Relationship with DIL

Thanks everyone. It takes time to give advice and I appreciate it. Things have been tense with my DIL for awhile. To answer the questions
1. He had been drinking and ate an edible before I got there.
2. I babysit my two grandkids on Tuesday/Thur
3. He brought up the subject
4. My hypothetical question to his view on transgender children def enraged him. (I was stunned)
5. My DIL told him to “tone it down” several times and that made it MUCH WORSE.
6. For those of you that think we should have a face to face talk, she refuses.

She said “I will not talk to you”. I have vowed not to text with her so here we are.

In hindsight, I 100% agree. His reaction stunned me.

Obviously my son is in the middle. And I hate that. He was there and is on my side but says that if I want a good relationship with her I need to apologize. Refusing to talk other than thru texts which I refuse to do means we are at an impasse.

You are right. I guess I assumed that most adults these days know politics are off limits at family functions. He is 39 years old. And his comment came on the heels of his mother saying Covid is a hoax, to which I replied “well a million people did die” and then I turned away. It’s so hard to hold your tongue in the face of such hate and ignorance.

To be honest I tend to avoid all potentially explosive conversations where people have dye in the wold ideas...politics etc. these conversations never end well because no one ever changes their views so really what's the point of debate especially in a social situation - it makes it very awkward for the by standers. IMO you're both at fault in this particular case..

Oh dear a stray P.

Oh yes apologise.

Say “ I’m sorry my ( leave out, perfectly reasonable) question upset you”.

He is out of order, but not the time or place for heavy conversations, but you weren’t to know the reaction you would get.
P

Agree with Dilly, we don’t know how it played out.

Hithere
I agree that the choice of subject is a bit strange for a child’s party, and maybe with hindsight, Millertime might have been wise to keep out of it, but it seems unreasonable that she’s getting the same treatment as this ranting brother

The polite rule of avoiding discussing politics and religion has been around for a very long time. I think there are plenty of things to discuss without resorting to topics that can be inflammatory to either or both parties.

I don’t we are getting the full story, I think we’d need a description of what was being discussed, who started the conversation and who said exactly what to understand it properly.

At the end of the day, the brother shouldn’t have discussed it and OP shouldn’t have kept it going.

It is going to be difficult never to discuss anything with anybody other than perhaps our own older generation. It was a strange thing to be discussing at a one year olds party but I would just let things lie for a bit and then actually see your DIL face to face. Hopefully her brother will also calm down I wonder why he got so cross?

Sara
"Surely a discussion is exactly that, Millertime wasn’t disagreeing with this person, just asking a question.
Why is it that he can rant and rage, but she is in the wrong for asking one question?"

Rant and rage suggest a heightened stage of emotions
Rage means intense anger
"What if" could be interpreted as challenging the views of the ranting person

Why take the chance of escalating an already tense situation?

I'm sorry but if I had put on a birthday aprty for my one year old and the child's Grandma fell out with my brother during it, I would rightfully take the moral high ground and give both a very wide berth for quite some time and expect fulsome apologies from both. Shocking behaviour at a child's party in someone else's house. It sounds like a scene from a soap opera.

H1954 that’s a bit strong. Because the OP doesn’t get on with her dil doesn’t mean she’s a spoilt, self-centred, small minded brat!

We are hearing a small snippet from their lives from the OP’s perspective. I agree that the brother shouldn’t have brought up politics at a party, but the OP shouldn’t have taken the bait either.

Your stance would be a fast track ticket to falling out with everyone seething and resentful, rather than an adult conversation in real life and working through it.

If the OP doesn’t provide childcare to her son and dil, then she won’t need them before the op needs them.

Best to apologise for OP and only OP’s part of it and move on.

Silence is golden.

Regardless of the topic of conversation at the partyyour DIL and her brother both sound like a pair of spoilt, self-centred, small minded brats. Leave her to stew, she will need you before you need her.

Coming from an army family. We grew up with the army mantra Never discuss politics, religion or women in the mess.

I bite my tongue and say nothing when people say unacceptable things at social functions. It is difficult, but it can be done.

Surely a discussion is exactly that, Millertime wasn’t disagreeing with this person, just asking a question.
Why is it that he can rant and rage, but she is in the wrong for asking one question?
I get that it’s a child’s birthday, but in my experience of childrens party’s, the adults do tend to sit around chatting.

May I ask what the incidents with your dil are?

Where does your son stand?

A what if question when somebody is ranting is not wise.
A what if question to a loaded subject like that is even less wise.

Hi, the discussion and immediate outcome at the party sound like fairly normal family occurrences that unfortunately do take place from time to time. However the actions afterwards might have been avoided.,
Why all the texts, why not phone each other or meet up for a coffee and discuss the matter like two adults and sort it out? It's probably too late to do that now but if either of you had avoided over reliance on texts at outset then you would probably have had a discussion and resolved the matter. Texting can be something to hide behind, making avoiding direct contact easier.

Discussions of gender politics should have been left at home for a one year olds party. That’s both of you at fault, he shouldn’t have brought it up and when he was ranting that would have been a good idea to say excuse me I must pop to the loo, and steer the conversation away from politics on your return.

Was alcohol involved? My son and DH used to get into rows thanks to a mix of booze and DH baiting my son with rubbish he reads in the Daily Mail/Sun and my son taking the bait and reacting angrily every time.

My advice, apologise for your side of it, say that you shouldn’t have entered a discussion with him about it, and broke your own rule about discussing politics at parties. No more is needed to be said, and don’t take blame for all of it, just your share of it.

I know it’s hard apologising but much better than falling out with your dil and by extension your son and gc.
She’ll be upset her brother that she loves, left during what should have been any proud mother’s special day celebrating her daughters 1st birthday, you only get to do that once.

Harris27

I’ve got a dil like this tried everything and ten years on she’s still causing trouble. We all give her plenty of space and less frequent visits. She’s got rid of her brothers in her family and anyone close to her parents. Absolute nut job! Our son just goes along with her but knows the damage she’s done.

Oh Harris27 I know just how you feel my nearly xDIL had me walking on eggshells for nearly 8yrs (remember all you long term GNers the fiasco of the wedding telling me what to wear?) all those years ago well things never improved even though I bit my tounge many times and let her have her own way.
Millartime Surely there is nothing stopping your son bringing littleone to see you on his own it may make you DIL realise what path she is going down.

I’ve got a dil like this tried everything and ten years on she’s still causing trouble. We all give her plenty of space and less frequent visits. She’s got rid of her brothers in her family and anyone close to her parents. Absolute nut job! Our son just goes along with her but knows the damage she’s done.

I just wonder why you were discussing transgender rights at a one year old's first birthday party; she should have been the prime concern of all three of you.