Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

I think it’s thoughtless and unkind when our ac don’t make an effort with a card or any form of contact. No excuse about busy working mums how hard is it to send a card or make that call. Sending hugs

Absolutely no excuse unless they've had some unforgiveable falling out that nobody knows about.
I really wish I could say one thing to your daughter. The 6th March was the 26th anniversary of my Dad's death. Luckily we'd always been close and nothing on God's Earth would have made me 'forget' his birthday. I can't begin to say what I'd give to be able to still even send him a card and I'd respectfully suggest your daughter gets over herself and writes her Dad a letter apologising for her utter selfishness. Nothing will ever replace the two years she's missed but she needs to build bridges NOW, or look forward to a lifetime of regret, when he's no longer there to smile at her and tell her it's ok he knows she's busy. Which I have no doubt, he'd do.
Good luck with her. Sounds like you need it.

I always tell the children that their father's birthday is co ming up. If she says you are being passive aggressive when you remind her, well, then, so be it... you aren't.

Sorry Pumpkinpie but I find it hard to believe that your daughter would forget the date of her own father's birthday especially two years running. Maybe if you conveniently forgot her birthday one year it would make her realise just how selfish she comes across.

I really hate expressions like ‘passive-aggressive’. I’m afraid I think your DD is just being bad mannered, and thoughtless. I think that it’s irrelevant whether some people ‘do birthdays’ or not! If she expects you to remember hers and her families, then she is an adult and should make sure she remembers the other people in the family. Nobody is that busy they can’t manage a card or a 5 minute phone call.

This happened to me several years ago. My son forgot my big 2:times in a row. Then, one year we had celebrated Xmas early as his dad ( we are divorced) was going to be in town for Xmas. I was hurt that he didn't text on Xmas. All of this festered and later came to blows. I requested a get together to talk ( pre covid) there was more to discuss be then the forgotten bday, but I brought it up as part of a general lack of appreciation. He said bdays weren't important to him. I told him it didn't matter. What mattered was that being remembered at least with a text was very important to me!
I can't understand how this is passive aggressive? It is telling your daughter is it is important to you and her husband.
Clearing the air improved my relationship with my son and I always get at least a text on my birthday. I wish they remembered my husband of 14 years but they don't and I let that one slide:-)
I think if you don't talk to her about it it will come out in other ways. I think asking a loved one for what we need is a good thing.

I think the point about is it only her father's birthday she ignores is a good one. Could there be any back story there? You also say she does more for her grandparents than her parents...more back story?

The same happened to me two weeks ago it was my bd and I only wanted a card but didn't get one. Maybe she's forgotten all the boxes of food I bought her through the pandemic and all the other things I bought her and no I didn't buy to receive. It hurts

I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands hurt. I have always remembered my parents birthdays because that is a priority for me. I have reminded my children to send a greeting in advance. Now I have lost both of my parents and I'm so glad my values were the way they were as I have no guilt. I'm afraid for your daughter when this happens. I have seen how upset it has made others when they didn't appreciate what they had while they were still here. Tbh I was a busy parent and spouse but I still made sure I remembered. No excuses

I don't always get cards from do but if I do I call it a bonus family never thank me for cards and present I once ask the reply was if I have to I would rather you not send them I always phone on birthday s but never phone me on mine family eh

It’s sad, it’s thoughtless.
A card says someone cares, someone has thought about you.

It feels so sad when this happens , probably just forgotten . However , it is upsetting and a bit thoughtless . As it is the second year it has happened , I would have a quiet word with her just along the lines of’ we were surprised not to catch up with you yesterday what with it being dads birthday is everything ok ? Keep it lighthearted , not accusing in any way. My son used to forget Mother’s Day purely from forgetfulness so now we have a jokey arrangement that I call him to let him know. The date!! Hope you will
Both feel better... adult children can be a bit wrapped up in themselves sometimes xxx

There is no excuse about her being ‘busy’ I’m sure that we can all remember ‘back in the day’ before technology made our lives easier.
Not only did we all work, look after our children, go out and get all of our own shopping, (I went by bus as we didn’t have 2 cars, )but we all made notes on calendars of important family dates, we then went to the shops and bought cards and wrapping paper, another shop to stand and queue for a gift, then off to queue at the Post Office to buy a stamp to post it! And your family still expected a visit on the day.....
So don’t tell me that people these days are ‘too busy’.

I understand you are upset and I feel for you. Our daughter has never forgotten but I know several parents who this happens to. There are some lovely people on here who are giving reasons. Personally I don't think there's any excuse unless there has been a rift.
They are busy or broke. You can buy a card for less than 50p. Even though card shops are closed you can buy a card in the supermarket.

I would be very very angry if my daughter forgot her father's birthday especially as it hurt him so much. We bring our children up showing them the right thing to do. Maybe you should forget her next birthday and see how she likes it.

If your daughter actually cared a bit, she would have made the effort to remember his birthday. That’s why it’s hurtful - because it says clearly she can’t be bothered. I would ask her if she agrees to mutually not do birthdays anymore. Then if you like, just do it for the children.

Sorry you have inconsiderate ACs. It was my birthday yesterday and my sons never forget. They made me so happy yesterday. I said I didn't want any gifts when they asked me a few weeks before. My younger son therefore painted my fence and shed, it now looks brand new. My older son painted my utility room and covered the stains made by a previous water leak. I was so proud and grateful to them. I live alone and am partially disabled due to a stroke. My lovely daughter in law baked me a beautiful chocolate cake. with candles. plus some lovely flowers and waited on me, socially distanced all day.
I'm sorry for anyone who gets forgotten by their children on their special day, but so glad mine never forget mine.

I feel upset for you and your husband.
Just a card and a small pressie through the door and a wave at the window would have done.
We are all in difficult times and something to show we still exist is rather special.
I have one who always does and one who is random likewise the pressies they send.
Continue to send their presents. I do Iwill not be pulled down to their thoughtless self-important level, Act with family manners as you always have done.

Yep, I may be a little disappointed but certainly not hurt. I regard hurt as a little bit self indulgent. My non receipt of birthday acknowledgement from anyone would not stop me from recognising theirs in whatever shape or form I chose. Human frailty forgets 'things'. Maybe life is so distorted at the moment that we're getting unduly excited about the small stuff?

I'm so sorry for you and especially your husband - it used to hurt me terribly when my late husband's daughter was thoughtless and hurt him, and of course nothing you can say can make the hurt less. Frankly - I'm sorry if this sounds hurtful too - your daughter sounds like a pretty selfish piece of work. I'd honestly "forget" her birthday next time it's due. That may be the only way to demonstrate to her how much it matters. I'd be devastated if my son forgot my birthday.

My MIL used to do this and I found it really annoying. A subtle hint that some member of the family was due a birthday. Surely, if that person is important enough to you then you will remember. I rarely forgot the birthdays, but now there are so many, I am seriously thinking of forgetting a few.

I think there are definitely generational differences. It seems to be the same with Christmas cards and gifts and thank you letters. I wonder if, when you see next have the opportunity to talk with your daughter, it might be worth opening up on the subject of card and gift giving generally. If she isn’t of a mind to give cards and gifts, then it follows that neither should she expect to receive them. It does, though, need to be an openly discussed, explicit, and reciprocal, agreement. It seems to me to be the only way around the distress you, in my view quite appropriately, feel at the moment given the lack of reciprocity in the matter.

Does she remember your birthday? If it is just her fathers that she ignores I would ask her why that is.

Maybe she is not marking adults birthdays anymore, you will soon find out if you ignore her and her husbands birthdays.

My DH’s son does this, but in his case it is deliberate - nasty man!

I am very bad at birthday remembering, but I have it sussed since I put the whole family's and friends birthdays on Google calendar with a reminder set a few days ahead to give me time to get and sometimes post, a suitable card and/or gift. It has saved my bacon many times, especially when I was working full time in a busy school office and coming home exhausted! These days I am retired, but we help my 87 yr old Mum with the garden, shopping and medical appointments, I sew a lot and am secretary of a group which meets monthly (via Zoom atm). But I don't forget birthdays because of all of this. Suggest she uses Google calendar or Alexa type thing if she has one. Technology is (sometimes!) here to help us all! Good luck and a belated happy birthday to your OH ... he's not on my Google calendar y'see!!!!