Friend moved without telling me

My sister and brother in law moved from near us to Devon a few months ago. I have twice asked her for her address (so that I could send her a card) but she has ignored my requests. She never asks about my family (two daughters and seven grandchildren). She has no children herself. We are worlds apart politically. I think our relationship has run its course.

Thanks Judy

No Kestrel you are absolutely not a bad friend, don't ever put yourself down. You have done your best to stay in touch and show care and consideration which in my book makes you a very good friend.

We are still corresponding via email as usual - family news/worries/concerns and she has told me all about the bereavements (both in the last 6 months). Even when we lived a few miles apart we corresponded by email inbetween meeting up for coffee/lunch etc. I didn't ask if she had got the card just waited and she emailed a day later to thank me for it, then details of house renovations/what she's been doing/how she's feeling etc. It may well be that I'm a bad friend. I'll certainly try harder in future. Thanks to all for your input.

Yes your friend is going through a difficult time Kestrel just wait and see how things pan out. A friend I have known for many years moved hundreds of miles away and although not able to see each other we kept in touch. That is until she phoned and berated me out of the blue saying she knew that I have never liked her and was not sure that she wanted to be friends anymore. My response was I accept that is your choice why would you want to be friends with someone you think has never liked you. Never spoken to each other since.

Maybe she needs more time to understand herself. But you should move forward!

If I’ve read your post correctly (maybe not) you were friends for about 2 years before you moved, and you’ve been occasionally in touch since then. You sent a sympathy card then got in touch to find out if she got it as you knew she’d moved. To your friend it may look like you got in touch using the sympathy card as a reason to censure her for not telling you her new address. Add that to the fact that you didn’t find time to visit when you were in the area, plus she has so much grief in her life right now, she’s probably reassessed this friendship. If you were friends longer before you moved she might have looked at it differently. I think it might be better to just let this lady go, there doesn’t seem to be a reason to pursue this friendship.

From your friend's point of view she had two bereavements and you didn't find time to visit her when you were in the area. She may have been terribly hurt and thought you were the one ending the friendship.

Well Socks, the friend wasn’t at the top of her list when it came to visiting people in the area where the OP previously lived. That’s just a fact.

The OP said herself that she ran out of time. So she decided where to allocate the time she had and it wasn’t with this friend, it was with other people.

I don’t see the OP as thoughtful. I see her as the thoughtless one and quite cavalier with this friend, Oh I didn’t have time for you. Sorry. Sorry.
And then not, “My friend is having a dreadful time”, but a very self centred “She’s upset me now.”

Maybe it’s just been one time too many that she’s treated this friend in this way.

We had so called “friends” who we had known for 15 years or more. We had watched each other’s children grow up. Been on holiday with them and we were both very fond of them as a couple.
Then one Christmas we noticed they had not sent us a Christmas card, thinking that they may have joined the “oh we don’t send Christmas cards we make a donation to charity bunch. We never said anything to them about the absent card, on New Year’s Eve I telephoned them to wish them happy new year. When the women said “ oh thank you for your Christmas card did you receive ours” I knew then she was telling lies they never sent the card. They have never contacted us since neither have we them. Good riddance. We never had any disagreements or upsets. I’m still annoyed how they just cut us off. We have since learned from others they are known for doing to “ friends”.

No you're not thick I think you are more thoughtful of other people than they are of you. Friendships can be very difficult and one sided at times. Think of this as your friends loss and not yours and move on. All the best for the future and to making new friends

Keep in touch! Does she have a mobile phone number? That won't have changed. I am loving being in touch with some people that I have not seen or heard from for years. We need our friend.

Let her know if you are ever her way that you would like to see her.

I left a city for a new wonderful country home, during the very busy period for house purchases prior to July, and for a number of reasons hardly told anyone until a few days before, once contracts had been exchanged. One "friend" asked me what I was going to do for "culture". Seriously? Now a very EX friend.

If there is no reason for falling out, then keep going gently especially if you got on really well. I love meeting up with friends I have a history with!

I agree with Bluebelle and effalump.

Severe depression can also make a person cut themselves off from other people. This may be because trying to keep upbeat with friends after suffering a bereavement is very draining, and this lady has had two bereavements.

I would give her one more chance.letters can get lost and she has had two bereavements too to deal with.someone mentioned alzheimer'...she could be depressed too and have no energy

I enjoyed reading all these replies. Lots of common sense which I will remember when needed - and I’m sure it will be needed sometime.

She clearly doesn't want you to have her new address. I should just let it go and see if she gets in touch some time in the future. There may be things going on in her life that she is struggling with so give her some space.

This kind of thing happens all the time, and I never feel it is a big deal. We've made friends all over the world from out stints living abroad - still in touch with some 43/44 years on, but lost touch totally with others. Same for school friends - I see about 12 girls I began school with in 1962, but I haven't a clue about the two who were my best friends back then. Work colleagues and old neighbours the same. We just all move on in different directions, and it becomes exhausting to keep up with everyone.

It was the remark "she wasnt high ip on your priorities was she" that I meant. Unless I've mis-read it

From what you have said , you aren't close friends. You're more like long time knowing people. Christmas / birthday cards , but not much else
I don't understand from what you said about your relationship , why you'd be as upset as you've posted ?

Just let it go,you always know where your true and treasured friends are even if it’s the other side of the world.
Keep the happy memories,you have tried.

Just to throw another perspective into the mix…

My Mother died nine years ago. Her death was absolutely terrible, she suffered awfully and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I was the first in my group of friends to lose a parent and whilst my friends were very sympathetic they didn’t really understand. I dropped off the face of the earth and stopped seeing anyone other than my immediate family. With hindsight I was clearly suffering from depression and my failure to recognise this and get support meant that it took a long time to get back on an even keel. I lost some friends because of this. One I bitterly regretted and I wrote to apologise and explain three or four times. I had written the friendship off when out of the blue she got back in touch. We never really discussed it and I suspect that she too had experienced a bereavement and had gained a different perspective. I was happy not to take over the coals and we are now in touch again on a regular basis and are arranging to meet up. My point being to leave the door ajar. Good luck and I hope you find some resolution ?

I think you may have misunderstood me Socks.?

Her mind could be all over the place is what I’ve been saying all along.

I dont agree with Peasblossom. Things happen we all get older and some of us have more upset in our lives regularly. I'd love to have nothing crop up. Your friend maybe losing it if u know what I mean. We wondered about someone and later we found out they had start of alzheimer's. Give her time, her mind could be all over. Dont beat yourself up. Life isnt smooth.

I'm going to be practical here, with my ex-Royal Mail head on!

You are only allowed a redirection for 2 years, by then RM expect you to have notified everyone of your new address, so don't rely on the redirection service for too long.

However, ALWAYS put your address on the back of the envelope. If RM get the letter back from the old address marked "gone away" or similar, they will send it back to you and you will know your friend hasn't received it, and is not just ignoring you.