maddyone
My own mother was often difficult and stubborn, and at times extremely annoying, but I loved her and never considered the possibility of estranging her. In any case, because I had such loving and caring grandparents I believed that children deserved a relationship with their grandparents and I wouldn’t have dreamt of denying my children that. They adored her, and indeed they adored all their grandparents, and were very distressed when they died. She was a good grandmother even though she was irritatingly annoying to her daughters sometimes. When she died I was absolutely beside myself with grief, because although she could be awkward and difficult, she could also be kind and loving. People are multifaceted, they behave in different ways with different people. It’s possible this grandfather could a lovely grandparent, but we’ll never know, because he won’t be given the chance it seems.
Difficult, stubborn and annoying are vastly different issues from toxic and abusive. If someone can’t manage a respectful, civil relationship with the parents, why would the parents trust them with their children? If someone can’t behave appropriately with adults who are equal in power, why would they behave better around vulnerable, powerless children? If someone has a history of treating their own children badly, why would they treat someone else’s better?
These are the questions many people struggle with, who end up estranged. I think it boils down to trust. If I can’t trust someone to be decent with me, no way am I trusting them around my kids. My primary responsibility as a parent is their safety and wellbeing. To knowingly introduce someone who has a history of toxic and/or abusive behaviour would be failing my kids.
Of course, a big part of the issue is, so many people don’t realize that their family is dysfunctional until they’re adults, and often parents themselves. So many people, including myself have said, “I looked at my child, remembered what had been done to me at that age, and realized, no, that was abuse.”
In abusive families, the behaviour is so normalized, that it often doesn’t start to become uncovered and recognized for what it is until adulthood, and often, a long term partner or spouse who not only holds up a mirror for the person to examine the situation, but also gives the support and security that enables taking the risk of questioning the norm the person grew up in. It’s actually a very scary thing to do.
Please note, I’m only referring to toxic family relationships, not making a statement about all family estrangement.
