Dating after bereavement

My OH is a widower to a lovely caring man, I’m very lucky, it was an easy decision because we have been acquaintances for many years, so no trust issues.
Finding the right partner is about having similar values and interests, about trusting each other as well having the same libido levels, different intimacy needs breaks many partnerships.

I remarried a widower who was a total gentleman and keeper. No one threw him out and he "remains to be" a great match and "new" life partner for me (6 years). My sister on the other hand has not dated in the past 20 years, is lonely most of the time, trying desperately to hold on to a house that's too big and in need of expensive repairs, too anxious to make a move and getting more and more "stuck" in the life she has. She never took a chance and does a lot of complaining about how life hard is. For better or worse "alone" is sometimes harder than with someone.... sharing the ups and downs, especially if things get tough with health issues as you get older.... is something I've seen lots of people go through. My mother is a fiercely independent 90 y.o. and chose not to date for the last 30 years. She has neighbors that check in on her and as a (retired) nurse, I've taken weeks at a time, several times, when she was hospitalized/rehabbing, to go (10 hours from my home) and be with her. You have choices to make. It's nice that you have a support group to lean on when times get tough. That helps a lot. I chose to love again and be loved with no regrets. I kissed a few frogs though in order to find my prince.

Yes it is hard for some, to make another life with someone else.

Personally it is easy for me having had a lovely long marriage to a kind, thoughtful and practical man. Mentally I am married to him, still and will be until the day I die

I love my life now, have been widowed for 8 years and am entirely responsible for my own decisions, if there is a mess to tidy then it is my mess. If I want to go somewhere then I go

I have had a man in touch too often, widowed last year, had been married to a good friend. I kept him at arms length and I think he now has the message. He was business colleague of my husbands and that is all he was to me.

Any couple is safe with me around, I never need to ask anyone for help as I am good at diy. Unsurprisingly, wives often shield their husbands, as though widows are predators. In my experience, men do not do so well on their own after being widowed

Gundy
I agree with you 100%

onedayatatime, you know exactly how you feel right now - but how can you have a clue about how you'd be if you were widowed? I've been married, divorced, single, remarried, widowed - then in two long-term relationships. You don't remain the exact same person throughout life - so it's good that you recognise there's no right or wrong.

I find it quite depressing - all the comments about other people's choices - the 'too soon', the 'disloyal' etc. I think it's a great compliment to (the memory of) a deceased partner when someone seeks a new relationship. It's never a replacement, it's a totally different experience.

I'm quite happy either living alone, with someone - or just meeting, going out, sharing interests - it all changes over time. Perhaps my children would have preferred me to be the grieving widow for life (from the age of 42) - but I doubt it. Anyway, I'd not prioritise their happiness over mine - and who'd want a miserable mother?

I am answering as a daughter of a bereaved mother. Mum has just recently struck up a coffee date and holidays together in separate hotels - non touch- type romance with an eligible male widower. Only you know if you are ready for anything - even a ‘no strings’ coffee. No one here - or even any of your close friends - can tell you that. An innocent coffee can quickly move forwards into sthg you may not be happy with. I’d say don’t accept the coffee date/meeting until you can see yourself sharing your short/ medium term future - your time - with a significant other. It is completely ok and normal to be upfront and tell coffee suitor that you are not ready just yet to meet a man on a one to one basis. Take the whole thing as a compliment. Clearly you have still ‘got it’. If current coffee suitor moves on .. there will be others. If you feel ready and are interested then go for it. Communicate your boundaries and expectations at any second or third meet up.

I've been separated, then divorced for nearly 20 years. At first I wanted a new relationship but after dipping my toes in the online dating sites realised that most of the men were only interested in one thing! I realised I was fine on my own and still am. Being widowed is different obviously, especially if you were happily married, but people differ. I have friends who seem to struggle with being single but others who are perfectly content. And I have friends who have always been single. The important thing is having friends and companions whatever the gender.

I think there is a distinction between a bereavement, where you are grieving a loved one you probably would want time to settle. On the other hand a divorce you are most likely not to be still in love with your ex so more open to a relationship.

When I divorced at 59 I did not expect any attention from men, then quickly an acquaintance I knew well asked me out, I was shocked and I said let me think about it. 2 minutes later I rang back and said yes, there were no trust issues I knew his background, so why not.

I was naughty I hijacked the date, I took him to the theatre, that turned out a good idea because I’m more outgoing, so I can put ideas into his head

My mother was widowed in her late 50s and, though she occasionally went out for a drink or a meal with a man it was made clear that it wasn't a date!
Then when she was in her late 80s she had a relationship with a lovely man for a couple of years before she died. She never said, but I do wonder if she regretted that it hadn't happened before.
The only time we discussed relationships after being widowed she said that she was absolutely sure that she didn't want to marry again.
It must be a hard choice Aggy21. I'm still married and have also been with my husband since I was a teenager. I can't imagine that I would want to date again, but don't know how I would feel in your shoes.

My opinion, my observations… only after having widowed friends and how they have handled this.
• don’t be afraid to go for coffee - it’s a meet and greet - NOT a full blown date (dinner at night, theater, or a day event that would make you feel obligated)
• keep an open mind. You’ll know after this coffee, or two
• don’t overthink this. He may only be looking for someone to talk to, or friendly companionship
• be aware of red flags. There are men who are looking to take advantage - stalking, cloying/needy, asking for personal information, appearance and cleanliness
• you are in charge. If it’s not going well and you get the heebie-jeebies you can get up and leave. It’s only coffee (but as good a place to start as any)
• you’re looking for kindness, sense of humor, intelligence, morals - or whatever your criteria is. (those are mine)

You can always settle for my preferred philosophy and method - I don’t mind a man in my life, just not in my house. 😃
Enjoy!
USA Gundy

My aunt met her new partner at a bereavement counselling session. It took a long while for them even to go out for coffee. They've been together for many years now, but still talk to each other about their previous partners with a lot of love.

This is my take situation i am and have been happily married for 37 years so far. If I outlive my husband, there is no way on this earth, at this stage of life, that I would want to share my life and home with another person. I would certainly be open to making new friends ,but that is it. Surely, I am the manager of my life, if I make it clear, only friendship, they will get the message. A friend of mine, who in her 30's, ,was left by her husband, has been looking for years ,to find her Mr. Right. She is now in her sixties, got married to Mr. Right, last year, after searching for 30 years! If that same situation had happened to me, I too would have searched for my soul mate. I would never ever want a second Mr.Right. All I need is good friends, my children, doggies to fullfill my life, if i am widowed. Sorry for ranting, but i have given this lots of thought. We are all different, and have different needs, there is certainly no right or wrong, on this subject.

Married 50 years here!
Dear god …isn’t once enough.
Long live singledom!

I’m in the same situation as you Aggy, but further along.

I have grabbed any opportunity to make new friends and greatly value a good number of new male friendships that have come out of random meetings and opportunities.

Vitrually all the chaps I count as new friends now have never made a move on me, and I can’t believe the positivity and how my life has changed with so many new experiences, travel, sports, culture - all as a result of these friendships.

Will still always live alone though 😊
I would say it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, it doesn’t have to be romantic.

I was widowed 18months ago after 50 years of marriage. I couldn’t envisage being in another relationship but I have several male friends and enjoy their company for walking, meeting up for coffee. I have known them a long time as friends and it will stay that way. Enjoy male friendships but be clear about the boundaries.

pinkjj27

I lost my husband a lot longer than you 7 years but grieved for most of that time . I always said I didn’t want anyone else, but I guess as the years have gone on , I have become more open to it. Not that I am actively looking for a man, I am not as I live an active life on my own.
I think relationship can be great but they can also bring lots of changes and you have to be ready or open for that. I go to Zumba, I run, I craft, I belong to sustainability groups, I upcycle I have friends and a family, I have just booked my first ever holiday alone for autumn. My home is very me girly and glittery (not to a man’s taste ) I work full time, I come and go as I please. I am not sure I would want to change or stop any of that to fit a man in.
I have been asked out 3 times in the last year two guys were two young. The last guy (a few weeks ago) ask me if I was dating, I said no so he asked me out anyway, I said I wouldn’t mind going as a friend to which he replied “ I don’t need Viagra its all working down there “ I said “oh too much information” . We clearly were on different pages. Not all men are like that and i would still consider it if i was aked out again by the right person for me if that makes sense. I think for me I would never been looking for what I had with my late husband and i wouldnt live with anyone . I think, if and when the time comes, I will know if its right and so will you. You will know what you want and the pace you want to go at, just be honest with yourself and anyone man in question .

that should say Too young not two young my pc does it own thing too

I lost my husband a lot longer than you 7 years but grieved for most of that time . I always said I didn’t want anyone else, but I guess as the years have gone on , I have become more open to it. Not that I am actively looking for a man, I am not as I live an active life on my own.
I think relationship can be great but they can also bring lots of changes and you have to be ready or open for that. I go to Zumba, I run, I craft, I belong to sustainability groups, I upcycle I have friends and a family, I have just booked my first ever holiday alone for autumn. My home is very me girly and glittery (not to a man’s taste ) I work full time, I come and go as I please. I am not sure I would want to change or stop any of that to fit a man in.
I have been asked out 3 times in the last year two guys were two young. The last guy (a few weeks ago) ask me if I was dating, I said no so he asked me out anyway, I said I wouldn’t mind going as a friend to which he replied “ I don’t need Viagra its all working down there “ I said “oh too much information” . We clearly were on different pages. Not all men are like that and i would still consider it if i was aked out again by the right person for me if that makes sense. I think for me I would never been looking for what I had with my late husband and i wouldnt live with anyone . I think, if and when the time comes, I will know if its right and so will you. You will know what you want and the pace you want to go at, just be honest with yourself and anyone man in question .

Witzend

Same here sweetcakes. 🙂
I’ve often thought that if anything happened to my lovely dh (he’s very fit but it’s increasingly likely now we’re both mid 70s) I’d never want another man - I’d rather get a dog. Someone who’s always delighted to see you, makes you get out for exercise, isn’t a fussy eater, and doesn’t expect you to wash his socks - what’s not to like? 🐶

Ha ha lol, love this, I did exactly that after being with my ex for 23 yrs. My instinct at first was to find someone else but after a few disastrous relationships I realised that I was happy on my own, had great family and friends, got a rescue dog who snored, coughed and farted ( very similar to a husband) could do what I like when I like, have travelled the world and now 20 yrs later I couldn t envisage sharing my space with anyone but my adult kids and grandchildren, it’s very empowering, but you have to do what’s right for you

Sorry for your loss, Aggy21, but as relationships are so personal and specific to the individuals concerned, no-one can actually advise you on what to expect. So yes, people may well describe to you how things have worked out for them with a new relationship after a bereavement, but their personal experience may not actually have any specific relevance to your circumstances, other than as an interesting insight into what happened with that particular couple. You sound to be sensibly relying on your own well-honed instincts just now, and I would suggest you continue to do so. As for whether or not that door will ever open for you again, who knows, but I suspect that if and when it does, you'll know whether or not to walk through it. Some do, and some don't. There's no "correct" answer. Hope it works out for you, whatever transpires.

My dad died 30 years ago. My Mum said from day one that she would never get in to another relationship as nobody could replace my dad. She would forever be comparing a new partner with him and that wouldn't be fair. She's stuck to what she said and when she was propositioned a couple of years after he died she got quite upset and tearful about it saying the thought repulsed her. A uncle of mine however, replaced his wife within 6 months as did my brothers father in law. Each to their own I guess

I was widowed at 50 after a 30 year happy marriage. I remarried 18 months later, and we have now been married over 20 years - happy but a different relationship than my first marriage. Coffee is harmless and dates don’t have to be repeated if you didn’t enjoy yourself.

I so agree Grandtante, but it is not as easy as that, at times. It helped me to think what I would have wanted for my late husband had it been the other way around.

Sweetcakes you don't have to live together in your new relationship. But having someone to share your life with either as a friend, companion or partner is just wonderful. I was married for 48 years and bereaved in 2014, I knew the new man already through a group but declined him for at least 6 months when he asked out for coffee 12months after being bereaved. I eventually gave in, but it took me 2 years plus. to invite him in to my home, that just felt so very disloyal. After 8 years we are still together but living apart, at great benefit to us both, but it is hard at times after a long marriage as you can both be rather set in your old ways. Wishing you a happy future

Aggy21

Feels too soon. Too disloyal. I’d worry that saying yes to coffee could lead to more invitations then possibly on to a relationship which I’m not ready for as yet

This being so you did the right thing turning him down,

If you like him, you could suggest going out just as friends, or you can do so the next time someone asks.

If it feels to soon - it is too soon, but to my mind disloyality does not enter into it - the marriage service states the relationship is "until death do us part,"

If the dead know anything about what we are doing, surely they want us to be happy? Or at least, as happy as we can be without them, as we miss them.

Hi everyone I have a friend who lost her husband at Christmas
and she is going out with an old male friend for coffee and theatre trips already I am sure it is only friendship but I don’t know how to handle this as I think it is to soon but what do I know everyone has to do what they are comfortable with how would you handle this situation? I have not said anything to her wouldn’t dream of it.💐💐