Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

If it were me, I would be surprised but not hurt. Being hurt is a waste of time - the only one it effects is you. My daughter is completely on the ball, my son not so much! My daughter makes sure he knows well in advance of any forthcoming reasons to celebrate!!!

I agree with Fanny on this. I think you should tell her just how disappointed and upset her father was, and she should definitely apologise. A quick phone call or dropping off a small gift only takes a few minutes compared with the years that her father has cared for her. She knows she is in the wrong that's why she's being nasty about it.

I usually send text reminders to our sons about their father's birthday and their siblings, and cards or phone calls are received on time. Men are usually less organised about these things.

So much going on at the moment maybe it just slipped her mind ......I haven't heard from my daughter for 13 years.....its her life, I have no idea why ...but as long as she is happy (I hope ) then I am happy for her ...............never did have much concern if I received a card or not .......she may have been thinking of her dad on the day .........these are difficult times and we have to understand that !

My God, don’t we pussyfoot around our so-called adult kids, sometimes? My daughter loves birthdays (Valentine’s Day, Christmas, dogs’ birthdays) so I am very fortunate that she makes a massive fuss around every possible event. But in the past she has said or done things that have hurt me deeply, and if I have ever remonstrated in a diplomatic way, then I am being passive aggressive (a much overused and misunderstood expression, to my mind).
I would be hurt by this, and I would have to tell her in no uncertain terms. Or I’d ask her if she wanted to forget birthdays from now on? Like her birthday, her kids’ birthdays? Would she just prefer to not bother any more? Break the chain, so to speak? Yep, I’d show her how to really do passive aggressive. You sound lovely. I am sure Mr P had a lovely birthday with you. Sod them. Xx

Our Generation have an anticipation of how our children should act - and it is lovely if they meet our expectations.
However life has been so hard lately - I think we could forgive any behaviour this year - and put it down to the pandemic.
Next time it is her birthday - you could drop a little hint - that is nice to acknowledge your parent's birthdays too......
This year I am giving "everyone" the benefit of the doubt!!

Pumpkin pie, I feel the same as you , I find it really hurtful when they don’t bother . I, like you don’t want a fuss or an all day bash ! Just a card a text a call that’s it ... But the young are so wrapped up in there own importance !.. but I bet if the shoe was on the other foot ?? they would have a melt down ...... I wish your husband a Very Happy Birthday!... and so many more .... ?....

I can see both sides now as I have moved closer to my daughter I can see how stressed she is working from home, four children and a husband who has to work away during the week
I think it’s amazing that she remembers everyone’s birthdays and I wouldn’t blame her if she forgot
Although secretly I would be a little disappointed.

For what it's worth I would be very unhappy if my birthday was forgotten. It happened twice. Once, my mother, I am an only child, forgot. She was so mortified that it was actually funny and she had genuinely forgotten.
Second time, busy household two young teenage children and busy husband. They noticed that evening that I was rather quiet. My daughter said are you o.k? Mum. I said does anyone know what date it is?
More mortification, the look of horror on their faces is actually really funny. All was made up for the next day.

If she called me passive aggressive I'd say no dear, I'm being aggressive aggressive ?

I thought when i saw headline it was your own and was going to say maybe she's going to put everything together for mothers day, which is only next week- early this year- but then read it was her dads so seems highly unlikely then..i would ring her later and tell her how disappointed he was, asking her if she wants a quick word with him? It may be this year she's got days/dates confused& thinks its today- but I'd also ask her if she's going to forget mothers day on sunday as well?! Maybe as an adult she now believes you both are not bothered about 'special' days, particularly her dad?- let her know this is not the case.And ask her if thats because she & her hubby arent too bothered now? If she says they're not then just a token phone call next time for them not a present.or a card.

No excuses for forgetting a parents birthday in my eyes. You can get cards and even a present come to that in a supermarket at the minute, even a box of chocs would show you were thinking of them. They would probably be peeved if you forgot any of theirs.

If she was my daughter she could call me passive-aggressive or anything else she liked.

It would not stop me from telling nicely that her father was very hurt indeed that she had forgotten his birthday AGAIN.

I don't think you could accidentally forget the same birthday twice running!

I haven’t read all the comments, so I hope I’m not repeating someone else’s.
Almost everyone has a mobile phone these days, and reminders can be set up for appointments, birthdays etc. There is no excuse for being too lazy and inconsiderate to wish your loving father a happy birthday.
This world is divided into takers and givers, and she is obviously a taker.
If she can’t be bothered to even send a message then I would think twice about acknowledging her birthday. Maybe she doesn’t think that adult birthdays are worth celebrating. Her father has every right to be upset., and so do you.

Drop it. Be the better people. She is self centred and not bothered so don't send her cards either, just to the grandchildren. Let her find out (eventually) that you had a lovely day out to celebrate her dad's birthday and she missed out. My husband and I (for years) used to wait for the cards, the calls, now we just get on with it and plan a nice day for each other or with friends. Maybe she is busy, maybe she forgets, maybe she is just plain selfish. Too bad, her loss, she misses an opportunity to have an enjoyable day with you both

I know it won't make any difference to the hurt you are both feeling, but can I just say
Happy Birthday Mr Pumkinpie.

Several years ago dh and I were buying our first house together. On moving day we were so excited we completely forgot it was also jis mum's birthday! He remembered in the evening and hurriedly ordered flowers and phoned her full of apologies. He has never forgotten it and, I think still feels bad to this day.

What is she like about her own birthday? Does she expect it to be a special day or is she not too bothered! Do you get on well normally?

In the past I’ve had to remind the children about their Father’s birthday. A card or call or both has given him such pleasure and I’ve never told him they had to be prompted. But enough is enough and luckily as they’ve become older they’ve also become more thoughtful. It’s unforgivable not to acknowledge a parent’s birthday in some inexpensive way. Daffodils are £1 at most shops.

I bet your DD has a mobile phone with a calendar app on it. No excuse to forget as reminders from the calendar can pop up and at least a phone call can be managed if it's a last minute reminder. You could ask if she does have this facility on her phone and suggest it's a good way to remember important dates like her Dad's birthday.

Shame, it's sad. Maybe "forget" her birthday a couple of times and see what reaction you get.. best of luck.

Yeh don’t be passive aggressive, be aggressive, she’s heartless - tell her so. Don’t be scared of her.

Azalea99

FannyCornforth has said it all! Well done.

Ooh, I say, thank you!
But as you can see above, I still had a bit more to add

TanaMa

Sorry to sound unsympathetic, but in today's World when we don't know when anything will ever be 'normal' again and families struggling with no job or no home, I find being upset about the lack of a birthday card as very childish. If it was a child who had not had a birthday card I could understand it - but a grown man - or woman. If that was all I had to worry about I would thank my lucky stars.
However, it is as well we are not all the same!

On the contrary, it's actually at harsh times like this that small kindnesses mean so much more.
She should have done more.
It's lazy at best.

FannyCornforth has said it all! Well done.

Have you asked your DD straight out if your husband has done something to upset her? Nobody really has the right to be angry with her about missing a Birthday or two without knowing the full facts. Your husband may not have even realise he has upset her and maybe he should ask her whether she has a problem with him. It is not passive aggressive to tell someone they are being hurtful but it is probably better to ask why they feel that way. You can be explicit with your language but you don't have to be angry.
My DH's boys often forget their father's Birthday but he doesn't mind quite as much them being over busy as the cursory bottle of beer he doesn't drink that he got for Xmas from the one who is earning better money than he ever did especially when he has always been so generous to his son. It isn't the size of the gift, it is the total lack of thought.