Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

Sorry that your DH has been affected by your daughter’s thoughtlessness by not acknowledging his birthday. It does hurt. I would not bring it up with her as she has justified her actions in her own mind and will be defensive. It’s easy for AC to make you feel bad by saying you are PA. I would not mention anything to her but concentrate your efforts on your grandchildren and their birthdays etc. Your daughter is well aware of what she is doing - family life and being busy are excuses. We must remember that all families don’t think like ourselves and values change, particularly when they get a partner or marry. Try not to take her actions to heart going forward.

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words and wisdom . It helped just to know that I wasn’t being a ‘drama queen “ about this
But today’s another day & I can’t let things like this hurt me
Hop that sounded convincing
Planning on making a special tea for my Husband when he gets home from work to cheer him up x
Thanks everyone again x

I'm saddened that your DD actions have upset your OH. One of my sisters had a similar situation amongst a blended family. One of her sons would 'forget' her new partners birthday regularly. She would bite her tongue, never mention it but secretly seethe about it. The son always claimed that he forgot, but he never forgot his in-laws birthdays oddly enough!

One year, she created a calendar for the son using one of the online companies where you can add your own photos and customise it. On each date where a family birthday or celebration fell she marked the day. At the beginning of every month she entered a note 'Buy cards for xxxx'. She made sure to add the sons wife, all their children and extended family.

She only had to do this for one year, the son always made the effort after that.

Way to go Pumpkinpie?
I hope you have a lovely evening with your DH & who knows your DD might just surprise you.

Phrases like "passive-aggressive", "respecting boundaries" and "narcissistic" are all the rage now - take a peek at Mumsnet.

This sort of cod psychology simply consists of slapping a random label on someone when they do something that you do not like - in this case pointing out that a birthday was forgotten. It was your DD who got it wrong and the label is just a way of shifting the blame.

I cannot help wondering whether there is some strain in your relationship with her in other ways. I know if this happened in my family, I would not mention it, but know that when the penny dropped with them they would be mortified.

To be honest I do not think there is anything you can do, except accept that she does not remember or acknowledge birthdays - if you do not expect her to, then you will not be let down. Each of my adult children are good/bad at different things, and we have to accept that.

I have been known to forget birthdays - even when they are in my diary - I guess that I become habituated to the name on that date when I am flipping through and simply stop noticing it. But no-one is offended because they know I love them all. This is what makes me wonder if there is some other on-going strain in your relationship with your DD.

I am sorry that your OH felt let down.

I remember a wise gransnetter once saying our children are more important to us than we are to them.

I am sorry your husband was so hurt and upset.We have a few members of our family who love to receive gifts and cards but who never say thank you and who never send cards or gifts themselves.

I would suggest on your DD’s birthday no card or gift or if you feel that is too much just send a card and if she queries why no gift say oh I didn’t think we celebrated adult birthdays.

My MIL reminds us before every family birthday and always has even though we don’t need reminding!

Again excuses are made for adult children and their often thoughtless behaviour. I'm sorry your husband felt so disappointed Pumpkinpie, considering your daughter lives such a short distance away it was inexcusable.
Don't fret about it though enjoy your birthday tea together, tomorrow is another day.

to your husband from me. xx

No excuse, None of us or adult children forget parents birthday or our children’s, everything’s written on a calendar , I can understand why he would be hurt, it takes seconds to text

Adult children can be self centred pompous gits tbh. I was pulled up last week for missing the stepson's girlfriend's birthday - she's a lovely girl and I wouldn't have deliberately forgotten it, we just never knew it! I did struggle not to be affronted by the reminder especially as I have only ever received a bday card once in over 20 years from SS, and that was only because he was invited to dinner on my birthday. I'm not particularly bothered by the lack of gestures over the years but the double standard seriously hacked me off.

So you have my sympathy and happy birthday to your husband - you have every right to be angry and upset on his behalf and it's not passive aggression. It's honest feeling.

My daughter genuinely used to forget so I used to send her a reminder. She still forgot sometimes but it didn’t really matter. She was just very busy.

Luckygirl, you said “Phrases like "passive-aggressive", "respecting boundaries" and "narcissistic" are all the rage now - take a peek at Mumsnet.

This sort of cod psychology simply consists of slapping a random label on someone when they do something that you do not like”

Yes, yes yes! I get so cross about this.

Sending your dh an air hug for his birthday, albeit belated.

Next time you speak to her, just drop into the conversation that you had a nice meal together at home for Dad's birthday, shame you couldn't go out / Dad had a strange birthday as no one could visit etc.
There is no excuse that she missed it! She can easily put a reminder on her phone/ computer. I mean, all he wanted was a phone call! Just a quick call so he could have heard the GC and she could have said "Sorry, haven't been able to get out to buy a present" you can send a card via post from several websites too!
Forget the passive/aggressive psycho babble, she is in the wrong!

This is very upsetting for your husband that the daughter you love has ignored his birthday. There are no excuses of busy/slipped my mind etc. It is hurtful and unacceptable. It is not just about kids we all have a birthday and to most people it is special. You are right to be upset and if this was my daughter I would ask why and be concerned that there was a reason for it.

My DH & I don't really celebrate our birthdays - we see it as something for children so it wouldn;t have bothered us. I generally remember my children/grandchildrens birthdays but only the DGC get cards- the adults get a text

I would also be upset- in fact I have this with one of my adult children.
Like you a card would suffice, but it is so rude and thoughtless in my opinion to just not bother.
I'm waiting to see if I get a Mother's day card, and if not then I'm afraid I'm just going to act the same way. Why bother if they don't.

My dad forgets my birthday every single year. Or is out by a month or so either way! He apologies (If I remind him he's missed it!). He only has two children (54 and 57), but never remembers my brother's, either. It is hurtful and upsetting. I don't want a present, just a card, to let me know he has thought about me. If it is the other way round, all hell would break loose! He says at 90, he can't remember things, but he is as sharp as a tack, and I buy him a calendar every year, and put on all the dates that he may want to remember, but it still doesn't help. So I can feel your sadness.

How sad. It's not difficulty to remember birthdays. You simply make a note in your diary and send a card, present, email or even a text.

I think birthdays are important, it's your one personal day of the year and I think you have every right be upset on behalf of your husband.

Maybe forget your daughters birthday next time and when she asks you about it say 'oh I thought you thought birthdays aren't important given that you ignored your Dads.' I bet she thinks twice next time.

Well saying a reminder is passive agressive is a bit much imho.
Passive agressive was my mil sending cards and even gifts in our name to people she thoight we should send them too. Making us feel stuoid when someone thanked us for a gift or wondered why we had sent them two cards!!

I think she has stopped. Although our son regularly gets cards from her next door neighbours and friends and strangely they all have the same handwriting as mil!!

Phone her or text if you do not want to speak to her, and tell her how disappointed you are that she did not remember her father's birthday. I nearly always send reminders out when it is birthday time for any of my kids. Even grown up children are very selfish and should be reminded of etiquette.

Must admit I'd be very hurt if my daughter forgot either my or her dad's birthdays. And she never has. On the excuses side, maybe she just lost track of the date - it is easy to do, and I've often done that myself. But really, that's why we have calendars and diaries to remind us of important dates. And two years running is bad. What happens when you send her cards/presents on her birthday? Does she respond and thank you? Or ignore it?

I always send a text to all my sons reminding them of so and so’s birthdays and they don’t mind but whoever gets a card or message at least . My husband has even been known to ask me when his birthday is ! ?

I think our generation rightly or wrongly soof expect a call or some sort of contact on special occasions - try not to be too hurt with young children and a very hectic time recently it could be she literally forgot x

My children never forget mine but I do remind them about other birthdays- perhaps you cd try ‘forgetting’ hers and if she asks then you cd respond that you thought she’d decided not to mark birthdays