Angry at Friend

I wouldn’t want to be her friend anymore after all that. She obviously doesn’t want your friendship and in your position, I’d back off and leave her to it. You are the better person, not her.

If your friend was so affected by these things you have done how come she never spoke out before? Letting the angst build up is unfair. It does not give the other party an oportunity to address the grievances and offer to change their behaviour. Not that I consider you have anything to apologise about.

I broke up with a friend of 15 years under similar circumstances. We had what apeared to be a trivial difference on the phone and she asked me not to contact her for "a few weeks". I left it 8 weeks than called her and we chatted like old times. She told me she was moving house and when I asked for her new number just said "Lets leave it shall we" and hung up.

I was stunned and wrote to her telling her how much the friendship meant to me and that it was a shame to break up over something so trivial. She wrote back "I dont agree that our differences are trivial. I consider them fundamental and irrevocable."

I never got to the bottom of things and consider it is still "unfinished business".

She is being puerile. Just because she can no longer call the shots, she is trying to denigrate you, and gaslight you, and make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need this Debbie Downer in your life.

She sounds a bit nuts to me! Was she really ever a good friend? Good friends understand and take on board all our idiosyncrasies - like we do theirs! It’s how people rub along together. Will be difficult to maintain a balanced relationship with someone like this- time to move on.

I have two friends who use me to vent to.
I know this and have felt I must be kind and let them use me as it seems the thing to do.
I have had enough and last evening one texted me to ask me round to hers this evening.
I just know it is to listen to all that is wrong in her life and I then come home feeling down instead of being uplifted after a good chatty evening with a good friend.
I have made an excuse, but, why do I feel the need to make an excuse instead of just saying no?
I know very well she doesn’t do the same to others we mutually know because they tell her a few home truths about her situation and that she doesn’t help herself.
I am just a mug.

I must admit that I got tired of a sister-in-law copying : dining room chairs, furniture, colour I painted house .....got on my nerves after a while, though I really wouldn' t put " having short hair" into the same category. As she answered you spontaneously, it sounds as if she really believes this! Up to you now to decide where to go with the relationship .....bury or revive.

Friendships can be fleeting, short term or can last decades or a lifetime. I had and have both.

They can be tricky especially if one party is more sensitive, insecure or the controlling type. I have/had them all.

Expectations are high sometimes. You can’t take things personally (sometimes hard to do), you have to be forgiving, and sometimes you just drift off without any reason.

There’s also the fine art of letting go. If a relationship brings too much anxiety, pain (abuse?) or you’re being used - it’s time to let go.

Sometimes we can just be stubborn, which is childish. You have to figure out the VALUE of each friendship.
Friendships are precious.
USA Gundy

I'm sorry that you've been hurt by this woman. As time and circumstances change and move on, so do our friends and aqaintances. This person sounds as if she has. Don't worry any more about it. It's certainly disappointing, but I'm sure that you can find other people whose company you can enjoy.

The phrase 'Times change, people move on' sums it up for me. We change subtly as time goes by and it is like a refining process. People, places, activities that I once found exciting and new are not so now. The few true friends that I made years ago have stayed the course and tolerated my peculiar foibles, as I have tolerated theirs, and without having to make an unpleasant issue. Your 'friend' has been hurtful in her remarks, as most of the things seem so trivial as to be silly; she might as well accuse you of copying her because you are breathing. I would keep reminding myself that 'Other people's opinion of me is none of my business' and, thus liberated, move on.

the only comment I would make is , perhaps when you get over the immediate hurt of her behaviour and actions, you can look back at the friendship and be able to still think of better times in the past and not let the ending make you feel that the whole friendship was not real. So there is some grief I think when you have had a long friendship, but if you rather mentally think of her as "dead to you" but you can look back at some good things that you shared in the past and then perhaps look at something that you did not share an interest in , or maybe never followed it but and could join a group with that interest so that there is no reminder of the previous friend. Wish you all the best, but remember whatever she thinks you were a good friend to her for a long time and whatever she thinks now you were a true friend. Give yourself a pat on the back and walk a different road!!

Like several of you I am deciding not to take 'sh**' any more and am distancing from some friends. The trouble is, if you have taken sh** in the past too many of your friendships will have that as a basis. I am now very firm - it's got to work for me and fulfil a need of mine. One issue has been that my 'need' in the past has been to get feelgood factor by helping others, with the subtext that I trusted they would be there for me. Serves me right that hasn't really happened. I do firmly believe you can find new friends, though, however old you are. I am a pagan, and there are certain people in my spiritual community that I haven't had time for in the past. Now I am choosing to be with them and finding them very welcoming. They do not need help or support, they are just pleasant. I would say Polar that whatever happens you are better off without someone so ...well, silly. Look to your interests and people within your community that seem okay but to whom maybe you did not initially gravitate. There you may find some treasures.

I would also say that 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery' and she should be complimented! I would never take umbrage at being copied unless it was extreme - good friends tend to like the same thing anyway!

inishowen

I had a close friend for 35 years. When covid hit she understandably didn't want to meet up but we texted daily. Since then she has batted away every invitation to meet up. We got as far as arranging to meet for lunch but she cancelled saying she was unwell. I dont understand what I've done. It hurts a lot to be honest.

You may find it’s nothing to do with you, and that she is just still very nervous of going out, or travelling more than a mile or two from her home. My husband is MUCH warier than I am of Covid, and won’t go on, for example, public transport. We did however go to the cinema yesterday, although we were virtually the only ones there!

There is a lot of wisdom above, which I hope you find helpful.
I'll add something else - when something 'odd' like this happens, out of the blue, I always wonder about early dementia.
You may not think of this as helpful, as there isn't anything you can do about it. Also, very early dementia only shows in slightly odd things - it wouldn't easily be picked up.
You may think this ridiculous, in which case, ignore!

She's being daft.. of course real friends share helpful hints and tastes about good hairdressers, shows, music etc.. that's what we're here for to help each other, it's not a competition ..
that's more like playground friendships.. although I think that nowdays young people seem more emotionally literate

Polar22

Bella23

You haven't moved have you?
I've found since I moved I have lost a lot of friends. It's as if I should have stayed and weathered the storm of getting older together.
I now concentrate on the ones who have kept the distance friendships up and forget the rest but it is upsetting. I often wonder what I did wrong.
Just make sure you don't make your hair appointment for the same day.

I did think that 😂. Thanks that made me laugh. X

Glad someone has the same sense of humour Polar22 it has gotten me into trouble quite a few times. Especially with the "friends", I left behind. Another friend who stuck with me when I moved said "Why stay in the "Elephants Grave yard?" In front of another, we both got into trouble for laughing. I was glad of her humour it is an awful feeling when you are cut for no reason.You need someone to point the way forward.

Surely doing and liking similar things is a sign of having things in common?? It sounds like maybe as others have said, she is resenting you being a bit more assertive. Shame a long term friendship like this has come to an end, but it would seem you're better off without her if she can be nasty like that.

Dump her.

Nannarose

There is a lot of wisdom above, which I hope you find helpful.
I'll add something else - when something 'odd' like this happens, out of the blue, I always wonder about early dementia.
You may not think of this as helpful, as there isn't anything you can do about it. Also, very early dementia only shows in slightly odd things - it wouldn't easily be picked up.
You may think this ridiculous, in which case, ignore!

Now I have wondered about that Nannarose. A couple of times in the previous year she totally denied we’d ever been to place A or B. Absolutely refused to believe we’d done it although we very definitely had! Her mum suffered with Alzheimer’s before she died. At the beginning of this year when we were still in regular contact she made some very weird decisions about her life. I don’t know. Maybe I’m looking for explanations where there aren’t any - any rational ones anyway.

Thanks so much for all the comments. It’s nice to read others thoughts and experiences. I agree that with good friendships you do often share likes and dislikes. We’d have 4/5 hour conversations sharing thoughts, feelings, what we’d done or not done. It’s normal that in those shared moments I’d think ‘oh that’s a nice idea I might try that’. It’d be one thought in a hundred maybe but over the years I guess they add up??
I think - as someone said above - it’s the length of time she’s had these thoughts and said nothing. It feels dishonest. Even if we reestablished a friendship I couldn’t trust her anymore. I’d be checking myself constantly. It’s sad but life does change and relationships change with them. I don’t have many friends but I certainly don’t need bad ones. Thanks again all. Have a good weekend.

I think you are well shot of her! Her loss. Very petty and childish

Inishowen,
Covid has made a lot of people very wary of going out.
She maybe thought she was ok or would be when you arranged it and then panicked closer to the date.
Tbh, maybe you should ask if she has this issue since covid.

She sounds like hard work.We don’t need friends like that, she
has acted appallingly. Make a new friend.x

Polar22, that is interesting.
If you are worried about her (and it sounds as if you might be) and you know any of her family or other close friends, then I think you might contact them to say matter-of-factly, without detail, something like:
I seem to have upset Friend, and we're no longer in contact.
That's her choice, and we can leave it that way, but some of the things she said made me wonder about about her health and how she is doing, so I wanted to let you know.

I really wouldn't do that if you think they might over-react to either her or you, or if you don't know them well enough; but if they are sensible, they may be worried about her, and it may be helpful. Otherwise, as others have said, you sadly have to let it go.

I have three friends who copy me. On holiday in China I
pointed out a picture I was going to buy. It was a one off. My friend lunged forward and bought it before I could. On holiday with another friend I pointed out a necklace I was going to buy. She bought the same one and put it on immediately so I couldn’t wear mine, it would have looked daft. Another friend copied my kitchen décor completely, to exactly the same tea towels, hand towels, blinds etc but none of them ever complimented me on my taste. I should feel flattered, but I don’t.

This is probably going to be very outing, but right now, I'm beyond caring.
My best friend of 18/19 years moved across the country this summer, after having never set foot in my home, but always expecting me to visit her when she wanted me to.
I'd helped with hospital appointments and even some of her sorting out of stuff for this house move, but now she's actually moved, she's gone really quiet and cold, having simply sent a message a couple of weeks after her move date saying "I've now moved".
I've reached out to her several times in the few months since she went, but it's taken her at least a week to send a one line response each time, despite us having been the type of friends who messaged each other numerous times every day until her move was getting close.
We'd planned to retire to the coast together for years, right up to a few months ago.
I even messaged to ask after her health last week and told her I'd had an emergency hospital admission with major surgery the previous week, only to receive a response today saying "sorry to hear you've been poorly".
Poorly??? I'd have died if I hadn't got to the hospital when I did. It feels as though she no longer has any use for me as I'm now a few hours drive away, I obviously can't/won't drop everything to drive her to a hospital appointment 30miles from her home anymore, so I suspect she's now trying to find herself some new patsy, and I'm probably better off out of her life, but it definitely hurts being dropped like this.