Ruby wedding anniversary

Harris27

Poppy red so sorry you have lost your husband x thinking of you x

Thank you.

Last update. Thank you all again for bothering to respond, it’s good to hear other perspectives certainly plenty of things to think about.
He’s not a mean or inconsiderate man generally - he told me to leave the cases till he got back and he’d sort them but I wanted to get the washing on and sort things out as I was back at work on Monday so I was being unfair to criticise him about that.

He goes out once or twice a week to a small local pub where he meets several of his friends. He likes a drink but very rarely gets drunk. He is a keen photographer and spends time out doing that then time on his computer editing. His life is quite full without being overwhelmed usually but at the moment he’s not happy.
The situation with his dad is getting worse and it’s definitely causing him stress and worry but he’s not doing it alone - he has me and our daughter helping too. He’s angry with his step mother and step sister but that’s a whole other story.
The bottom line is that he’s finding things difficult at the moment and he has nowhere else to vent his anger and frustration other than on me. He offloads often so hasn’t any problems with talking about his feelings but he does have a problem with allowing things to become big issues rather than letting them go.
I had hoped our trip to Scotland would have helped him relax despite the weather - we were staying at a 5* hotel resort in a large lodge so there was no pressure to do anything but relax but clearly he wasn’t in the right mood to do that.
We went out to eat last night but it wasn’t a great success but again he offloaded about his dad so it wasn’t much fun.
I’m over it all now and won’t be making any plans for future anniversary milestones and I’ll continue to be as supportive as I can be and hope that he will find a way to deal with his dad.
Thanks again for listening and offering advice

I might well have either left the unpacking, or just done my own and left his. He is taking you for granted. Go out for a coffee with friends and stay out for hours, especially if he is expecting you to make a meal.

Poppyred

My husband died very suddenly 5 weeks ago leaving many things unsaid. Wish we had talked more…….🥹

Sad for you.

Men are not that good at talking generally so think about the little things you and he did that did not need words.

Poppy red so sorry you have lost your husband x thinking of you x

Poor you - this didn’t go as you hoped did it? You’d made a big emotional investment but perhaps there were indications beforehand that things might not be great?

It sounds like DH wasn’t in the mood for the trip. I don’t get the sense that he was much involved in the planning? Problems with his own dad plus post-retirement issues might be making him feel that it’s all downhill from now on. And a rainy trip to Scotland might not have improved matters.

Could you have gone to the pub with him? More fun than unpacking surely and a better way to spend the remainder of your anniversary? Perhaps the cases could have waited?

I get that you are disappointed, but you have a chance to recover things on the next trip. Chin up - put this down to experience and have a lovely time together in Marrakesh. Perhaps some good quality ‘couple’ time will help him look forwards more positively?

As it clearly makes you happy to think that, I shall leave you to it! I used to look out for your posts - they were interesting and you seemed nice. Something changed.

Oh are you the judge of that? Did you apply for the position or did you just decide that you'd take up the post?

She directed the comments to me not you and it was snippy.

theworriedwell

She was snippy to me, if you can't take it don't dish it out.

No, she wasn’t!

eazybee

The thing that struck me was that he got out at the pub and left you to empty the car, struggle in the pouring rain with suitcases, unpack, and no doubt do the washing, while he got drunk.
Crass.
You have to address it.

Absolutely! I would have been livid, (not that my lovely husband would have dreamt of doing that, even if it hadn’t been raining). Not just my good luck, just his common decency.
Not my business I know, but I think a serious look at your marriage is called for. What he did was thoughtless, unkind and downright nasty. How can he live with himself? You have my sympathy!

She was snippy to me, if you can't take it don't dish it out.

Theworriedwell - are you always so snippy? The response to Sago wasn’t nice and wasn’t deserved.

My thoughts on the matter are this. Could you firstly , try to calmly remember what annoyed you the most, were you already upset by his behaviour previously, or had he already changed a bit lately if you look back on it. Then do you know a trusted friend of his who might be able to find out from him, what if anything special is worrying him. The problems with his father may actually just be hitting home, and he could be worried that he will be in the same state, and feel angry or upset at how life is. So there could be a mix of things, but once you have some idea of what matters the most to you, perhaps you then could find a time to talk to him and explain why a specific thing upset you, or if he had changed from his normal pattern ask what had changed for him. You know what kind of person he is, and so possibly would it be better for you to set it out in a sort of letter, rather than start to ask him questions and then get angry, if your main wish is to find out why he behaved so, and if there is some way you can both connect and find ways to still please each other. To leave you to do all the sorting out and come home drunk is not a decent thing to do, and I can understand your upset, but if your aim is not to have a repeat of this kind of situation then you need to get to the bottom of it, and then you will be able to decide what happens next. Wishing you well

This is not normal. At least not my normal. We had parties for 25, 40 and 50 anniversaries. But the point is, it wasn't one-sided. We talked about it and planned what we wanted to do. Communication is key.

Seems you place much more importance on such occasions than your husbsnd given his history over the years. Why do you persist in organising events when it's obvious your DH isn't interested.

NotSpaghetti

*Poppyred*, so sorry your husband has died.

Thinking of you.
...and a reminder to all of us to talk more to those we love.
X

Thank you NotSpaghetti xx

I'm afraid it is me who isn't bothered about anniversaries (birthdau seem to be more important though less so nowadays). DH likes to make something of anniversaries but I'd rather that he took some notice of me the rest of the year.

We've been married 41 years, hubby has never remembered without prompting. We've never done anything special for anniversaries but a card would be nice.

I also think that your husband is depressed and frankly-worryingly so.
Some,indeed most men aren't that good at sharing their feelings . It's not a masculine thing to do.
He's probably depressed about his father and wonders how he'll be at the same age.
He might be hating retirement -he hasn't developed any interests nor hobbies.
Maybe he doesn't have a network of friends.
Perhaps he's not fulfilled his dreams and aspirations.
Perhaps he's concerned about his health.
I hate to mention it,but how is your sex life?
I ask this,because when things go wrong most men feel embarrassed to talk about it and don't want to visit a doctor.

Whatever you do - go carefully.

Please don't do what two of my friends have done :
Unhappy at home with her grumpy husband - one moved out of their bedroom and spent all day doing voluntary work and hanging out with a younger man,who was helping her.
Her husband left then divorced her and now she's having to sell their house.

The other friend has always been the most appalling nag.About a decade ago,her husband lost interest in her sexually and her solution was to seek solace with friends.
She's never at home in the evenings nor at weekends and goes on holiday with them.
I can see him leaving.

I'm wishing you lots of luck with your problem and I hope that it resolves itself.

Poppyred, so sorry your husband has died.

Thinking of you.
...and a reminder to all of us to talk more to those we love.
X

I'm not sure I agree M0nica. It seems to me that he's just not thinking about the OPs perspective and may be wondering what's wrong with her. There have been times when I've been in a similar situation but if I actually explain why I was feeling like I was it was a light bulb moment for DH. He just hadn't thought! Men!

Does he get drunk regularly? if not he is a very unhappy man, who doesn't know how to talk about things.

Women tend to talk to friends and family and seek help verbally when life is distressing, men do not, they are unable to express themselves and usually retreat to drink or affairs.

Oddly enough there are a lot of women on this thread reacting as if they were a man.

Sago

I think your husband is either depressed or a miserable old…..

I wouldn’t be approaching this gently, I would be going in all guns blazing.

theworriedwell I don’t think the OP was asking what we all did for our anniversaries.

I wasn't asking for your advice.

The thing that struck me was that he got out at the pub and left you to empty the car, struggle in the pouring rain with suitcases, unpack, and no doubt do the washing, while he got drunk.
Crass.
You have to address it.

My husband died very suddenly 5 weeks ago leaving many things unsaid. Wish we had talked more…….🥹