at a crossroads - he and I know it’s gone. I can’t bear the thought of a falling out and I also cannot countenance my father being taken advantage of.

Esmay Wed 21-Oct-26 18:34:56

I noticed that linen was missing after it had been admired .
As the carers were so inadequate - leaving the front door open and nearly setting the house on fire- I dismissed them .

Boomer1947 Wed 21-Oct-26 18:39:45

I would just say, casually, do you know where the item is, in a way that doesn't sound as if you are accusing anybody of taking it. You can usually tell from the body language and facial expression if the person you are talking to is telling the truth.
If they say "don't know" maybe ask if they can help you search your dad's house to look for it as he is upset.

Fallingstar Wed 21-Oct-26 19:00:15

When you refer to your father’s family, are they not related to you??
Just trying to figure that out.
But in reply to your dilemma, grasp the nettle and ring the relatives who visit asking innocently enough if they have seen the missing items, don’t accuse them but say that you might install a hidden camera in case someone has been coming in without your knowledge, a neighbour etc., and taking your fathers things. This should be enough to put the wind up them if they are culprits and put a stop to their shenanigans. But a hidden camera with vulnerable elderly relatives might actually be a good idea.

Misnund00rstood Wed 21-Oct-26 19:02:05

Boomer - I want to be casual about it and don’t want to upset anyone but they live at the other end of the country so I can’t see/gauge their body language or facial expressions. Dad is not upset, just disappointed.

BlueBelle Wed 21-Oct-26 19:03:56

I would be very concerned We only found out after my auntie died that her carer, who she thought of as a daughter had been stealing off her for years, it only came to light when my aunty at end of life went into hospital and my dad was told he couldn’t visit her as he wasn’t her next of kin. This carer had put herself down as next of kin. After my aunty died we found all her money and lots of her belongings had been stolen. We went through a solicitor but could not prosecute as we could prove nothing as my aunt had been of sound mind, and the carer said she had been given everything out of love.
Be very aware

Rocketstop2 Wed 21-Oct-26 19:10:48

Fallingstar

When you refer to your father’s family, are they not related to you??
Just trying to figure that out.
But in reply to your dilemma, grasp the nettle and ring the relatives who visit asking innocently enough if they have seen the missing items, don’t accuse them but say that you might install a hidden camera in case someone has been coming in without your knowledge, a neighbour etc., and taking your fathers things. This should be enough to put the wind up them if they are culprits and put a stop to their shenanigans. But a hidden camera with vulnerable elderly relatives might actually be a good idea.

I agree about the camera, I don't know if you speak to them when they plan to visit your Father but you could just say 'Oh he's ok but we have had a camera fitted for his safety, we haven't told him about it but it means we can see each room in case he falls. That should make them wary of pocketing anything, OR you might find they return the item lest you have got them on camera !!!

Misnund00rstood Wed 21-Oct-26 19:17:09

@Fallingstar - yes, all family and we love to see them. I”ll check in with dad first re. cameras. Just seems so unnecessary and disappointingly sad

Fallingstar Wed 21-Oct-26 19:38:59

Yes it is sad but in many cases it does become necessary. Just don’t let your dad think that you think he is incapable of looking after his own stuff. After all hidden cameras are used in countless scenarios to keep track of what is happening when there are a number of comings and goings
There is no shame in resorting to this.

SpinDriftCoastal Wed 21-Oct-26 20:15:46

If you are his carer, is there anyway you can control their visits?

Misnund00rstood Wed 21-Oct-26 20:52:31

Thanks all for your erudite replies. I am his (daughter) carer and will obviously do what’s best for him. @SpinDriftCoastal- yes, first port of call -maybe arrange to meet elsewhere. He is such a worry.

Cossy Wed 21-Oct-26 20:59:51

I just wanted to a camera is a very good idea and also good luck thanks