Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

I remember a wise gransnetter once saying our children are more important to us than we are to them.

I am sorry your husband was so hurt and upset.We have a few members of our family who love to receive gifts and cards but who never say thank you and who never send cards or gifts themselves.

I would suggest on your DD’s birthday no card or gift or if you feel that is too much just send a card and if she queries why no gift say oh I didn’t think we celebrated adult birthdays.

My MIL reminds us before every family birthday and always has even though we don’t need reminding!

Phrases like "passive-aggressive", "respecting boundaries" and "narcissistic" are all the rage now - take a peek at Mumsnet.

This sort of cod psychology simply consists of slapping a random label on someone when they do something that you do not like - in this case pointing out that a birthday was forgotten. It was your DD who got it wrong and the label is just a way of shifting the blame.

I cannot help wondering whether there is some strain in your relationship with her in other ways. I know if this happened in my family, I would not mention it, but know that when the penny dropped with them they would be mortified.

To be honest I do not think there is anything you can do, except accept that she does not remember or acknowledge birthdays - if you do not expect her to, then you will not be let down. Each of my adult children are good/bad at different things, and we have to accept that.

I have been known to forget birthdays - even when they are in my diary - I guess that I become habituated to the name on that date when I am flipping through and simply stop noticing it. But no-one is offended because they know I love them all. This is what makes me wonder if there is some other on-going strain in your relationship with your DD.

I am sorry that your OH felt let down.

Way to go Pumpkinpie?
I hope you have a lovely evening with your DH & who knows your DD might just surprise you.

I'm saddened that your DD actions have upset your OH. One of my sisters had a similar situation amongst a blended family. One of her sons would 'forget' her new partners birthday regularly. She would bite her tongue, never mention it but secretly seethe about it. The son always claimed that he forgot, but he never forgot his in-laws birthdays oddly enough!

One year, she created a calendar for the son using one of the online companies where you can add your own photos and customise it. On each date where a family birthday or celebration fell she marked the day. At the beginning of every month she entered a note 'Buy cards for xxxx'. She made sure to add the sons wife, all their children and extended family.

She only had to do this for one year, the son always made the effort after that.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and wisdom . It helped just to know that I wasn’t being a ‘drama queen “ about this
But today’s another day & I can’t let things like this hurt me
Hop that sounded convincing
Planning on making a special tea for my Husband when he gets home from work to cheer him up x
Thanks everyone again x

Sorry that your DH has been affected by your daughter’s thoughtlessness by not acknowledging his birthday. It does hurt. I would not bring it up with her as she has justified her actions in her own mind and will be defensive. It’s easy for AC to make you feel bad by saying you are PA. I would not mention anything to her but concentrate your efforts on your grandchildren and their birthdays etc. Your daughter is well aware of what she is doing - family life and being busy are excuses. We must remember that all families don’t think like ourselves and values change, particularly when they get a partner or marry. Try not to take her actions to heart going forward.

I agree with Fanny and Oopsadaisy.
Accusing you of being passive-aggressive because you reminded her about her Dad’s birthday is itself passive-aggressive.
Of course that doesn’t mean you haven’t been passive-aggressive over other things.
We don’t know the back-story to all this but I suspect it could be about more than your DD just not ‘doing’ birthdays.
My instinct, having made known to her my anger and her father’s disappointment, would be to quietly ignore her until she made some conciliatory effort, like apologising for forgetting his birthday.

It’s always possible though that she simply forgot what day it was and rings him today instead. It’s sometimes wise to give people the benefit of the doubt.

believe

I've never once forgotten, or otherwise, my parent's birthday's and don't belive your daughter did either.

I think she just couldn't be bothered and accusing you of being PA is an excuse. I wouldn't pander to her by reminding her next year; she'll see through it and accuse you again. Send gifts to the GC, but I would forget hers next year.

Sometimes you have to be tough with people to make them think twice, as sounds to me like your DD doesn't think she needs to bother about you.

for you.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh, it was because I genuinely feel so sad for you and your husband.
Like a pp, I felt a bit teary at the thought of his sadness.

Re 'passive aggressive'. Sounds a bit pot / kettle to me.
To my mind, ignoring a parent or other close family member on their birthday is the very model of being PA.

It's outrageous and unforgivable.
As you can see I take quite a hard line on this!
Bugger 'passive aggressive', if I were you I'd be 'aggressive aggressive'.
If I was guilty of not acknowledging my dad's birthday my mother would have made my life not worth living, and rightly so.

Sorry, I read he is her father.

Some people are huge on birthdays, others are not

However, there is something else in this case - your dd already mentioned she perceived you as passive aggressive. That is not a good thing and could be causing friction.

Unless an adult makes the request to be reminded of birthdays and important dates, it is not a good idea to say when somebody bday is AND expect that person to call the bday person.

An adult can easily make a calendar of birth dates and make a call, send a card, etc - IF this is in the adult's priority list.

What happened after last year, when she first skipped your husband's bday? Did you call her?

Is your dh her father?

There is not one valid set of family values, everybody has their own standard.
She may value family in a different way compared to your way.

This is so sad.I do give a jokey reminder to my AC,though they do always remember.As a parent we don't want fuss or elaborate gifts,but a simple text or call makes the world of difference,especially during a Pandemic! I'm sad for your DH.I have and would never forget my parents birthdays,sadly we never know which year is the last one,and then having to live with the regret of not making an effort

I am sorry Pumpkinpie, sounds like she gets defensive because secretly she knows she is in the wrong.

I hope you can go for a family meal when everywhere is open again.

We have tried to make his birthday special but he looked so sad and hurt when he said he thought she might have rung.

I have reminded her in the past about family birthdays . She gets angry & later says that I’m passive aggressive. I saw her earlier in the week so she knew about her grandads 90th birthday & her dads . She even drives close to her grandads when she’s working.
I tried to bring her up to value family but I feel as if I’ve failed. I think lockdown has shown the cracks in relationships

I think the question is did she forget, or did she think it was just not worth remembering, I imagine only you can answer that one. If she is forgetful and busy, then a reminder in future years would solve the problem, but from what you write, I might suspect she doesn't see any need to remember your birthdays, and gets cross when it is intimated that she should.

In that case any attempt to guilt trip her by saying your husband was hurt will only be met with antagonism. Perhaps you could suggest a meal out together when restaurants open again. If you can get to see them on a regular basis, choose a moment when she is relaxed to say something along the lines of 'I know we are silly old fools, forgive us, but remembering our birthdays means such a lot to us. It may be daft, but it feels like a kind of rejection when we don't receive a card, though I am sure you don't mean it to. Then a couple of weeks before the next one, start talking about your plans for the day, to make sure she knows when it is. It hurts not to receive even a text, but if you put her back up and alienate her, it will hurt so much more.

So sorry Pumpkinpie - your last line about your husband’s disappointment made me want to cry - really. I’m also one who loves bdays - I make a song and dance if any bday is forgotten. Once, I jumped the gun and was so cross that no one had rung me on the morning of my bday. The kids were actually planning to surprise me later, which they did. I still feel bad about that. Happy Birthday Mr P ???

It's thoughtless Pumpkinpie and I understand why you and your H are upset.

I wonder how she'd feel if you forgot hers.

As your DD didn’t send her father a card last year, I would have phoned her last week to remind her.
However, by now I would have made a phone call to her telling her how upset her Dad was and I’m afraid I wouldn’t have been very understanding.

I’m sorry it has hurt you both especially your husband. I sometimes get forgotten too. I have to remind myself it’s not easy out there in the working world. So many pressures and commitments to uphold. Also children to care for. perhaps with covid lockdown and all the pressures that brings it slipped her mind. I think I tend to expect too much from my son sometimes I expect him to think of me as I think of him. This is impossible as our love for each other is so different. A mother’s love is unconditional a child’s love will go to their spouse and children first. That’s not to say they don’t care because they do they are just trying to live their lives like we did at that stage of our lives. Chin up it will soon be summer and lockdown over a late birthday party for your husband perhaps. Stay safe.

I'd be upset as well on your husband's behalf if I were you.
Does your daughter acknowledge or thank you for the cards or presents you send for their birthdays?
How would you normally celebrate when we're not in a lockdown?

Your poor husband, I am sorry. I always feel reaching another birthday is a special day and should be a happy one.

I am sure she is very busy and it has just slipped her mind with the pressure of lockdown/home schooling etc, but I would let her know she has missed it for the second year running and her Dad was hurt. I see no reason not to be truthful, and I'd offer to remind her next year.