Do nothing. It’s not your marriage. Stay out of their business. If my mother or mother in law had poked her nose into my marriage I’d have got rid of her PDQ.
Grandson of New Limerick (Son of New Limerick contd.)
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Advice re: adult son possibly straying from marriage
(37 Posts)Advice re: adult son possibly straying from marriage of 20 years
This is my first post on Gransnet and I am not sure if this is the correct place to be writing about this but I've decided to give it a go. My son (46M) and his wife (45F) have been married for 20 years, and have two children. Both girls (14 and 13 years old). I have always gotten the sense they are perfectly suited for one another. He is a quiet person, she is more vibrant. He is a creative, she is more practical. They fill in each other's gaps.
Since my DH's death, I have been living with them. I try not to intrude or make a nuisance of myself, seeing as I can do most things on my own (besides driving, which both my son and DIL take upon them when they can), but it has been a blessing to be around my grandchildren, watching them flourish and grow into bright, beautiful young women. Caring, too.
Now, my son is the kind of person who has always been hard to get a read on, certainly compared to his brothers. But... I'm his mother, and I know my child. I KNOW something is off. I first noticed around two months ago that he has been working more, hours and hours over-time. Nothing all that unusual, as he is a dedicated and serious person to begin with, but I think he has been using that as an excuse to avoid coming home. He was always the kind of man to race home at 5pm on the dot to see his girls, but now he is home at 8, 9, sometimes 10pm. I have asked him why, and he just says that "work has been hectic." DIL has spoken with me about it, as well, and seems unconcerned. I feel she would confide in me, as her and I have a good, warm relationship. I trust her with all that I have, and I would wager she trusts me in the same way.
The working late, that isn't what makes me most worried. It's the fact that he is being very secretive about certain things. A package arrived at their home about a week or two ago, addressed to him from a company that sells women's jewellery (I Googled the name on the box). I walked in on him with it in his hands, and he got visibly nervous, fumbled with it, and quickly tucked the box away inside his work-bag. I figured he had bought something for DIL as a surprise and that was the end of that. Another thing that has kind of fallen into place is his phone. He was always the type to leave it lying around carelessly, but now it is always in his pocket, screen-down on the table. He takes it with him wherever he goes now, even to the bathroom, and more than once have I watched him quickly turn it away or exit out of an app of some kind as I've walked into a room.
I know that these things could be completely innocent. To be completely honest, I didn't think about all of that much until this past Monday, when I went into the kitchen late at night to get a glass of water and heard him on the telephone with someone. Everyone in the house was asleep, so I suppose he thought he thought he had a moment of privacy. Now I couldn't hear the person on the other end of the line, only my son's replies. This is what I remember: "I am sorry for putting you through this", "I promise you that everything is going to be fine", "I can't explain everything now, but soon, I promise", "I love you too", "No, no, don't cry." He said something about or to a dog, too, I suspect, a "good girl". I didn't linger, I left as quietly as I could. I have been in a state of shock since then, and feel like I am living with a ghost. I have not felt this terrible since my husband was diagnosed, just sitting on this piece of information that may or may not mean anything at all, but terrifies me. It is eating me up inside.
Never interfere in another couples relationship, you will not be thanked for it.
Your son and DIL need to sort this out themselves if there are issues and you should not be involved.
Get on with your life as if you had heard nothing, go out see friends, join clubs, take the grandchildren out and put what you heard behind you.
That is what I would advice.
My knee jerk reaction is to advise you to stay out of their marriage.
We have great inner radar and from what you describe your son might be having or about to have an affair .
Or maybe not .
Death of his father might have sent him into a mid -life crisis .
He might wonder how much longer have I got and is this it ?
I hate to write it,but does he feel a bit crowded out in his house ?
Or hasn't really adjusted to it .
I'm making these comments due to past experiences .
I know of a man who had a perfectly nice im fact beautiful wife ,but after the death of his parents -he went into a blind panic .
Hurtling towards 50 he embarked on an ill-advised relationship and destroyed the family.
One of my friends invited her mother to live with her family .
She took up the studio ,which was her husband's essential den .
He ,admittedly is a selfish man,but the den into which he escaped .
My friend was happy to go to work and very
content to return to a gleaming house and hot supper-he was not .
Her mother talked non - stop and was omnipresent .I've met her and I found her opinionated .
Their sex life , became non - existent.
Sensing his growing unhappiness my friend persuaded him to take a degree .
He met a mature student.
They had a passionate heady affair and it nearly destroyed their marriage.
It nearly resulted in her suicide.
I'd give them both as .much space as possible.
They have to work it out for themselves painful as it might be to watch .
Norah
Say nothing, do nothing, you actually know nothing.
This with knobs on!
Oooh boy well, just the work stuff along, the excuses based off that is a huge red flag. This has happened to my family, so I know.
Your suspicions are most likely correct.
However, here is what I learned. If it's simply an affair, it's not the end of the world. Those burn out. If he's planning on leaving, that's the heartache.. but either way, you cannot stop it or do anything about it short of finding out who it is and having them wacked hahaa.
I mean, nothing you say or do will fix it.
Even if you have a good relationship with your son, this could be where you might severe it. If he is determined to do what he wants, he will resent anyone who gets in his way. Passion and excitement are powerful forces.
Just hope he decides to stay with his wife.
But realize, although it would be sad, at least the kids are older, so not only did they have their whole childhoods with their parents, but they also are old enough to understand this was dad's choice and not a reflection on them either.
My son in law left my daughter, while she was pregnant with kid #2, because he felt old and decided to be with a young girl at his workplace who's dad had recently left her and her mom as well for a younger woman!
It's been devastating to say the least, has effected our relationship because my daughter was so miserable and has become a bitter person. A chunk of her heart and soul was torn out from her.
That young girl had no conscience, despite knowing what it feels like. But, she did have her parents together until she graduated high school, whearas she's caused my grandson to see his dad move out only at age 3 and he has had behavioral problems ever since.
My son in law is a self serving jerk. I always suspected that but my daughter convinced me he was better than most men, Well, there went that idea.
So realize, you can't stop it if it is happening already, it's too late. Do not get involved, all that causes is resentment and guilt. You have to be neutral.
I actually feel you are lucky; like I said, at least childhoods were not ruined and family has been together for a long time.
It will suck, but it's not the worst thing that could happen. And who knows, maybe just staying silent will actually help because if the affair blows over, family remains intact.
No matter, we parents do not have the power to stop our children's relationship heartache, that power is in other's hands.
We should only be there to help them through it.
petra
I’m wondering what fool has jewellery delivered to his own house when it’s for his secret squeeze.
If you had not been there, his wife might well have picked the package up and enquired.
The main thing is to do nothing and if something is happening, when it doess happen stay strictly neutral. Take no sides, neither support nor attack your son and the same with his wife.
Everyone would agree that you are in a difficult situation at the moment. Take the advice of the three wise monkeys. See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. It may not be easy, you may get drawn in despite all, but those three maxima are your best strategy for deaaling with this tricky problem.
It must be very hard having these suspicions which, if they proved right, could ultimately perhaps lead to a break up of the family and potentially the loss of your home, so I see where you are coming from. But they are just suspicions. Say nothing. I hope your fears are unfounded. Fill your life with your own interests.
CrazyH I m like you love my children as much as anyone can, but wouldn’t live with any of them nor could they live with me
Misscrappy (strange name) you are letting this run away with you in your imagination You have no real proof there is anything wrong and if you weren’t all in the same house you d have no idea of it at all
Forget it, stop looking for clues and let everyone get on with their own lives
Speaking from my own experience as both a divorced woman and the parent of a child going through a divorce I would suggest that the very last person someone in this situation would open up to is a parent.
So many emotions come into play - humiliation, failure, disappointing your parents, embarassment, being judged.
I honestly would sit tight and be there if/when your son needs your support.
If there is something going on in is most
definitely not your fault! So please get that out of your head.
In your position I would leave well alone, if you did not live there you would be unaware of what may be happening. The last thing you want is to get across with your son . I understand how you feel but I really would keep your suspicions your yourself. If he is having an affair your DIL may have her own suspicions too . Watch and wait is my advice.
You are lucky that your son and d.i.l. are willing to share their home with you. I have 3 children, but I’m sure none of them would have me live with them. Neither would I want to, as I like my own space
So, keep your counsel. Don’t upset what seems like a great inter-relationship.
I once suspected the same with my youngest son. I saw him driving out of his ex-girl friend’s house. I have never mentioned it to anyone till today.
He was happily married at the time and is still happily married.
His visit to his ex gf, could have a very innocent reason.
Not your circus, not your monkeys, not your marriage
information that may or may not mean anything at all this is the crux of the matter isn't it misscrappy, you don't know so my advice is to leave well alone until you do.
A package arrived at their home about a week or two ago, addressed to him from a company that sells women's jewellery (I Googled the name on the box)
Your Christmas present.
Why did you google the name of the package to find out what it was?
You eavesdropped on his telephone call, rather than making your presence known immediately.
You are watching his behaviour with his phone.
They have taken you in and you are betraying their trust.
You should not say anything to anyone, certainly not on social media, and not to them.
I agree with all the posters who say say or do nothing.
impersonate an ostrich
Good idea.
Say nothing, do nothing, you actually know nothing.
Agree with everyone saying to keep quiet. Even when or if something comes up, say nothing about what you saw or heard.
Don't do or say anything. If there is something in the wind, then it will appear in its own good time. Think abut the effect your intercepting could cause. I would be livid if my MIL said anything and would feel she was interfering. Keep an eye out for the children and for the roof over your head. Could that be at risk? You must look out for yourself . The couple will work out what they need to, if they need to.
Say and do nothing. You can't fix this for either of them.
If there is something going on, then anything you say to either DS or DIL can only make a bad situation worse.
If you speak to him, that stress /shame/guilt could precipitate a showdown in which he leaves his family for the OW.
If you speak to IL, either she already knows (but chooses discretion and privacy) , or if she doesn't know, her life crashes round her ears and precipitates a showdown which blows the marriage apart and he leaves.
Just leave it alone. It's possible DS and DIL are both hanging on to their marriage/family by a thread, trying to repair it without anybody else ever finding out.
missscrappy
I have had a lot of doubts re living with them by the way... I worried I would become an overbearing, meddlesome old woman or be seen as such. The kids persuaded me... I do hope I am not at the roots of possible issues.I wouldn't forgive myself if whatever is going on, is my fault. Or if I played any part.
This is why it is important to keep your thoughts to yourself, difficult though it is.
Having plenty of interests of your own outside the home might put things in a less anxious perspective for you.
I have had a lot of doubts re living with them by the way... I worried I would become an overbearing, meddlesome old woman or be seen as such. The kids persuaded me... I do hope I am not at the roots of possible issues.I wouldn't forgive myself if whatever is going on, is my fault. Or if I played any part.
I thought I had written about it in the original post, but I am living with them for financial reasons. Besides that, I have made a few falls in the past year, and my son worries I will make a bad fall and have no one to help me. Living with them, there is someone at home with me at nearly all times.
Please don't interfere. If you were not living with them you would be none the wiser would you?
There are lots of things that maybe going on here-your son may be having an affair that has been going on for some time, or it may be something that has only recently begun.
Either way the relationship is not your affair, much as you love your family you can't shield them from things that happen.
It is possible DIL is aware of her DH's infidelity and therefore would be best for her to come to you if she felt the need to confide in you. Otherwise say nothing.
It may be the affair, it is is one, may come to an end anyway, or maybe the marriage will end whatever happens.
We shouldn't make assumption about other people's relationships, even those of our own children- maybe especially so.
Keep quiet.
In addition I would ask why it is your live with them? Maybe your presence is causing tensions you aren't picking up on? Is there any way you can move out and afford them a bit of privacy?
I’m wondering what fool has jewellery delivered to his own house when it’s for his secret squeeze.
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