My adult children are estranged from each other.

The problem for me was about raising 4 children without any support from my siblings or parents for decades and then when she developed dementia, expecting me to travel abroad every 2 weeks to help look after my mum (on a rota with siblings who lived in the same town as my mother!!) while my children were doing GCSE and Alevels and uni exams.
It was relentless and I would not care if I never saw any of them again!

I, e spoken to my younger sister just twice in 31 years..she lives just a mile from me,
When our dad died she “abdicated” from the family and left us to care for our mother for the rest of her life.
No easy task mum was quite demanding.She would only eat things I cooked and with my 5 year old son and a stroppy teenager …alongside running two businesses and home it was a.
tough 12 years
Sister surfaced a couple of years ago when another relative was very ill .She seemed to think it was fine and asked the relative why her sisters didn,t speak to her?
Might be because she wouldn,t give us her phone number,stopped her kids from visiting their granny even though they passed her window every day and told lies about why she it ties
Now? I don’t consider her a sister can’t see it changing anytime soon and certainly wouldn,t want her arriving at my funeral swathed in black and crying supported by in laws who believed the rubbish she spoke,,the way she did at my mums funeral.
You know that saying you don’t choose your family but you can pick your friends? I go further than that.Walk away from “family” who treat you badly .They don’t deserve to have you in their lives.
Being born in the same family doesn,t bestow a special status.
You can’t expect your children to get on just because it’s what YOU want.

When my mother died 3 years ago I decided to distance myself from my 3 siblings (luckily all 3 live in another country). I'd had enough of their bullying behaviour towards me when my mother developed dementia. So I don't contact them and when I'm in my country of origin, I either just see one sibling, but only very briefly, or not at all.
I am in regular contact with my adult nieces and nephews.
So a win win situation for me.
And I have the best inlaws too.

Jojo555

My DD's and DS have not spoken for a couple of years. This year my DD's decided they did not want to come to my house for mothers day as they wanted a relaxing day at home (I thought then it was because they did not want to see my DS). They came the week before and we went out. My DS and I had already organised for him to come on Mothers day. When he found out that we had, had 'Mothers day without him', he was furious and took it out on me saying 'you know mum, it's not all about you!. I had thought everyone would be happy because they would not have to see each other. I spent my Mothers day and my b'day which was a couple of days before that without any of my children or my grandchildren in tears. I am under so much stress, in trying to keep everyone happy I have thrown myself under the bus so to speak.

Its not your job to keep everyone happy. They make thdir choices. You cant do anything about that so dont try.

I understand your daughter wanting her own MD at home. She compromised by giving you a nice day at a different time. Your son ...well MD IS supposed to be all about you; he is being thoughtless and rather silly in the circumstances.

I suggest you stop trying to keep everyone happy! Just make arrangements around ghdir preferences and if either gets in a huff then say "Ok so what do YOU suggest as you two dont want to see each other?" ...and leave them to it!

I

My eldest and youngest used to be such good friends, but now don’t speak, it breaks my heart especially as my eldest has no idea why and has offered olive branches. I just keep involved with both, but rarely together.

My DD's and DS have not spoken for a couple of years. This year my DD's decided they did not want to come to my house for mothers day as they wanted a relaxing day at home (I thought then it was because they did not want to see my DS). They came the week before and we went out. My DS and I had already organised for him to come on Mothers day. When he found out that we had, had 'Mothers day without him', he was furious and took it out on me saying 'you know mum, it's not all about you!. I had thought everyone would be happy because they would not have to see each other. I spent my Mothers day and my b'day which was a couple of days before that without any of my children or my grandchildren in tears. I am under so much stress, in trying to keep everyone happy I have thrown myself under the bus so to speak.

It so sad to hear these stories . My now AC got on as kids , fought like cat and dog as teenagers , but in their twenties started to get on again and at 31 and 34 are really close . They socialise together and are there for each other .
I’m close to my siblings as is my DM but my DH family were always falling out . My fil who was one of 7 was estranged from one brother and 2 sisters . As a result my dh doesn’t have a relationship with those cousins .

That’s a great point about cousins, GoldenAge.

Cabbie21 - Personally I don't like the word 'interfering' and would rather talk about 'not getting involved' as the former has a negative connotation whereas it's perfectly possible to be involved without being seen to interfere. It's sad when siblings fall out as adults, especially since at the end of their lives its their siblings who will have shared early memories with them. I would ask each one if they'd be prepared to work with a family systems therapist to try to find a resolution for the sake of their children who are cousins, who share a lot of DNA and who might need each other in the future. If they aren't prepared to do that, then you will at least never say to yourself that you didn't try. If they agree, you can find a family systems therapist on the BACP counselling website, on their Directory of Therapists. Good luck.

It’s not down to you to fix it, they are adults who are old enough to fix things themselves. It’s very common although yes hurtful for mum and dad

Maybe with a special birthday coming up, a time to say as a birthday present you’d like them all to be there… see what happens. If one of them doesn’t, then have a 2nd celebration. Good luck.

Let them work it out. It’s a terrible position for a mum to be in. It’s also a lose-lose. No matter your intentions, getting involved is likely to lead to someone accusing you of taking the other’s side or meddling. I’m sorry you’re this situation. It’s very hard.

Lovely Wyllow 😍

How sad all these messages make me feel. Having just shared a villa in Greece to celebrate my 70th with 2 daughters 2 son in laws and 5 grandchildren I feel so very lucky. We all get on so well, the children too, and we always really try to give as much as we can to make our time together special. I think that because my middle daughter died 10 years ago it makes us especially close. It’s very special and I now realise, maybe not as common as I thought.

Growing up my sister and i drifted apart having been close as children though we could fight like cat and dog.

We would still see eachother at family events but it wasn't until our DM died that we realised she had manipulated us both for years.

That was 15 years ago and now we are the best of friends although I wouldn't go on holiday with her!

Of my own DC, the 3rd and 4th are close but the older two can wind eachother up very quickly. I think they are jealous for some reason and their partners don't get on.
It's a pity but I think they love eachother deep down. I hope so. I hope that when I'm gone they'll look after eachother.

Also I have to be careful not to praise their children too much as it looks like favouritism. I miss DH so much as he and I could share our pride. I have no-one now.

None of my four children get on well, they're all very different. I do make attempts to reconcile them and, although three of them did come to our recent anniversary party, they barely spoke and are obviously still estranged. I don't know what went on, but something clearly is wrong and I can't get to the bottom of it.

The dispute was of their making and should be of their mending. As you have no knowledge of what happened and neither has disclosed to you, they obviously do not want your opinion or interference. Very hard but you can't make people like one another. Perhaps time will heal.

Oh my goodness. They sound absolutely horrible 😢

My children also struggle to get on. They are very different people really, but they do make an effort sometimes.

It used to hurt me a lot that we were not a family 'unit' and felt like some sort of failure.

Now I look at it very differently in that they both feel free to be themselves and accept they will never be as close as they were when children. Life is just like that sometimes.

I do tell them it hurts though. I feel I have two families- maybe it's a curse, maybe it's a blessing...? Not much I can do to change it really.

My son and daughter haven't spoken or seen each other for at least 8 yrs . In the past when I would try mediation each would say practically the same derogotive things about each other I gave up a long time ago . No family Christmases or special times .

Yes i think that was the start of the ice- breaking, one or other of them would ask how the nephews/neices were, etc.But once they felt 'free' i think of their partners 'putting a spoke in' then they realised why were they still estranged? Im glad they made up before i was in hospital etc as its obvious its genuinely because theyve missed each other, not just feeling like they have to, for my sake

My sister did something that really hurt my daughter and I wrote to her telling her I no longer wanted a relationship with her bar a civil one at family events. She wrote to my other children to try to get them on her side but they wrote back politely and told her that until she apologised for her behaviour to my daughter they would be distancing themselves. She then wrote nasty emails to them about me telling all sorts of lies. From the start I told them they were under no pressure from me to take sides. Somehow I was the one ostracised on my father’s side. That hurt.
However, when my mum became ill I decided to bury the hatchet for her sake. Most of the time it works but every now and then my sister blows up about how we all abandoned her and when I calmly say that actions have consequences she can’t take any responsibility for her actions. She has found herself cut off from her own children and I feel very sad that she can’t see her part in it all. She just doesn’t seem to help herself and I find myself torn between sympathy and frustration at her destructive nature.
I have made up my mind that once my Mum has gone I will do my best to keep things on an evil keel but I am not going to put up with toxic behaviour. Life is just too short.
My daughter has a fractious relationship with her brothers but I try not to get involved as it can blow up in my face without me even trying. It’s difficult because I hate it when they fall out but they are such different personalities it was always likely to happen. Usually things blow over and I hop they always will.

Yes i had a special birthday a couple of years ago, but though they said they would all be willing to be there for me, in the end one of them made an excuse (i think) not to attend.But was probably a good thing at the time maybe.It was over a year later that they made friends again.

This happened to two of my AC about 7 or 8yrs ago, what started over something which would have previously blown over in a few days, was fanned and blown out of huge proportion by their respective partners.But i told them both i was not taking sides, as i loved both of them and my grandchildren.They accepted this, and i never told either of anything to do with the other, nor bad- mouthed them at all.Their siblings followed suit so no other rifts thankfully- but i could see it was hurting them and as time wore on i realised they missed each other, as they'd always been the closest before..Fast forward a few years and one had a new partner, and one embarking on a divorce.They have now made up and the rest of us are so happy & relieved as they help each other like they used to and are making up for lost time.I dont know if your AC will do the same, but i do hope so..Just give them time, but dont interfere.Just stay friends with both.And show them they are both still loved.

I think much depends on the nature of the relationship before this event. If they had never really got on or enjoyed each others company, they may not think it is worth trying to heal the breach. But if this is out of character, I would be more hopeful about a successful recovery. Especially if they do enquire about each other. That means that they still care and are interested. I think it’s good that you can be the conduit for news and I would carry on doing that unless you are specifically asked not to.
Have you tried saying that you would love to be able to have everyone at your birthday dinner, and whether they think they could do this? They can only say no.