Problem DiL

You’re a guest in their home so if you are not welcome for more than 2 weeks then you can’t expect them to be available for you for more than 2 weeks. If you try to push their boundaries, it is likely they will tell you not to bother going at all. They are a nuclear family and their first priority will be each other.

Exactly! It’s not unkind it’s truth. No one wants a houseguest that king, especially one who by their own admission has made errors in behavior. Yet ops son and dil
Are still letting her come visit for two weeks, seems quite generous. They could easily have said stay as long as you wanted the nearest hotels are x y and z.

You sound very demanding
Is everything about you? Do you realise other people are involved and have actual feelings?

You're welcome for two weeks? That's amazing! I certainly wouldn't argue about it. Still, I do agree it's too long to stay with them, rather than nearby.

I can remember back in the 1960s when I went for month long holidays to stay with friends in Morocco. However they were out working during the day and I entertained myself. Also I would take off for another city for a week at a time using Casablanca as a base, so we were not in one another's pockets all the time. I have always been confident at finding my own way around in other countries. Im sure they would not have wanted me there for four weeks solid even though they did have one or two maids do do the housework.

A hotel or an air B&B would be a good idea for at least part of the time.

"Maybe days out with the grandaughter can give DIL time on her own away from her MIL which might relieve the strain too."

No, this wouldn't work if the parents do not need time away from their kids if it were different circumstances

If the parents need time away from the mil - mil can entertain herself

I am with you, Fleurpepper. It must be very worrying if you are watching somebody drinking gin all through the day, especially where there is a youngish child involved. The OP has said that her son is worried about his wife's drinking too. I think most of us might be tempted to say something in those circumstances.
Visiting somebody who lives so far away is very wearing so I understand fully while the OP may want to go longer but I also understand the stress it might be for the hosts. It seems that a fair compromise might be for the OP to rest somewhere for a few days first and then stay with the son for as long as her invite allows. Maybe days out with the grandaughter can give DIL time on her own away from her MIL which might relieve the strain too.

Fleurpepper

Norah

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

How very unkind - certainly when you don't know the whole story.

But yes, OP, go for 3 weeks and take yourself off for the last week to visit the region or make a stop over, etc.

Her son and dil offered up two weeks, certainly more than necessary. And OP wasn't happy with that quite long offer.

How is it unkind to note their tolerance, based on OP quote.

Why in the world can't OP stay in a hotel? Been invented!

Norah

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

How very unkind - certainly when you don't know the whole story.

But yes, OP, go for 3 weeks and take yourself off for the last week to visit the region or make a stop over, etc.

Grams2five

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

Indeed. Your dil deserves a medal for tolerance!

Germanshepherdsmum

I can’t imagine even my son and daughter in law staying for two or three weeks, let alone six. I would get through an awful lot of alcohol if it were an in-law. To the point of oblivion, to prevent murder being committed.

For people with family on the other side of the world, there is often no choice but to have parents, or kids, or grandkids, staying for longer periods.

My parents aways came for 3 weeks at a time. In the Summer, with time being spent outdoors and in garden, it was ok. They always took themselves off for a few days in the middle. And we got on very well, even though dad was a bit fussy about strict meal times. At Christmas, they always came to us for 3 weeks- as we could never travel at this time, and it was so lovely for the kids to have their grand-parents- but it could feel a bit long, as mostly stuck inside. But so many happy memories.

DDs drinking to excess in front of young grand-daughter- is an issue, I can understand that. Especially if it alters her behaviour significantly- and it must be hard to not show concern.

OP said that SHE would lump it, not that her dil should!

It would seem youll have to realize it a simply not all about you huh ? You’d daughter in law AND YOUR SON seem to be willing , despite your transgressions , to have your for two weeks and that’s it. Seems the only choice you have is to take it or leave it. I can’t imagine being able to tolerate any guest longer than that and certainly not one who clearly doesn’t like me , your daughter in law deserves a medal

I can’t imagine even my son and daughter in law staying for two or three weeks, let alone six. I would get through an awful lot of alcohol if it were an in-law. To the point of oblivion, to prevent murder being committed.

Madkaty

After Covid I stayed for six weeks which was too long I know.
My dil was ( and still is) drinking neat gin throughout the day most days. My son is aware and admitted it was causing problems but will always go with whatever she says and I respect that. I think I’ll lump it and go for two weeks at Christmas and see how it goes. Thanks for your comments x

Goodness.

If I were your dil I'd be drinking Prosecco from breakfast orange juice until bedtime. Thinking dil should 'lump it' is not kind.

Has the OP been back or have we scared her off good and proper?

It was a fairly innocent question but she's certainly been telt

I now wonder if my plan to go to NZ for a month is too much!
They stay with me for several weeks at a time and I don't mind being used as a base. I lent them my car for the time they were here and beyond. We have a good relationship at least I hope we do
I think it depends on whether there is space, plenty to do, and good weather

I think my DiL would drink if I stayed with her and DS twice a year or even once a year. I think it’s very generous of your DiL to have you to stay twice a year. Think yourself lucky and stop criticising her if you want another invitation. You really are lucky but 2 weeks is quite enough.

Your comment that you will ‘have to lump it’ says everything about your feelings of entitlement to a nice long holiday. You are not entitled to visit. You do so on their terms. Or not at all.

Unfortunately the title is misleading, you are the problem MIL you do not have a problem DIL, you criticised her in her own home about her drinking, which was none of your business.
They have said you can go for two weeks, but you want three and you ask should you go as it is not what I want. I notice this thread is about I and not what your Son and DIl wants.
Go for the two weeks,enjoy it and don't upset your DIl.

But 8000 miles is a long way very expensive too and personally I wouldn’t go that distance for a week or 10 days, Jetlag would take up half the week to recover from.
It’s different if it’s a short journey when a few days is fine, half way across the world is quite another thing.
Wishing you well OP.

Davida1968

IMO two weeks is too long to stay with others, or to have ANY visitors to stay, unless for a special reason. (Such as helping out with a new baby or due to illness.) Just saying.

Yes, I agree. And looking at the situation from the other side, I would absolutely loath having anyone stay here with us for more than a couple of nights.

If the invitation is for two weeks then that is what it has to be. If you try to stay longer than are wanted then it may be that you won't get invited at all.

Questionable, not questions

Distance is a constraint that cannot be changed

Now, where to stay during the visit - there are options

If anybody feels these long flights "deserve" more than 2 weeks - questions but ok

You can stay in your own airbnb and see the family when it is convenient for all

Do your own tourist route, pursue something that interest you on your own

If you cannot afford it?
Then scale down and plan what you can afford without imposing that on others and making that their problem to solve

silverlining48

it would depend on the distance though, someone coming from the other side of the world is unlikely to think a week or even two is sufficient to justify the expense and long flight/s.

If someone has a short flight or drive then of course, the stay would be shorter. I quite understand OP and hope things work out for them all.

At this point the distance is irrelevant to the people who actually get to decide the length of stay, which is the son and DIL. It’s their home. The OP doesn’t get to negotiate here, especially because her future visits were cut short due to her own behavior. I hope OP accepts that being the critical/meddling mother in law is not conducive to a positive relationship, and behaves accordingly going forward.