Apparently, I don't give emotional support

I have an identical problem with my youngest daughter she also acknowledged my huge amount of practical and financial help given! But says I have always failed to support her emotionally and that she has to turn to friends for this! I am a practical problem solver by nature and look first for a solution to a problem or at least something that can move things forward rather than wallowing in a mire of despond! I can see the need for some time to reflect on and process emotions, but it seems that I don’t spend enough time on that for her liking.
My own mother didnt spend much time discussing feelings and her support was practical and financial so I guess this seems normal to me however this generation seem to be much more obsessed with emotions and I would say are not inclined to give their parents generation any slack for the different styles of parenting that we thought were normal.
I feel it is grossly unfair to judge previous generations of parents by today’s standards and values of parenting when so much more is now known about child development, and mental health and there’s so much more easy access to information online then we were privy to.

Lahlah65

What a wise and generous set of people here.
M0nica - ‘Daughters in particular are really good in knowing exactly what tactic will take their mothers out at the knees.

As for the practical support v emotional support conundrum. Practical support is emotional support. It is showing you care for someone but doing practical things to support them.

Parents, especially mothers are often set up to fail by daughters. I always say that a mother’s place is in the wrong, and there is a lot of truth in it.’

Not just daughters - DH’s sons do this to him too. Never slow to get on the phone when they need help of some kind though. They seem to think that they can say pretty much what they like, but we have to be super careful about anything that’s taken to be critical or insufficiently sympathetic. They seem to like nothing more than an excuse reminding him that he was a less than perfect dad when they were young. It takes him out at the knees too, and it’s distressing to see this happen to him. I don’t think it’s really going to change now - I think it’s a pattern of behaviour that’s quite ingrained. They just don’t cut him any slack or acknowledge that he loves them and has their best interests at heart, rather than looking for the negative in every comment. That’s why I really liked Retread’s response too.

And I’ve recently been accused by my mother of being unsympathetic, in spite of providing lots of practical support to her. But like Not Spaghetti, I think I may often jump in to try to find practical solutions, when she just needs someone to listen. Trying to get better at listening and sympathising. And will now remind myself that’s a practical thing to do too. I’m always more of a doer than a sitter, but trying to be better at this.

We are never too old to learn are we, and all still ‘work-in-progress’!

Warm thoughts to you TheatreLover - so pleased that you’ve had a lovely time with your grandchildren at least. They do lift our spirits, don’t they?

Yes, you're right. Our grandchildren do lift our spirits. I find them such fun. My DD's toddler is my youngest grandchild and he's delightful, and such fun to be with.

I also picked up on M0nica's comment about daughters in particular knowing exactly what tactic will take their mothers out at the knees. I have sons as well, without all this angst, but I guess we are all different. I am going to try to take the advice to listen and sympathise more.

Caleo

It is unfair of your daughter to accuse you in such a general way. You need to know what she means by emotional support. I would have thought that practical support is more meaningful than words, cuddles, or whatever.

Thank you. This is why I'm so confused as I thought helping out with grandchildren was offering emotional support.

GoodAfternoonTea

Oreo

Yes, I’m very lucky too, my girls and I get on really well, but if we didn’t then I’d refuse to become a doormat for their perceived grudges.
I wish TheatreLover all the luck in the world with sorting out this situation but the old saying ‘never put it in writing’ comes to mind, and I think I would ignore the letter.Phone in a short while and just ask her how things are but don’t allow yourself to be put down.

Very sound advice.

Thank you. You're right. I think I probably have been used as a doormat for perceived grudges. I think subconsciously I have been aware of this as well. The comments from everyone are really helping me to understand what's going on.

M0nica

I would ask her to describe specifically in what way she considered you had not given her sufficient emotional support.

You cannot expect to 'improve' if you do not know how you 'failed'. It sounds to me as if your relationship has been difficult for some time, so I always feel it is better to be upfront and just ask for the specifics so that you can tailor your support to suit her next time. Although, I suspect that she will then find something else to accuse you of failing to provide. Your DD may always shape her relationship with you so that you are always failing her, because that is what she wants to believe.

Your last sentence has really made me stop and think as I've never looked at my relationship with DD that way. She is in her 40's, so not particularly young, so you may be right that she is framing our relationship in such a way that I will always fail. It's certainly felt that way for years.

I have re-read all your replies, which have been so helpful. I see my daughter, and look after her toddler, for a few hours every week, but haven't mentioned her letter yet.

You have all offered such insightful advice. The poster who said that I sounded sad is right.

I find it easy to hug friends and family, but even when I do hug my daughter, or kiss her on the cheek, there is no response. As far as I can recall, she has never hugged me, or kissed me on the cheek for years. My daughter-in-law is not particularly physically demonstrative, but she often hugs me when I arrive or leave their house. Yesterday, a friend of my daughter was at my daughter's house, and when she left she came and gave me a hug. My son-in-law will give me a hug, or kiss on the cheek when I leave their house. I just find it sad that my daughter is not comfortable with showing me physical affection.

Her father and I divorced years ago. It didn't happen straight away, but we have a comfortable relationship now, so this is not a dig at him, but it hurts that my daughter is comfortable with hugging him, and other people, but that she never hugs me.

I wish she had written the letter, and then not sent it, which is what I have occasionally done throughout my life, but she has sent it so the advice not to ignore it is good.

Thank you all again for your advice and kindness

Well said, Yoonimum. I would add that with the best will in the word, parents don't always get it right and there is always time to change patterns of behaviour that we don't always realise we do.

Whatever you do, don't ignore the letter! You will confirm her viewpoint if you ignore it. Keep your reply brief and offer to talk it over face to face saying you will do your best to be emotionally honest and available. When you do speak I think you have every right to point out that you are a human like everyone else and have your failings and own needs. Obviously, I don't know what has gone on between you but it is the amazing the number of adults who have magical thinking about their parents. She probably needs to hear that you have always tried your hardest with the emotional resources you have and have not intentionally withheld from her. Of course, you should actively listen to her concerns and reflect as well. Sometimes, with the best will in the world though, people just need to accept that parents can't make every hurt go away for a whole variety of reasons and having friends who can offer support is normal, healthy and fortunate.

Sounds to me your daughter could with truth say to you "Mum thanks for your patience with cantankerous me"

When a daughter matures into an adult she will know that no relationship is perfect . What adults do is try to find common ground such as "Mum you always made great coffee" or "Mum, I loved my childhood bedroom wall paper." . With sincere respect, which of you , you or your daughter , is not giving a measure of positive feedback?

Good word that pityfishing.
Exactly what a friend of mine does most of the time.
I have to say that this daughter would test my patience in that my practical support is still acceptable!!
I suppose this is doing chores and money.
Think again.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

I had to warn my daughter to be careful what she said about me, or she could be accused of slander. She quickly learned that 'pity-fishing' got her lots of attention and sympathy, until people realised that what she said was mostly lies.
She is no longer part of my life, which is sad, but I don't need that constant negativity.

I have never known anyone like my daughter, I walked on egg shells as did most of the family, hers and her husband's then she cut everyone off, her husband goes along with it. His parents broke their hearts over it as did as did I and her brother. She likes her wealthy lifestyle and it does not include the past. Taken me years to get it into my head she's as she is and will not change.

Has your daughter got children of her own? All mothers know we have to be strong. That is what mothers do, we have to give practical support, we have to be their rock. Sorry to say this, but it sounds as if your daughter has never appreciated just who you are.

I'm not convinced that writing a letter or responding would actually do anything useful. Having been the recipient of a letter from one of my sisters was enough to throw me into the depths of depression, needing counselling and going no contact for a few years while I tried to process the whole thing.
It's not the first time this has happened but her need to say her piece (which is her prerogative) and in a way needing praise for the 'support' that she gave me put my back up so much that even though I was grateful at the time was always a stick to beat me with. This is someone who would make comments about many different topics, that with others would start a disagreement or argument whereas I would just stay silent and pass no comment. Maybe that irritated her - I don't know.
You are being made a scapegoat which often happens to the people that are loved - in a way because presumably you will always love and forgive any transgressions just because she is your daughter.
Your practical support was probably for you - your kind of emotional support for her that you would or could give - it doesn't mean that it was wrong - it just wasn't what she wanted or expected.

You probably didn't provide the emotional support, I think you need to accept that. She was obviously hurt by this but lucky her for having friends to confide in. She will live! But to write to you makes me think she's pretty cruel as she knows how much it will play on your mind. You don't deserve that. I would call her and say you're sorry and that you think of her often and if there's anything you can do to help now, you will. Family life is tough, she doesn't know the half of it and hopefully when she is your age, she will reflect on how it must have felt for you to receive a letter like that.

Shes going through a hard time and needs you. I daresay she doesn't mean what she says and perhaps soon you and her can talk and clear the air. Good luck.

Beeb. Dr David Burns has been a real eye opener!

Typo - TheatreLover

Sorry posted too soon. Lots of good advice here. Wishing you well ThreatreLover

Thanks for sharing Sanmrbro

If that was my daughter I absolutely write back. I would apologise that she felt I was failing in emotional support and then ask how I could have done better. Explain that you really don't understand what she would have liked you to do but you really would like to understand so you can do better.
There is a language from our children we don't always understand but surely we want to? There are ways I can't possibly change and things that upset my daughter which just wouldn't phase me but I want to be the best parent I can be. That doesn't mean I will always agree with her but at least I'll know what she expects. My daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder which makes her quite a challenge but experience tells me that she needs to be heard and see me listening.

You sound like the scapegoat.

Ask her exactly what she needs from you then offer it if you are able.

You clearly have had a difficult relationship in the past. I am guessing this is simply the latest manifestation of it.

I highly recommend the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication by psychiatrist David Burns.
feelinggood.com/2016/12/12/014-the-five-secrets-of-effective-communication-part-1/

TL what does emotional support include?