So sorry to hear about your difficult situation. You are the same sort of age as I am, but my difficult husband took himself off several years ago. I do have experience of my father breaking his hip and expecting my mum who was at that time over 90 to do all the looking after. Thank heavens she did, in the end, get carers sorted out as she found herself in the hospital herself, with an injury sustained while caring for him.
I would say that it would be sensible all-around to get both his care needs assessed and your needs assessed. And a benefits check, are you entitled to anything because of looking after him. And is he entitled to a blue badge? That can make things a lot easier even just going to the doctor or the hospital. Does he need a stairlift, special chair, loo seat , caddy for his zimmer, etc while these must have been checked when he was discharged home is this still enough? Sit down and think through what he expects you to do and what he actually needs. Doesn't sound as if he needs your company to does it. He may want you to do things for him but could do them himself. What [apart from not having the old curmudgeon around the place] would make life better for you, what do you need to give up to skivvy around him. Don't give up helping our daughter or your dog, you need to have something for yourself. Would it help to have a cleaner, a gardener, or to have more ready prepared meals for times you are busy? Go for whatever it takes, it will be much cheaper than a home.
No, you can't unilaterally put him in a home, if he has his faculties. You also can't force him to go today centres or anything like that, although the community nurse or social services might be able to persuade him to go, for his health's sake, I visit one in normal times and the old guys sit together, b choice, and play dominos etc, but it sounds as if he would not enjoy that either. But you could unilaterally get carers.
But you don't need to be his nursemaid. Honestly, if my now ex-husband had needed care he would have been similar to yours, although the age gap was not that great and it would have been an absolute nightmare and am so glad I won't be in that situation. He never helped me when I had problems at all, even when for instance, I had a nasty burn on my hand and needed to keep it dry, I still had to do the washing up, I could keep it dry but it was painful to put the hand in warm water, no help with washing either, or other things that were harder because of my hand being bandaged up, for example, I had to be at death's door before I could rely on any help from him with anything throughout our marriage if I was poorly or injured.
At this point, you have to consider that if you did divorce, would take both your needs into account, and he would obviously have lots of needs, and you probably would face criticism for abandoning him, even though his behaviour is so very unreasonable. But you yourself need an assessment as a carer for someone with these additional needs
Does his child or children keep in touch with him, would he listen to them [I assume not] but are you in a good enough relationship with them to discuss things?
Your story is really a good reason why no one should stay in an unhappy marriage
