End of 5 year relationship

I don’ t think the age ànd life stage differences are as at the bottom of this, more your decision to cut down on your working hours. Of course if you need professional help you should prioritise
If I may say so you sound sorry for yourself ànd needy and he may feel that this is dragging you both down.
I agree with others that you should park the idea of helping your children with future deposits ànd live in the present.
Perhaps you could send a kind text suggesting a meeting, ànd ifs he agrees don’t šspend the time talking about your own problems.but see whether you can arrive at a compromise about how you spend time together.
Good luck.

As twiglet77 says, you do not need to save for your adult children, they must make their own path now.
That should be one less worry for you.

Plus healthy to start to refer to him as your "ex partner" making it clear to yourself the relationship is in the past.....

OP 15.20 "To the poster who said I have been with sn emotionally unavailable man for 5 years - I could say this is absolutely true. Why I chose him and stayed are another issue which I need to explore".

Fair enough- sounds like the ending should have been sooner perhaps. Healthy to explore why you chose him and why you stayed.

ElaineMcG47 - I am in no position to advice, having put with a philandering husband for 25years.
Good luck with your decision

SporeRB01- 14.45

"LemonJuice- ‘In modern relationship speak you describe your ex partner as "being emotionally unavailable" with regard to your current life stage/stresses/ financial planning/feeling burnt out issues.’

That is the reason for your relationship problems; you have been in a relationship with an ‘emotional unavailable’ man for the last five years. In my opinion, you have made the right decision in ending your relationship. He will never change."

I didnt actually say he was an emotionally unavailable man full stop SporeRB01 in all fairness. We don't know him, and the OP says he used to be reassuring but not emotionally supporting her currently so she decided to end the relationship. We have we heard his experience of his relationship with OP.

Relationships are about 2 people. I don't know if he has all the negative attributes A1 describes as set out in your post. Neither would I venture a view that the reason for OP's relationship problems is entirely because he is an emotionally unavailable man. That seems somewhat harsh. Part of OP's development, as it is for us all when relationships break down is to reflect on our own contributions that lead to relationship difficulties. Then we move on in a healthier way and stronger.

OP describes him as not being emotionally available to support her in the way she wants to be supported currently in relation to her current life stage/stresses/ financial planning/feeling burnt out issues etc. For him as a result of OPs life choices the relationship goal posts have changed because OP wants to change her life now she's reached 60 and feels burnt out. She is not consulting him to male life changes together, it more appears in her post that she is making her life choices independently for her own benefit. OP sets all the things she wants to change in her post in addition to her recent surgery, pain, tearfulness, i.e. her wish to cut down to 3 working days, reduce her income, wants live a frugal life style, and has no pension provision until State pension at 66/7. Additionally she wants to give money to her children for house deposits, yet youngest child only recently finished college and possibly/probably still living at home et . OP says he used to reassure her but currently isn't supporting her emotionally in the way she expects and needs. He wants holidays and meals out and things to be how they used to be. OP has not mentioned how his needs for meals out and holidays can be met if she changes her life style inferring notwithstanding things he says he would like to do she wants to chose a different lifestyle.

There are 2 sides to every relationship story; he may be an emotionally available person generally but at some stage checked out emotionally because his needs weren't being met or won't be met as and when OP changes her life style as planned. He may have all the traits A1 describes, he may not. We just don't know.

I was merely mirroring OP's perspective. She ended the relationship and checked out and it appears her ex partner did too. It's sad but it happens....Op is now free to plan the next stage of her life and look to others for the support she currently needs.

To the poster who said I have been with sn emotionally unavailable man for 5 years - I eould say this is absolutely true. Why I chose him and stayed are another issue which I need to explore.

Hi! All thanks for the replies. I am not prioritising my adult children. My children will never be able to buy a home in Ireland unless they get help with a deposit. They will leave and live abroad which they don't want to do. Housing here is quite a bit more exoebsive than the UK. Most middle class parents in Ireland - nurses, teachers, civil servants traditionally help their children out with house deposits and now more so than ever. I never denied my partner meals out or holidays, we had meals out and holidays and I struggled as a single parent to pay my way with these but always did. I don't want to do this any more. I have travelled a reasonable amount, more than my ex partner has done, and I don't enjoy it anymore. I also don't really enjoy eating out - my hobby is cooking. My passion is gardening, growing my own food and sustainable living.my partner liked occasional gardening.

I think that the issue is what your issues are?
If he wants to go back to " how you were" what was that, how has it changed and what changed it?
How you end it is just window-dressing IMO the point is whether you both want to end it.
If the problem is your prioritising your adult children then both of you either have to compromise or finish it.
Perhaps he's not the partner for you.

LemonJuice
‘In modern relationship speak you describe your ex partner as "being emotionally unavailable" with regard to your current life stage/stresses/ financial planning/feeling burnt out issues.’

That is the reason for your relationship problems; you have been in a relationship with an ‘emotional unavailable’ man for the last five years. In my opinion, you have made the right decision in ending your relationship. He will never change.

According to AI,
Emotionally unavailable men often struggle with intimacy, vulnerability, and consistent communication, creating a "hot and cold" dynamic that leaves partners feeling anxious, confused, and insecure.

They may shy away from deep emotional conversations, avoid long-term commitment, or prioritize their independence above all else.

These behaviours often stem from deep-seated fears, past traumas, or attachment wounds, rather than a lack of affection for their partner.

"if I am upsrt about sinething or tearful. He just checks out - used to reassure but now checks out."

So, him checking out came later. He used to reassure/ comfort you but clearly it didn't work. You reject "meals out and holidays" as ways to relax/ deal with stress.

You've spent decades stressed by the financial support of your children, For the duration of the relationship he's waited patiently for them to finish their education, leave the nest, cut the apron strings .....looking forward to having more time and more fun with you...

But instead, you want to live a frugal lifestyle so you can fund deposits for your children. Dinners and holidays are still not on the agenda with him.

I'm wondering, what 's in this relationship for him? Other than 5 years of listening to your work woes and financial worries and complaints that he's not listening/ not good enough.

To end a 5 year relationship by text, sounds as if HIS feelings and emotions were never even on your radar .

I don't think he'll come back for more of that.

. He's in the prime of life, he should be enjoying it to the full; holidays and meals out and happy plans.

Your adult children can work and save for their own house deposits, you shouldn’t need to support them into adulthood.

If you’ve worked full time for so long, why do you not have a work pension? It has long been a legal requirement for employers to provide a pension scheme.

Sounds like its emotional support predominantly you are looking for at this stressful time for you and your ex partner ddid not meet this need. That suggests your decision to end things was the right decision therefore and you have a clearer perspective what you're looking for in a relationship.

As you describe your circumstances and recent surgery (pain) having an adverse impact on your MH- focus on 2) and reach out to GP, friends, family and loved ones for a listening ear and support. Focus of yourself, your health and well being and healing.

I think you have made a good decision for both of you.
Sometimes we move to different stages of life and relationships of many kinds no longer work, but it takes courage to recognise that.

I do think you sound very stressed and worn out and that this is a time to focus on you and your needs.

You no longer have to consider his wants or needs and your children are now independent adults. For a long time you have had to think of others. Make this your time.

In regard to giving your children money I have always believed that knowing I was independent, happy and provided for was the greatest gift I could give my children as they began their adult lives, free to do whatever they wanted without having to worry about me and how I was managing.

Thanks, Lemonjam. No, I wasn't looking for financial advice and don't need him to help financially. He has always been avoidant of emotional discussions and I would not be a demanding person emotionally. I am not able to share my need to go part time due to burnout or the fact that it is impacting my mental health or to discuss if or how we could manage our different life stages. Recently I had surgery and had to sort an issue with my car out about three days after surgery. The guy on the other end of the phone was so horrible, shouting st me etc over three phone calls, that I burst into tears - I was in a lot of pain post surgery. I rang my partner after work, when I heard his voice I cried. The phone got disconnected - whether it was him or the connection I don't know but he never rang or texted back that whole night or the next day to check oif I was OK or just to reassure me or make his support felt. These are the kind of instances I find difficult. Ptact8cally, mowing my lawn, collecting me from the train station he is great at that stuff.

OP- I was writing m post before having the opportunity to read your 12.23 post...

OP: 'I ended a five year relationship as I felt totally burnt out with life stress and I just could not talk to my partner about my feelings'.

That seems a good enough reason to end your relationship. You are at a different life stage than your ex partner and you have children he doesn't. You are working towards semi retirement and trying to resolve your financial issues/constraints etc. He hasn't reached this stage in life yet and may have no such financial problems.

OP- " so I texted him to say the relationship was not working for me and I thought we should end it. He texted back that he it was heartbreaking and he would always love me and he had just thought that over tine things would go back to the way we were".

You chose to text to end the relationship and in your own words "I just could not talk to my partner about my feelings". In my experience text communication is never helpful in such circumstances but it's done now. In modern relationship speak you describe your ex partner as "being emotionally unavailable" with regard to your current life stage/stresses/ financial planning/feeling burnt out issues . His perspective he cares about you but had been hoping, for some time, things would go back to how you were as a couple before you reached your current burnt out, stressful stage in your life.

I'n not really sure what you were expecting/hoping for from your partner when together? To listen to all your stresses ( if you were able to talk about them) and offer emotional support? if so you've known him for 5 years- does he consistently do that or not- as he's unlikely to change if this is not how he is. Or are you expecting him to give you financial advice? Perhaps therefore ask someone else for financial advice, e.g. CAB and take this expectation/burden off him. Were you expecting him to offer you financial support as you cut down your hours, experience financial difficulties? If so is this a fair expectation as you are not married and don't live together? If I'm not clear what it was you wanted/expected of him maybe he was not clear either.

I don't know either of you but that seems to be the nub of it- you can't go backwards, he has not caught up to your burnt out stressed, stage of life and neither of you had been meeting each other's expectations. Options-
1) accept the consequences of your decision to text him to end the relationship with good grace.
2) seek support and/or counselling to help you deal with your stresses and burn out so you can sort out all your issues
3) decide if you miss him, think that you made a rash/wrong decision to end the relationship and want to try and get him back.
4) If the answer to 3) is yes- have an honest conversation with yourself would you be able to accept him as he is and be happy in a relationship where he continues to behave as he is,

If its 3) work on 2) and 4) first so there is more of you and a more positive and realistic you to bring to a relationship and then decide what to do next.....

Good luck 💐

Thanks for all the replies. Re asking him fir help financially. I am totally independent g8nancially and have never or woukd never expect him to help me put financially. We live separately and both own our iwn houses. The tears from me weren't in relation to the ending of the relationshi9 but in relation to stressful issues at work and suffering burnout. Agreed age disparity can be an issue and I an abut to retire. It's nor al about money for me but I have worked on the front line in healtcare for 35 years and full time for 25 years and I.am totally exhausted and want to retire and live a frugal and sustainable lifestyle where the max I need to work until I get my State pension is 2 days per week.

Men being unable to deal with others who are “upset and tearful” is not uncommon. Maybe it has always been an effort for him to do so. After five years, he has decided he is not even going to try. It isn't really any different to the many pretences that people do in the early part of a relationship and then fall back into ways they feel more comfortable with, good or bad

This just happens to coincide with you feeling uncertain about your financial future and needing to talk about it … but really what it is that you are expecting from him and why the tears?

It doesn’t sound as though you live together and each have your own homes to maintain. Are you expecting him to help you financially if you struggle? That could be at the root of this. You may not be thinking that but have you made that clear? He might think you are expecting him to help your children out in the way that you have described.

He is only 52 and still wants a full life while you are winding down towards semi retirement. Perhaps he was hoping that less work would mean more leisure time but all you are thinking about is money.

This kind of thing is always going to be an issue when there is an age disparity and independent income disparity.

You need to talk about this calmly as adults and not resort to text messaging … and do it without the tears. Figure out exactly what it is that you do want from him and discover what he wants from you. If the two don’t match and you can’t find a compromise then call it a day or remain friends with benefits.

Sometimes we do just have to accept that relationships have a shelf life, a best before date after which it's best to say goodbye.

I will need for next 6 years to top up my part time income as well as if I can eventually help my children out with a deposit for a house.

I think you should not be doing this if it impacts on your life as you reach retirement.
All very well if you have surplus income or plenty of savings.

I would have hated my parents helping me in this way if they were in your situation.

We were OK renting (for years) - we had a very modest income - but would not have wanted our parents to sacrifice their life for us to buy a house!

It does sound that you both have different priorities in life which will add to the problems so it is not unreasonable for you to end this relationship. Him wanting meals out and holidays is not out of order as that is not unusual.
You have supported your children through college but hopefully once this is done they will support themselves.

The fact that you are clearly upset at his not getting back to you means this us unfinished business.

You have made your decision, stick to it.
He hasn't responded, be happy about that.
I wish you well.

I didn't just dump him by text. I had spent the previous month saying I was unsure about the relationshio and I needed to talk to him and coukd we tal - these were all in person conversations, but he wouldn't discuss anything.

So you dumped him by text? Irrespective of whether you thought he would close down for the discussion, I think after a 5 year relationship you owed him a little more. I’m not surprised that he hasn’t come back to you.