The art of a good conversation!

A couple of weeks ago I had a really restless night so the following day I was constantly apologising for yawning. Then one friend actually asked why I hadn't slept, was I ok, was I worried etc. It then occurred to me that everyone else had told me how badly they slept every night etc . She was the first to check if I was ok

Then there’s those who ramble on…” so last Tuesday.. no wait maybe it was wednesday because I usually go shopping on Monday but I went Wednesday…or was it Thursday…”. Who bloody cares ?!

Lucca

Then there’s those who ramble on…” so last Tuesday.. no wait maybe it was wednesday because I usually go shopping on Monday but I went Wednesday…or was it Thursday…”. Who bloody cares ?!

I have a friend who does this but it’s part of what makes her so endearing. I love her company.

That drives me mad as well Lucca just get on with the story !!

I’ve been severely challenged recently over my propensity to talk about myself, interrupt, generally be self-absorbed. Living on my own doesn’t help, but I recently saw a neighbour slowly closing her door on me which gave me a jolt. I genuinely care about other people, but when there are silences I gabble on to fill them up. Having a word with myself about it.

Have you tried.....
Before I go I must tell you about.....
Or
That reminds me, I must tell you about......
Or
It seems you have a great deal going on, so let me quickly update you on what I've been up to.
If nothing works, nothing will change her, you then maybe need to decide how often, if at all, you feel able to put up with how she makes you feel.
I hope it works out well for you

I have a friend who asks me a question, then when I'm a dozen words in to answering, she waits for a trigger bell from my story, hence goes off into a lengthy story of an experience she's had, thus I'm completely put off. Her responses have usually been told before and I've heard 101 times. Time and time again, this is her pattern! At the end of our coffee time together, she then says "Oh, you didnt say what happened.....etc"!!! She is a nice person whom I like to keep in touch with because of family history but it's the predictability of knowing that she will always interrupt me to give her story, that I get uptight about each time we meet.

I read somewhere that CS Lewis said of his friend WH Auden at Oxford that YOU COULD NEVER TELL HIM ANYTHING because it only REMINDED HIM OF SOMETHING HE ALREADY KNEW!
Anobody have friends like that? ! I definitely have!

The vast majority of people are Selfish!

They also think they are more important than anyone else: hence the need to constantly talk about themselves and their own families etc.

Unfortunately, I know some of these people and try to avoid them.

Also, a lot of them suffer from verbal diarrhoea.

To get back to OP. The best conversationalist I knew was an unmarried lady who died aged 94. She lived on her own but was genuinely interested in everyone. She asked how all the family individually was doing. She remembered what schools and classes they were in and what stages in education there were at. She never gossiped and if there was a lull in the chat she would brightly ask how the garden was doing. We had afternoon tea in the old fashioned way. It was uplifting to visit her and NEVER a chore!

I have or should say had a friend like this. She used to talk at me for ages telling me all her woes. It took me ages to realise that this is what she did to everyone. She was never interested in others. It's quite sad really

I think Covid has affected people as when I phone some friends to see how they are I find they seem to talk non stop,lonely I guess,anyway I feel I must be helping them,some we have the usual laughs ( they are the ones that don’t discuss their health)

Some people on here have obviously been hurt or felt sidelined by people who have neglected to show an interest in them when the expectation was that they ought to have been interested. That feeling of inconsequence is very hard for people who are denied a voice.

I’m regarded as a very good listener, but I’m often asked about my life as people find it, as one of my foster sons said recently, like a soap opera! After catching up on my stuff I then invite them to talk and I often have to cajole them because they say their lives are tame compared to mine. I don’t agree, we all have things going on in our lives that are important to us and therefore worth speaking about to people who care for us.

I’ve just made a phone call to a neighbour who asked me how I am as she hasn’t seen me about for months. I asked if she wanted the short or the long version and she replied that she had time to listen, so I gave her a potted account of my recent events and concluded with the query that I’d called her about. On this occasion I didn’t ask about her as I was stressed from recounting my tale, but I know that she will understand.

I have recognised that sometimes I can be bit like this so I am making a real effort to ask about other people's lives. It is quite interesting how often they don't actually ask back so I realise that I am far from alone!

It is so boring listening to people talking about every moment of their life in every conversation, one friend constantly tells me about her life from birth, I’ve heard it a thousand times. She hasn’t got dementia just obsessed with the past. She is a nice person I think but I don’t phone her now because of it, then she rings me and I hear it all again. I could walk away and come back in an hour and she wouldn’t know I had not been listening. I just can’t hurt her feelings by saying anything though. Every time i get to see her she says I’m so down and proceeds at great length to tell you why. She missed me going into hospital and said I hadn’t told her but she talked over the conversation as she wasn’t listening. I do find a lot of people don’t enquire how I am and if they do, wait for a breath to be taken and tell you of their experience of a similar experience they have had..

A good conversation is like a gentle game of tennis, patting the ball from one side of the net to the either but never out of reach or hit too hard.

I like the comment that as we have 2 ears and only 1 mouth we should endeavour to listen twice as much as we talk!

I normally say, well that is enough about me, how are you?

I think people who tell you of their similar experiences are telling you that you are not alone. It’s intended to be sympathetic, and not a bad thing in my view.

A very good friend of ours rang to tell us her husband has passed away peacefully. Straight away she asked about our daughter who has been unwell. So concerned and genuine asking questions not just thinking of herself. This to me is a real friend who thought of our daughter and how we are coping. I have a few close friends who are priceless I am lucky to have them.
I have known people who unloaded their troubles to anyone who would listen and walked on. I realise with hindsight everyone has troubles some more trivial than others. Selfish people however who talk only about themselves. I listen and give a little time then make my excuses lending an ear isn’t so bad now I am more patient.

Some people don't want to listen they just want to talk usually about themselves.

Ha ha unfortunately all this rings so true. I worked with a lady whose first name began with E. all the girls in the office nicknamed her “Educational”. You couldn’t say anything without her giving you a lecture on what you should do now. By the way, how are you today……….,,???

We have a friend who is larger than life and has a propensity to dominate a conversation, but he is so entertaining that listening to him is a pleasure and not a chore. I don’t think a boring word has ever come out of his mouth. I think as some people get older, though, they lose their empathy. DH is very ill and a very good friend of ours phones often to find out how he is; laments the fact that she can do nothing to help (that’s fine) and then, every time, gives me a very detailed account of how her brother in law is on his last legs, can do nothing for himself and is deteriorating daily (that’s not fine!). I make sympathetic noises while my heart is sinking. Ill judged to say the least, but she is such a lovely person I think she would be horrified to realise what is going on in my head, but she just doesn’t think these days. Good job I love her to bits or I would be tempted not to answer the phone.

So sorry tanith- a couple of years ago, I lost the best friend anyone could ever have. I miss her so much, especially now that I am going through a bad patch. The rest of my friends are lovely but not the listening or advising type.

We were brought up to never interrupt an adult and wait our turn to speak .That usually works well and its how my children and GC were brought up from they started speaking,My pet hate is small childen who yell at their parents when they are talking and then pull at their clothes when they aren't acknowledged right away.
Its not so easy with an adult who either does that ,interrupts and talks over you or who doesn't say much so you end up having a conversation with yourself .
My lovely dad used to tell us we should learn a wee bit about a lot of things so that when the "small talk" ran out we could enquire about aspects of other folks hobbies etc .Consequently my kids call me the oracle because I know a lot of useless information.