Friends of friends

NotSpaghetti

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

Yes that seems ok to me too although I think adding a compliment about enjoying someones company makes it more powerful/persuasive I think.

I I was asked directly why re Jen I would say "Well I find that when she is tgere we seem to have very little time to talk to each other as Jen has so much to say. I want to hear from you and talk to you on your own sometimes"

I’ve been in a similar situation. It is very difficult when the only thing you have in common is your friend. I avoided going on outings where the friend was present by feigning an illness. A bit cowardly I know but couldn’t think of a way round it. In the end I think my friend got the message and we just meet as the two of us.

NotSpaghetti

Petra I couldn't make jokes about something like this. I'm afraid that does sound a little cruel.
I'm sure you don't mean it like that.

I didn’t make the talking pill joke to her, I said it to my friend.
It had gone on for so long that it felt like a penance every month.

Madgran77

"Yes I'd love to meet but can we keep it just us two this time. I enjoy your company so much!"

Very good response 👍🏻

I think Madgran’s and Doodledog’s approaches are both tactful and honest, which is what is needed here.

I sat for our group's Christmas lunch next to the most ghastly woman who was disparaging, gossipy, and demeaning. She completely ruined my pre-Christmas mood as I could just not understand how someone could be so judgmental. It is five months since I last saw her and I am pleased to say that I avoid people like her like the plague. You won't change other people but you can change your response. Do something, do nothing, wait! If you have other friends, groups, or social connections, is this first friend so important to you? People come, people go, but you go on forever...........

I would avoid them both. Why not?

Petra I couldn't make jokes about something like this. I'm afraid that does sound a little cruel.
I'm sure you don't mean it like that.

The cousin could have had ADHD and tend to talk non-stop when nervous in new social situations.

I say that as I have ADHD and also this tendency to do what a friend describes as 'jabber'. I am fortunate that as I know I do it, I can exercise some control over it, but not always. I have often been talking non-stop for several minutes before I realise - and then shut down.

I would start by saying something like Pat speaks her mind, doesn’t she but obviously in a very smiley way.
At another meet-up on your own bring up what she said that was unpleasant.
Just keep drip dripping until you feel comfortable by saying what you want to say.

I had this situation with my close friends cousin. The woman did just not stop talking from the moment she walked through the door.
I kept making jokes about her being on the talking pills 😂 until the next get together when I told my friend, I won’t be coming.

NotSpaghetti

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

Am afraid I’m with you on this.
At my age I really can’t do with pussyfooting around friends, was a people pleaser most of my life, now I haven’t got the bandwidth for it.

I would have to say something too.
I would be quite straightforward I think and say "please don't bring Pat along - we can do something with Pat another day".

Tricky. I wouldn't say negative things about Pat, but would suggest outings to Jen and say you'd prefer it to be just the two of you. If she asks why, you could say that you get more of a chance to talk to her when Pat's not around. She'll get the message, but won't be put in a position where she might feel disloyal to her friend.

I would come straight out with it and voice my feelings of unease to Jen. Maybe she just can’t see what’s right under her nose. If she is a true friend she should take your comments on board and agree to meet you without Pat.
The only alternative is to put up with Pat and hope that if you give her enough rope etc., etc. 😉

I know what this is like and am in a similar situation. I don't know what to do either. Currently I just stay the minimum time and leave early. Not ideal I know.

* just the two of us go for lunch

There are ways to frame this sensitively as Madgran has said or just say ‘could just the two of us for lunch’ etc. And if she suggests Pat should come along say you would rather is just the two of you and don’t feel the necessity to explain further. You have the right to choose your friends and if this Jen is in thrall to Pat let her see her separately.

"Yes I'd love to meet but can we keep it just us two this time. I enjoy your company so much!"