Walking On Eggshells for Critical DIL

I think it may be a wind up. The OP hasn't been back have they?
It's certainly got us all worked up.

My mind is very sound, thank you
Mine too, as far as I am aware!!

Lathyrus

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

My mind is very sound, thank you.

Actually people go to a lot of trouble and expense to chose a perfume they like and to scent their houses or get rid of a smell they don’t like. Or avoid shops like Lush because of the smell.

That shows how important the sense of smell is.

When I worked in a crisp factory I would wash when I came home to get rid of the smell of hot fat. Why wouldn’t I shower to get rid of the smell of someone else’s musky perfume.

There’s really no need to be unpleasant.

Allsorts sometimes a smell can get up your nostrils and seem to stay there. If it's something unpleasant like Opium or Poison (the perfumes, they are really unpleasant to some) or anything strong, then it can linger and smell all day.
If in close proximity to someone wearing strong perfumes it seems to become absorbed and linger on clothes, in hair etc.

This is not just about the Daughter-in-law if the son can smell it too.

Allsorts

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

My mind is very sound, thank you.

Actually people go to a lot of trouble and expense to chose a perfume they like and to scent their houses or get rid of a smell they don’t like. Or avoid shops like Lush because of the smell.

That shows how important the sense of smell is.

When I worked in a crisp factory I would wash when I came home to get rid of the smell of hot fat. Why wouldn’t I shower to get rid of the smell of someone else’s musky perfume.

There’s really no need to be unpleasant.

I would just tell them that, while you understand their love and care for your dear grandchild. The standards they require are more than you can meet and it would be better for them to employ a nanny or child minder, thoroughly trained in meeting parents special requirements

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel crushed or anything else, The problem is theirs, not yours. So shed the load and dance off into the sunset unencumbered.

I think it all depends on how much you actually want to look after your grandchild and if you want to retain a good relationship with your son. You can be indignant and tell them to take the baby elsewhere but you risk a fallout which you might regret.
You can be indignant, keep quiet, just wait for them to relax which they will eventually and enjoy the time you have with your grandchild which is truly a privilege that others don't get.
Maybe you have never noticed your scent because you have been using it for so long. My next-door neighbour always smells well perfumed which doesn't bother me but it would cause my daughter problems not least because of her asthma.

You are in a good position spending regular time with your grandchild

Those rules sound relatively simple and no trouble to follow so just do so.. especially as some revolve around allergies... Just leave off the lotion and problem makeup.

You could follow advice to tell them to get a nanny but they probably would and then you would have shot yourself in the foot

Looking after my DGD when parents were at work was the best. Enjoy it J916J916.

Afraid I think this is a wind up abd the silly comments about
having to shower and wash hair after sitting next to someone who smelt of perfume, no one would consider doing that of sound mind.if Some Sundays must be boring for some people I guess.

MercuryQueen I find it amazing how many people value wearing makeup and scented products over their gc and relationship with their son and DIL. Regardless of if you think it’s silly, it’s really not a hard request to accommodate.

Indeed. Why walk on eggshells over a tiny request, just do as asked, go along precisely and get along well.

I find it amazing how many people value wearing makeup and scented products over their gc and relationship with their son and DIL.

Regardless of if you think it’s silly, it’s really not a hard request to accommodate. Folks would really rather embrace being offended, and take the request as an insult.

Of course the OP has the right to refuse whatever she wants. But is it going to end well? Is she going to be happy with the results? If you’re counting on them backing down, be prepared for disappointment, especially if they consider scented products and makeup on their baby’s skin to be a health issue.

harrysgran

Tell them to put their hand in their pocket and find alternative childcare I think many of these parents actually think they are doing grandparents a favour allowing them to look after their children where in reality it's the other way around

I think many of them are doing the grandparent sa favour in allowing them so much time with the grands. Is it also helpful to the parents ? Yes, but it’s a mutual benefit. I’m always shocked when so many fellow nans on her have instant advice of “tell them to hire a nanny “ because they can’t do whatever they please while caring for someone else’s baby - helping someone you supposedly love isn’t a license to do as you please and they should like it! I wonder if these “quit on the spit they’re ungrateful” nans are the same ones who later complain they never see the grands and the wicked dil has put them in daycare or worse her mother minds them and they’re never included.

Yes I do see what you mean Calipso but the thread is about walking on eggshells and I think that is the phrase which engendered outrage!

Grammaretto

Ofcourse the world is different Calipso but we older ones are also in it, our help and advice still needed.

But that is exactly my point. So many posts advising the OP to stop looking after her grandchild which is absolutely , as suggested upthread, cutting off your nose to spite your face.

My view is to remember that the baby's parents are trying their best and to cut them some slack. They are learning and mistakes will be made. One day they will probably look back and laugh at themselves.

And we should be mindful that not all help and advice is well-informed or welcomed. Being older unfortunately doesn't make everyone wiser 😉

Why do new parents behave in this way? All babies are precious - but really!? Always had my daughters children, no instructions but of course would follow any really necessary ones! However they are just thankful I can be a care giver for their children. I know new mums are very protective but your DIL is surely going far too far !!! If she behaves like this now how on earth will she manage when the child/ ren grow and develop and present problems either in school or socially?
I can only suggest that if this situation continues you may want to diplomatically suggest she seeks alternative childcare - and see how she likes paying for it . Obviously this would deprive you of caring for your GC and I appreciate that would be difficult, but sometimes needs must !
I agree your son and DIL concerns are NOT valid - they have a baby for goodness sake it's nothing new nor
is it rocket science!!! In your situation I would be very offended, she is indeed behaving like a Prima Donna!!! It must be indeed like walking on eggshells and that takes all the joy out of caring for your loved GC.- So why put yourself in that situation ? If a childminder/nursery is found I am not sure they would be able to cope with her demands . DIL may rethink and settle down but if not back out politely and with grace. I would not be able to cope that situation. Good luck.

Tell them to put their hand in their pocket and find alternative childcare I think many of these parents actually think they are doing grandparents a favour allowing them to look after their children where in reality it's the other way around

Apologies for mispelling grandtante.

grabdtante said: As to your lotions and make-up: Here I think your DIL is the reasonable one.

I agree. I wouldn't have wanted any baby of mine to smell of synthetic make-up or perfume pongs, nor to have his/her skin smudged with them.

People in general don't seem to understand the trouble scents/perfumes cause for some of us. And, if you wash enough, they are not even necessary.

Once I bought the wrong Aptamil for the baby - my word - my daughter almost killed me !!!- but, no harm done. He only had one feed 😂 He is now a strapping 21 year old, who is staying with me for a few days, due to a ‘row’ with his Mum over his bad Degree results, well, let’s not sugar coat it, he Failed!!! I’m sure he’ll be forgiven - there are worse things than an exam failure….

Childhood is so short and babies grow so quickly. Before you know it your DGC will be at nursery and then school. Just enjoy the time you have with him. The demands and requirements may be irritating but you have other times which are more important. Try to rise above the annoying stuff.
Some people do have very sensitive sense of smells and find some perfumes really upsetting. The smell she is washing off is not your smell, it's the product you are using.
She's a first time mum, lending you her baby. Sometimes when you lend special things you want to supervise every moment. It takes time to adjust.

Catterygirl

Are most Grans on this site American? No objection but just wondering as people don’t use English language.

Maybe you need new glasses if you wear them or need them if you don't, we all write in English with a tiny bit of Scots and Welsh. Or are you alluding to our bad Grammar?
Getting back to the post I would ask my DIL what make-up she wears and lotion and if could she lend you some that come with hers and your son's approval.
This unfortunately is not the first time I have heard of this scenario, a relation who lives abroad told me the same. She had been leaving casseroles etc. on their step when inappropriately dressed for their standards.
She remedied it by stopping the cooking and asking to visit or give any help. When no 2 came along they were shouting for help but by then she had joined quite a few clubs and voluntary groups and was otherwise engaged.
They are all still friends but on a more equal footing.

Stop feeling crushed!

Accept that this is their first baby and that this kind of behaviour is normal these days for new parents.

If you want to be part of your grandson's life, you just have to accept that your DIL's rules must be respected to a certain extent.

Hold the baby while feeding him as she wants, if she is present and do it your own way, once she is out the door.

Joke with your husband about the pillow - no need to use it when DIL is not around.

If you complain about this sort of thing now, she will stop you being anywhere near the child as like as not.

As to your lotions and make-up: Here I think your DIL is the reasonable one.

Perfumed products may well cause allergies if infants are exposed to them, so don't use them on the days you are looking after the child.

I would wash him and change his clothes if he were my baby and came home smelling of perfumed products.

Sorry, if you are not useing perfumed products, but really the same thing applies. All houses have their own scent and where it may be silly to "wash it off a child", she is a new mother, feeling insecure (as we all did) and desperate to do the right thing for her precious baby.

She will relax as time goes by and her sense of smell which may be over-sensitive due to pregancy, child-birth and lactation will return to normal.

If you allow your hurt feelings to show right now, it could cause a family row of the kind you will regret, so please, try to look back over the years to yourself as a new mother and try to summon up a smile and a head-shake for all the daft things new parents do.

rafichagran

Let them find a nursery. They would really get in my nerves.

Completely agree. I would tell them to go elsewhere. They are being ridiculous. No nursery would follow their ludicrous rules.

I agree eazybee . I would never dream of speaking to my DM or my parents in law like these do to the OP.
Downright rude!

I was 21 when my DS1 was born and DMiL was 45, a teacher who had brought up 3 AC. My own DM had brought us 3 up alone and was a university lecturer.
I had the greatest respect for them both.

I may have been envious that they had time to put on makeup and scent.