Adapting to the changes of age

My late OH often used to keep it together and behave appropriately in company - nothing like how he was when he stopped trying and it was just the two of us. Pleasing and frustrating in equal measure!

Care for the carers is thin on the ground but please contact all the advised organisations for their local knowledge and other support.

Because of my OH's illness we were allowed to use the services of the hospice, mainly as an outpatient and the care that I received there was wonderful. Whilst he was having a treatment (music therapy which he loved) they would give me a massage. I so appreciated all they did for us. And they took him in for respite for 2 weeks when I was getting burnt out.

I’m so pleased to have found this thread. My husband of 56 years has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers.
I’m finding it hard to accept, it’s been a shock even though I suspected it and got him seen very quickly.

Thankyou kittylester. You and I are very similar in background. Like you I volunteered many years for the Alzheimers Society. Befriending was
my priority also involved with raising awareness and fundraising. I thought I had a sound understanding of dementia and indeed I did , however........... I now have a much deeper understanding!
and recognise the psychological impact on a spouse/ partner of trying to grasp the enormity of what is happening to their loved one - the relationship changes,
acknowledging that my reliable man is no longer capable of giving me the security I have always appreciated, having to be one step ahead and overwhelmed at the horror that is unfolding, knowing it will get worse ! DH is very good at hosting and puts on a very good show when occasion demands . I find this very frustrating people say things like G seems on good form ! I then worry about others thinking I am exaggerating. The layers of complexity are vast.
Thankyou Kitty.

Shelflife, please contact your local Alzheimer's Society and AgeUk if you haven't already. Are you getting all the benefits to which you are entitled- those charities will help you if you need it.

Thankyou all. Luckygirl such sound advice. I appreciate your response.
My DHs denial is hard for me to accept. There are support groups but I am not sure my DH would agree to go. I am scared because although our situation is not good we do still get out and about, fortunately he is physically very well, I am already struggling and dont think I will be strong enough to cope as his condition deteriorates.
We are lucky to have amazing caring children but I am aware of not loading too much on them .
I am sad that our relationship has changed and just want him back!
The psychological effect on me is profound ! After over 52 years of marriage this is so sad.
Its not been a good day but my life long friend is coming to stay for a few days so I am looking forward spending time with her and having a meaningful conversation! Tomorrow will be better !

This is so sad and not really what any of us expected that old age would be like.
My attitude is that we just keep doing what we are able to do and keep going to visit new places as time allows.
Most of all keep smiling 😊

So many of you having such hard days. We just have to keep going don't we.

I feel I'm entering a phase where H realises he's getting forgetful and absent minded and worries about it. He says I'm watching what he does all the time in case he "gets things wrong" which I really don't. I try and help if he can't find something but that's all.

I am ashamed to admit that I now resent him- how bad is that of me!?

It is not at all bad - it is normal. My late OH was totally paranoid - thought I was trying to kill him. Some days I felt the same - the other way round!

Honestly what you are feeling is entirely normal. Please do not beat yourself up about it.

I managed to stay passingly sane by ringfencing two activities each week that I went to and bought in care to be with him for those times. At first he was not happy with the idea but I just stuck to my guns. I knew I had to get away sometimes. Those two activities have continued to sustain me since his death and a would have petered out if I had stayed away during his decline.

Prioritising your own wellbeing is in the end doing him a favour.

Are you getting all the help you can?

Sending so much support to you x

Shelflife - it sounds so hard for you. Hoping you can get some respite help so you can have time away just to have a break. 💐💐

My husband has Alzheimers and the change in our relationship is hard to accept. In addition to that he is very hard of hearing - refuses to wear a hearing aid and its all too late now. So I am constantly repeating myself a - because he cant hear and b - because he cant understand!! The tv is on full blast all day - noise pollution!!!!I turn it off and ask him to leave it off , no chance he simply can not remember. His short term memory is none existent and it is causing major problems throughout each day. His judgement is poor , takes a dislike to people for no reason and is completely convinced our teenage GS is stealing from us - completely untrue.
I am ashamed to admit that I now resent him- how bad is that of me!?
Nothing is going to improve it will get worse God forbid! He is trundling along in either happy oblivion and complete denial. I have already had 4 years of this and dread the future. We go out every day , a short walk or out for coffee. Cinema or theatre is out of the question now.
Thankyou for reading - today is a bad day .
CarrotTop, sound advice- I will try.

It's really difficult when one partner goes downhill faster than the other. As someone who's been coping with that for many years now, I'd advise you to keep on organising outings, etc, and don't give up until you absolutely have to. That is exactly what I didn't do and I now regret it terribly. Don't be rash but, at the same time, don't be discouraged by thoughts of what might happen. And try to have a Get-Back-In-A-Hurry Plan in place before you set out. Good luck.

You have dealt with so much Nexus63

Nexus63, what a difficult time you have had. I just wanted to offer kind wishes to you 💐

i was 34 when my life had to change, my husband was 18 years older than me and i knew and accepted that some time in the future i would need to step up because of the age difference, he developed what we though was a brain tumor but it turned out it was a viral mass, operations did not help, although they could see it on a scan, it was viral and not something they could physically remove, they tried various medications, he was a very reserved man who although he could do things for himself, his working life was now over, i became his full time carer, living on benefits and constantly worrying about money, how we would manage, the weekly hospital visits, he became very emotional and kept thinking i would leave him for a younger man, i lost him and became a widow at 39, it was hard as we had a son, but it stood me in could stead for the future, i am now 63 and live on my own with various health problems and i am now disabled. sorry for the long post.

I'm a widow who shared some great adventures with my late DH. Now, I'm just back from a slightly complicated self-organised trip to Spain with a dear friend who isn't up to organising that herself. But she knows a lot about art and I love going with her to galleries.
Our phones can do so much for us now that would have been difficult previously. Life's an adventure!

Luckygirl13

"Life waxes and wanes - it changes over time - we have to cultivate acceptance and hang on to those joys that do remain. There is no other way."

Well said, so very true!

My H is getting hearing aids after a lot of subtle persuasion.

He's fine a lot of the time but then has times when he can't process stuff the way he used to and looks totally bewildered.

Anyway, goodness knows what I'll be like in 10 years time if I make it

Not quite sure I agree. Yes, not to stress about it, but seek medical advice before you resign yourself.

e.g I had given up on controlling my leaks as doc gave me pelvic floor exercises. Fifteen years later, consulting on another "pain" I mentioned my pad. New (female) doc referred me to urinary consultant - 6 months of pills, different exercises and strategies, cream application and I now only wear a pad if I am out all day with no idea where the loo will be, just in case

Rocketstop2

I guess from what you're saying Midge, that he won't be persuaded to have hearing aids ?

I was thinking the same thing. I wear hearing aids in both ears and it's the best thing I have done. Now I don't have to turn up the TV, annoying neighbours passing by when window is open,and others in the house. Have you checked if he has impacted wax in his ears?

Midge

My DH is going deaf. I hate having to answer his phone calls with him an translate in conversations with others. It looks like he's losing the plot but he's not. It's very frustrating

Mine too. Do NOT let him get away without some form of hearing aid. Mine actually switches himself off in the middle of conversations etc and while he could hear, his brain is not processing. The audiologist told us this would happen but he will not wear his aids.

It is also part of the contributory factor in cognitive decline - not actually dementia but exhibits the same way

I guess from what you're saying Midge, that he won't be persuaded to have hearing aids ?

My DH is going deaf. I hate having to answer his phone calls with him an translate in conversations with others. It looks like he's losing the plot but he's not. It's very frustrating

I could have written that Sandelf, I'm in exactly the same position. He's not the confident traveller he used to be and I'm stepping up on the organising/driving etc etc.
I don't mind this but I'm sad about it.

Thank you LG - A recipe for 'not banging head on brick wall' is just what I need. Have recently been learning I can't/shouldn't expect to do it all.

I have to agree, Luckygirl13 has encapsulated it perfectly.