what is this behavior called does it have a name?

Perhaps ( as others have said) your sister, is able to see how best to support her friend, but is too paralysed by fear or emotion to know how to best support her family. It doesn’t sound like she is selfish - or unable to cope with illness or completely impractical.

I can sometimes be like this with my sister. The reason for this is that when she phones all she talks about is her ailments and there are many!! If she asks how I am and I say 'apart from my back I'm great" then she wil respond with 'my back has been ...... without even asking what wrong with my back. She NEVER asks anything about me or my family but continues the conversation by her telling me every single ailment she has and has had in the past months. It's not that she doesn't have anyone to talk to other than me, she has a large family. It can wear a bit thin and I guess I am worn out about it. I am on the other hand very sympathetic to friends and their families.

My late mother could not cope with anyone needing her. She turned her back on relatives and friends who were seriously ill. I could never understand it. It’s as if she was in denial. She turned her back so that others would deal with the situation. She did it with her own mother and with her father in law and mother in law as well as friends. A very odd and disturbing trait. She was all self and everything had to be about her. She never put herself out for anyone.

Smileless2012

I don't think your sister is selfish gigi, if she were she wouldn't have any time for her friend. I agree with those who've said that she is unable to cope with the knowledge that a loved family member is ill and the prospect that they may die.

It's hurtful and disappointing when we feel we're not being supported by those we love and only you can decide if it may be better for you not to share anything to do with your health with her .

Yes, the work around is to not discuss my health or any other problems with her. As hard as that is to do I will do my best! For or me talk is therapy and when someone who you love is not emotionally available it's hard ): But good news is I do have other confidantes that are awesome! Including online forums where the kindness of people you don't know is uplifting and incredibly helpful

I don't think your sister is selfish gigi, if she were she wouldn't have any time for her friend. I agree with those who've said that she is unable to cope with the knowledge that a loved family member is ill and the prospect that they may die.

It's hurtful and disappointing when we feel we're not being supported by those we love and only you can decide if it may be better for you not to share anything to do with your health with her .

I think its called selfish.
People are protective of thor time - understandably, i suppose.
They don't want to get dragged into others' problems, where they may be asked to help out.

OldFrill

I think it's called being blatantly rude. With much bad behaviour a label seems to excuse it, l think your sister's behaviour is inexcusable. She's quite able to demonstrate empathy with friends but not family, maybe she feels being the so-called "saint of the family" will be jeopardised by sick relatives getting more attention than her, so she underplays their illnesses whilst overplaying her saintly behaviour towards friends. What a tangled web she weaves.

I agree.

I think it's called being blatantly rude. With much bad behaviour a label seems to excuse it, l think your sister's behaviour is inexcusable. She's quite able to demonstrate empathy with friends but not family, maybe she feels being the so-called "saint of the family" will be jeopardised by sick relatives getting more attention than her, so she underplays their illnesses whilst overplaying her saintly behaviour towards friends. What a tangled web she weaves.

I have an older sister a bit like this. When she lost her husband we went round all the time helping out with the funeral and the paperwork etc., I even stayed over a few times because she would ring in a panic and I was so worried about her.
Then 18 months ago my DH had a massive stroke which has left him disabled and I have become his full time carer. She hardly ever visited the hospital or when he came home, saying she was really busy with family and friends and was sure we’d get lots of help from the OT and other visiting carers. She only lives a few miles away and my DH now can’t drive and I never learned how to, but she doesn’t ever ask if we need anything dropping off or picked up or if we need a lift somewhere. However, she is a martyr to a friend of hers who recently had a hip operation, telling me how she goes round to her house nearly every day helping out and is so helpful with others.
I have just given up now and can understand your frustration but I think we need to accept our close relatives will not change now and it really is what it is.

I have just met up with a friend who is step-mother to a young woman who has breast cancer.
I thought about this thread when she was telling me that despite the serious illness (she is still having treatment) her own parents and sibling don't seem nearly so concerned or involved with her treatment as she is.
She said her DH asks her, and not his own daughter, how she is doing. I have to conclude that it isn't pure selfishness, or even narcisscism- but something more psychological going on.
In my work I sometimes was invlolved witn children having cancer treatment. It was commonly accepted that parents would often under-invest emotionally in their children and I did find this to be the case.
It also occurs when people are receiving end of life care too, Maybe there is something in human nature that causes us to be this way.

fancythat

I wonder if she is selfish.

And attention seeking.
So when a close family memebr is ill, when the attention is not on her, she freezes them out.
A friend being ill, she is then getting attention herself by being oh so helpful to the friend.

I think you've nailed it! I think she's horrible and selfish, my sister is just like this, no empathy and swans off on holidays and cruises when family are seriously ill. Did stuff all when mum had cancer because her 'voluntary work' was more important. Lip service sympathy expressed.

It's really hurtful that your sister isn't sympathetic or caring.
Maybe ,she can't cope with a close family member being ill .
Is she harbouring doubts about your attitude towards her ?
Can you think of anything?

Or maybe she picks and chooses .

I don't have a sister.
I regarded my neighbour as a friend and the sister that I never had.
Every time,she's had a problem - I listened patiently stopping whatever I was doing. It hadn't always been convenient.
Everytime she was ill -I went over with cards and gifts .
I've massaged away back and leg pain.
I've collected her prescriptions .
I've done her front and back garden .

I thought that she'd do the same for me . How wrong I was.
I was seriously ill just before Christmas and zip from her not even a text .
And yet ,she insisted on taking her new best friend to hospital with a chest infection.
The lady is 30 years younger than me and normally in very good health.
When her daughters were ill - she didn't take them to the doctor and they went alone to the hospital.
She even left one of them with suspected sepsis.

People are people whether they are your sister or not !

I think the same as the other grans she’s probably frightened as you are blood. Friend isn’t, & that’s why she can handle her diagnosis.
My niece has early Huntington’s, her sister is awful with her, but she watched her mum die from this illness & knows what is coming for her sister- think she is in denial.

I wonder if she is selfish.

And attention seeking.
So when a close family memebr is ill, when the attention is not on her, she freezes them out.
A friend being ill, she is then getting attention herself by being oh so helpful to the friend.

I agree with the first few comments, she’s unable to deal with illness with those closest to her. BUT, if it was me, and I had a sister like this, I think, very discreetly I’d try and discuss this with her.

She was needed to help her son, not necessarily just on a practical level, but emotionally.

Anyhow, your call, and I wish you well

SpinDriftCoastal

Your sister sounds like my cousin. She is able to dispense her 'ministries', but is in no way able to come down off her perch. If it does not suit her, she says she is too busy. I am sorry to hear you were not well and hope that you are in a better place now. Please look after yourself and don't give your sister more than lip service. I am sure you have good friends, family, and hobbies that sustain you. They are worth their weight in gold. As someone said to me once: life is too short to waste time on people who don't really bother or on books that are boring!

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

cornergran

Agree. Your sister is using denial. It’s a common protective mechanism, when in place it’s not there to be hurtful to others but to protect the individual from overwhelming feelings. Although I know it’s hard to be with gigi, it might help to think your sister has very strong reactions she can’t cope with, she’s not minimising what close family members are going through. Rather the opposite.

That’s all quite likely, but it doesn’t help the son with an ill wife and newborn does it?
This woman may be surprised that when she’s ill and needs help it won’t be forthcoming.
Do we need a name for everything btw? How about selfish?

Your sister sounds like my cousin. She is able to dispense her 'ministries', but is in no way able to come down off her perch. If it does not suit her, she says she is too busy. I am sorry to hear you were not well and hope that you are in a better place now. Please look after yourself and don't give your sister more than lip service. I am sure you have good friends, family, and hobbies that sustain you. They are worth their weight in gold. As someone said to me once: life is too short to waste time on people who don't really bother or on books that are boring!

Hope you have someone you can talk to, and good luck with your ongoing health issues.

Dont tell her about your health issues that will make her worry. She cant handle it. She loves you.

Thank you all for the best comments! I think you really did get it right and I need to just chill out and realize it's not meant to be hurtful but about her coping mechanism. I appreciate your wisdom but now I feel badly for her that it does all hit harder for her, she's a good sister and we are lucky to have each other. Is there anything I can do to help her?

Triangulation is the name for when someone 'brings in' a third person to sideline their partner or other close person.

It can be by taking the advice of the third party when it is identical to what you have been suggesting. Or buying something they rejected when you said you liked it, because the other person said it. Or mentioning that the other person dislikes something you've just said you do like. There are many ways to do it, but all are deniable and make the partner look jealous or unreasonable.

It is something that a lot of narcissists will do, but I don't think it is exclusive to narcissists. It is also passive aggressive, as it can be denied, and can be done subtly, so any intent to cause hurt is ambiguous.

I don't think any of that necessarily applies to the OP's sister though. I agree that she is likely trying to deny that people she loves are ill.

I agree with above posts.
However, I can see how OP can wonder why these behaviours need to be named.

My ex used to baffle me by forgetting the birthdays of people closest to him, whilst buying flashy presents and being very generous to people who are little more than strangers.

My son has also inherited this characteristic and I just don't get it. It isn't as if these people are even interested and are even sometimes downright embarrassed by it, as even they sense how inappropriate is it.

If anyone else recognises this trait in a family member I would also love to know it isn't just me!

Agree. Your sister is using denial. It’s a common protective mechanism, when in place it’s not there to be hurtful to others but to protect the individual from overwhelming feelings. Although I know it’s hard to be with gigi, it might help to think your sister has very strong reactions she can’t cope with, she’s not minimising what close family members are going through. Rather the opposite.

I was going to say exactly what AuntieE has said.
Your sister can only handle the stress and worry of serious and life-threatening illness among those closest to her by pretending it isn't happening and carrying on as normal. If it has a name, it's called being in denial.