Women leaving partners after retirement

It has a trendy name, Gray Divorce.

Since my own children are now adults and my husband is on the verge of retirement. I can see how it happens. It is a huge adjustment.

www.npr.org/2025/08/21/nx-s1-5507175/whats-behind-the-trend-of-so-called-gray-divorces

Nanny27

I don't think it's brave to walk out on your marriage unless of course there has been abuse. Retirement is a huge milestone in a man's life and maybe support is what's needed.

Wow. That statement carries a lot of hidden assumptions. It pretends complexity doesn’t exist. It assigns gendered duty and mistakes endurance for bravery. I don't for one moment think you meant to be cruel but that is how it sounds. Did you really mean to say "stay unless someone is hitting you"?

That should say I hope you are settled and happy now !

@Isla71 that must have been a terrible shock . I hope your treatment is are happy and settled now .

Theworriedwell. Not in my case. Former husband had everything planned, and probably had for some years whilst we were both working. Put the house up for sale at late retirement in our 70s and, at exchange of contracts, he said we couldn't live together. Actually, he said a lot more. I have had a few years to reflect. Although I worked full time, he came first and I thought I was loyal and supportive so that he could concentrate on his career. He literally controlled everything throughout the marriage - except for the cooking, housework and child care. It actually helps putting this down in writing. Thank you to anyone reading or commenting. Good luck and best wishes to those going out on their own in later life.

SORES

Nanny27, the fifties are well behind us.

Not sure what you mean by this Sores. Surely you can’t mean that it’s an old fashioned concept for a married couple to support each other through difficult times.

Youngerthanspringtime I'm not in the least surprised when women make the break, I'm more surprised that more don't. Sometimes they stay to keep face or sometimes don't know how to go about it.

Agreed. No surprise here, I'd not want to live in an unhappy home.

I also think finances play a part. If there's not enough split equity from a house sale then some can't afford to buy again. Because you then have those funds you can't get a council place either and the cost of renting can swallow up the monthly pension.

I'm not in this situation, having been divorced for many years.
After some toing and froing I finally made the decision.
However this is not about me, it's about the situation.
I'm not in the least surprised when women make the break, I'm more surprised that more don't. Sometimes they stay to keep face or sometimes don't know how to go about it. I have one friend whose husband, were he mine I would have left many years ago. Fear of the unknown plays a part I think.

Peaseblossom I'm so glad that you found the courage back then. I hope your experience can inspire others.

Nik1ta

Experience and raised consciousness: perhaps; wisdom? Cynicism and over simplification combined with sweeping generalisations: definitely!
Woke? I can only wonder what the posts would have been had the op been men complaining about their wives after retirement.🤔

That would be fascinating. If they could just get off the settee to do it.

Seriously tho, it would be interesting to hear tho upthread David made the point very well about his fello0w blokes just not "getting it"

my second marriage (first one ended amicably recognising a difference in needs and that it was best to separate):

was co-ercive; but that only became clear after we did actually marry and got a house together as opposed to being partners living apart

It was like the old thing about once they get their knees under the dining table partly and he started to get more and more controlling and lazy, a different person appeared, sadly.

Partly due to a MH condition he hadn't owned up to.

Very manic, psychotic, wouldn't take the drugs, raid on any money we had, arrogant, "I can say what I want to MY wife in MY house" and raiding any pot of money we had (not a lot)" put downs to any opinions I had or music I wanted to listen to or go out without him at all or have friends for myself.......

Its the first time really since my 20's that I have not lived with a man or thought that was The Answer but am learning to enjoy this ability to do what I want when I want incredible as gain confidence.

I don’t know anyone who’s actually left, but I do know a couple who’ve been utterly fed up with him either around the house all day, every day, or b) him expecting to do everything together, shopping, walks, all outings - never having time on her own. In other words, apparently incapable of amusing himself at all.

Experience and raised consciousness: perhaps; wisdom? Cynicism and over simplification combined with sweeping generalisations: definitely!
Woke? I can only wonder what the posts would have been had the op been men complaining about their wives after retirement.🤔

I've been divorced for some years now, but when still married, with primary school aged children, I got a taste of what retirement would be like when my ex was at home for a few days while off sick. Once he was up and about he asked me that morning "What will we have for lunch?" It was a Thursday so I informed him that I wouldn't be there as Thursday was my busiest day. After dropping the children at school I had a meeting followed by some volunteering I did. After that I'd do the grocery shopping and call in a local shop to buy something for a very late lunch on the way to pick up the children - the main reason my car was always full of crumbs! I suggested he made himself a sandwich. I was a stay-at-home-mum so he assumed I spent my days in front of the TV! Once the children were a bit older I went back to work, initially part-time, then full time until I retired.
He eventually traded me in for a younger model so he is someone else's problem. I still have a busy life since retiring and am out somewhere most days, either in the daytime or the evening and sometimes both. I volunteer, attend social things, church activities and a number of craft groups.
Don't get me wrong - some days I watch quite a bit of TV - but I don't have to make anyone's lunch and if I'm not hungry I don't even have to make my own! I'm certainly happier on my own so I can certainly understand why this happens.

Of course, some people think they have retired but then circumstances change.

I think life is a lot more complicated than the stereotype of a self absorbed man and his golf clubs.

sixandahalf

" Men are so clueless" Really? All of them?

Maybe I should have wrote many men are clueless they continue their own social life, golf, football, gym, cycling, workaholics or whatever, leaving their wives at home bored, they can get away with it when the kids are at home.
When the children have flown the nest life changes, a couple just have each other, women want to do things they couldnt do when the kids were young. Unless men change with them the risk of divorce is high, the need for common interests is more than ever.
Many women have had a career and have a pension, they are not happy being a dogsbody so wake up guys.

Nanny123

As much as I love my hubby now he is retired I am struggling. He never stops me doing anything but I do miss having time to myself at home..he doesn’t go out much and just wants to watch the telly all day. I miss having friends over for lunch too - he never seems to want to do anything

Yep! and he has a go at me if I go out, and if I am a bit later than I said coming back.
And having never done any cooking, cleaning, laundry or running around after the kids, looking after HIS mum, now he is instructing me on better ways of doing things.

I would not part with him, but I do wish he would go out and find something to do with himself other than watch repeats all the time.
I must admit to being a bit evil lately by telling him what the programme that he expects me to sit and watch for the 3rd or 4th time is about and how it ends - especially when it is a cowboy film.

My husband retired 3 years ago. Was worked from home and still do. We have been married 20 years. For many years retirement was an ambition for his 66th birthday. He has decided he will cook, wash, do the dishes etc on the days I work (3). He has taken over these tasks without being asked. You might think this is great. It's helpful but I feel like he has taken my life away. Besides this he sits and reads, scrolls, does sudoku, has some airbus models and watches tv. He does the shopping and goes to a local cafe for a coffee while out. You might wonder what the problem is? I get no time for myself at all. He doesn't want to volunteer etc etc. Wr are short of money but he won't consider a few hours somewhere and doesn't like if I do extra hours as it messes with the rent from UC! He has no external friends but likes when we meet mine. I want him to have a life besides being with me 24/7.

I love my DH of 45 years..he is a sweetheart and I know he adores me.
He buys food I like, brings me breakfast in bed every day, buys flowers and treats and is the best Dad to our children and grandkids.
However, since he retired 8 years ago and I am still working a little, he does drive me mad.
He has always been messy , like his mum .
I'm tidy .
I now find I can spend a day following him round the house cleaning up his constant mess .
Coffee cups, mud from shoes he can't ever change at the door, clothes on floor, newspaper, biscuit wrappers etc just left lying .
He cooks when I am at work. .. so I come home and wipe the mess off the worktop, clean veg peeling out of the sink.

I can go on and on
Asking him to try and be tidier fails miserably.
I have had to suck it up,as they say.
Don't want to not share my life with him but I find his mess so very difficult

" Men are so clueless" Really? All of them?

theworriedwell

SORES

or possibly wisdom, experience, cynicism and enlightenment, mixed with a raised consciousness?

as opposed to a lazy stereotypical wokism?

added here, a massive eye roll

Why wait till he retires? If it's that bad surely you'd have gone years before.

you are moving this thread sideways into a different discussion altogether!
besides which I was responding specifically to Nik1ta.

On checking, I neglected to say so on my post, sorry!

Unfortunately my husband died while we were both in our fifties. We both worked full time on shifts so sometimes had weeks where we were ‘ ships that passed in the night’ . When we weren’t working we did everything together and he was very strange that he loved shopping 😂. He also thought nothing of driving 100 miles after work to take our son and his family out for tea . I think retirement would have been ok for us .

theworriedwell

I knew a couple where he got home on the day he retired to find his bags packed. I still think money motivates some, his income drops so he's out. Let's not pretend men are always the baddies and women are as pure as the driven snow.

I've never heard of this, but I've heard of plenty of unhappy women whose husbands seem to think their wives will just carry on doing all the housework after they've retired, while they play golf 5x a week or go drinking with their mates or watch TV all day.

I have seen many couples plod along , but living more and more their own lives . Often the wife has worked part time, to suit family needs. As the children have grown, she has had chance to branch out , follow her interests, and develop friendships and work round to be able to fit in her interests, driving herself around. Then husband retires, having given most of his attention over the years to his work and colleagues. Can have moved to a higher level. Once retired, does not know what to do with himself. Expects his wife to now spend all her time with him, give up her routines totally, and now run her life round him. If they had a good relationship, then they could negotiate ways to accommodate each other, but if he thinks that she is going to give her hard won life and friends and hasn't made any attempt to think ahead or talk about the change in their lives, it may be the final straw. When you have put the family first for years, and then see that he expects to do as he pleases, not make any effort to share chores, you think it is time that I did something I want to with my life. Usually when they make no effort to do anything , ask what is for dinner etc, you think that is enough. No wonder.

Belardo Well said. I totally agree with you. In fact it was said to me years ago by a woman I knew whose husband had just retired. She said he was driving her mad and getting under her feet. I split up with my husband, it will be 30 years in June. I have never regretted it. I was 44. The thought of spending the rest of my life with someone who spoke to me like dirt, well it just wasn't going to happen. People had noticed how he treated me. I would have left before, but for the children. All the "you're the only one I've every loved, or will love" etc. wasn't enough to make me stay.