How many of us shared domestic duties, care of children with our husbands or partners?

@Callistemon, my dh really fancies himself at window cleaning (indoors only, someone does the outside) ever since his new toy (Karcher window cleaner) arrived.
Gadgets really are wonderful things!

Luckygirl However, I was the one who did the discipline! He was a soft touch and they knew it!

Recognise that one, because DH was away so much, he was very much a soft touch when he was home. He also did not, for the same reasons, have to deal with any prolonged periods of bad behaviour. DD used to try to wind me up by referring to 'nice Daddy and nasty Mummy' because I was the one that did all the disciplining.

We consider ourselves part of a team and work to our strengths.

Well said, kittylester
I think you can settle into a routine if you're lucky, although not everyone is.

I am still trying to persuade DH that his window cleaning skills are excellent (indoors only). He's not so sure.

As you know from the other thread, I was a SAHM so I did most of the domestic stuff but DH did his share when he was at home.

We consider ourselves part of a team and work to our strengths.

Ha ha Luckygirl my filth threshold is quite high too, so ditto. My OH is great at loo cleaning, but now thankfully we have a cleaner.

My OH was raised in a household which had a strict cleaning regime, his mum had a day for different jobs and absolutely nothing would get in her way, so he is hard wired. It’s great!

When I was SAH there wasn't much for him to turn his hand to domestically but he was total maintenance man and gardener. We were a great team. When he came in from work, I was invariably in the kitchen but he just immediately got stuck in to anything he saw needed doing. When we were first married he said he would turn his hand to anything but he would prefer not to hang out washing or clean windows. Didn't seem much to ask so I happily complied. We married in '67 but were mature for the average newlyweds at that time. Happy days indeed.
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Sorry new iPad with mind of its own
Mum couldn’t have worked. She didn’t want to because like most working class women, her mum, mum in law, all worked in mills. Child care delegated to oldest child. Mum was determined not to repeat that pattern.
Lives are all different. We need to recognise that and avoid criticising or dismissing the ‘choices’ other women make.
I worked, it didn’t mean I didn’t dote on my girls. I was lucky and also deliberately chose a career where flexible working was possible. Never missed a sports day

Witzend, that sounds so interesting and definitely responsibilities shared. Great to hear your final comment.
My dad worked long hours. He was an ambitious young man, who learned a lot during his time in the Royal Marines in ww2. Back to the mill wasn’t enough. Nightschool, further education led to a very successful career, which he loved. Mum didn’t work and given his hours couldnt

I didn’t work when dds were very small, and only went p/t after the younger started school.

But our circumstances were different - we were living in the Middle East and dh had a very demanding job which meant he was usually out from around 7 am until 7 pm, 6 days a week - and sometimes 6 1/2 - no question of reducing hours when this or that was wanted yesterday! - though he did come home for lunch, ditto dds, since school was from 8 until 1 pm only.
Dh did enjoy his job, though.

So there was no way I’d have expected him to do much in the house or with dds, though he was very good with them when he was there.

Once we eventually returned to the U.K. he was still working long hours in a demanding job and was often away for work, sometimes for weeks or months at a time, so nothing much changed. Once dds were more self sufficient there were elderly relatives needing help, and that was nearly all down to me. I was mostly working from home then, though.

I never resented our respective roles or felt hard done by though.

My husband worked long hours so much of the childcare and household jobs I did but he did help me with everything when he could.

Oh - and he did most of the cleaning because my filth threshold was much higher than his - well I am very shortsighted!!

We did share it all, but not necessarily every task. I did the cooking, he did car and gardening; he picked up children, did nappies - a bit of everything really. He had a one day off in the week and that was "Daddy Day" and was always one of my work days - I did not enquire what they did on that day, but it seemed it involved a lot of chocolate!

However, I was the one who did the discipline! He was a soft touch and they knew it!

When I married my husband he was a single parent of two young children, and I knew he was very capable of shopping, cooking, washing, ironing and running a home, as well as decorating, DIY and gardening. As I only found part time work in my field for some years, I took on most of the housekeeping roles. His hours increased and I found myself landed with more and more.

Since retirement not a lot has changed. He still looks after the garden between April and October but is no longer able to do any DIY apart from tech stuff.
I want to broach the subject of the imbalance of our responsibilities, especially as I do two days a week voluntary work, WFH, and have three zoom meetings each week.I wish I knew where to start. I am sure he thinks he does enough, but he often forgets eg to put the bins out.

kirkcubbin it sounds like we were married to the same man!

Kircubbin2000, you aren’t alone in that experience. I hope life is more positive for you now x

Only thing husband did was gardening. Never changed a nappy or looked after kids. His attitude was, I give you plenty of money don't I. I had no say in decor or furnishing as any time something was needed he had a customer who was offloading material or goods and would offer him discount.
He never cooked anything and now lives on his own ,eating out before covid and getting ready meals when my son does the shopping.I had some extra shopping and asked son if his dad would like these items. I was told no, he wouldn't know what they were or how to cook them.

MOnica, exactly as you say, what’s important is what works for each individual in a marriage/partnership or life long relationship.
Lucca, your experience sounds similar to my first marriage. I worked and did everything else as well. That’s not what I wanted but isn’t the only reason I left.

Not practical in my case. DH had a job that regularly took him away from home at very short notice for indefinite periods of time. Mostly before mobile phones and email.

Fortunately we had different but complementary skills. I am an organiser par excellence. So I took on the post of Family Manager. I handled everything from child rearing to all financial management and planning, negotiated house sales etc etc. I considered it a job that earned me my share of the family income.

DH is an engineer, and DIYer. These talents worked well with his work pattern because things could be started left and then picked up again. Over the years he has fitted six kitchens, rewired 2 houses, here and in France, built extensions and mended toys, jewellry, cars and anything that broke. I am entirely cack-handed. We have the house we have because of his skills, not mine.

We both had working mothers, that I would go back to work as soon as practical, was never even discussed, it was assumed by both of us. Our annual leave was shared evenly between child care, family holidays, and personal interests.

It was not unknown for DH to return on a Friday after a trip abroad, unpack then pack and go off for the weekend, diving. It was not unknown for DH return on a Friday after a week away, I would give him a brief rundown on anything planned for the weekend from dancing lessons to parties and go off to take part in an archaeological project.

It continues that way, although DH's working career may, now, be over, But he is 77 and his earnings in retirement have enabled to have a very comfortable lifestyle.

I think how couples/families run their family life is up to them. providing that arrangement is freely agreed by both. If it means the traditional pattern why not?

No. My ex husband didn’t want me to work and when I did he was annoyed and expected me to not let anything else slip. I did all the housework cooking (except for the occasional meal) ironing etc. He made the house untidy, wouldn’t throw anything away. He was a good dad but ultimately the kids were my responsibility in his eyes. Both my sons are in very “equal” relationships I’m glad to say.

We shared childcare, as I said on the other thread, and I think that was a good thing for all of us. The children have always had a close relationship with their father, as he was as likely to be picking them up from school as me.

Regarding housework - neither of us is very good at it. We had a cleaner when we were working, and that really helped. When she left to get a full-time job it was a huge miss. We never found anyone as good, and when we retired it seemed a bit decadent to pay someone to clean when we were in all day. I would consider it again after lockdown, although we'd have to blitz the place before anyone could clean it .

We both cook and have always done our own ironing. I am more likely to notice things like marks on paintwork, and have considerably higher kitchen standards than Mr Dog, but on the whole, we both muck in when we have to.

He looks after the car, and we have very low maintenance gardens, which just need the lawns trimmed and the hedges cut, and he does both, which is fine by me.

We don’t have children together, I had my two when we met nearly 22 years ago. We both worked f/t, spent half the year in France from 2015-18, I took early retirement in 2016, I’ve had a p/t job and some voluntary work. He’s self employed and still works as he’s a youngster!
Household chores are generally each to what needs doing except he does the most of the ironing and all DIY, I cook and do all of the admin. Day to day bathrooms, hoovering, bins,
grass cutting etc is shared, it suits us.

1950'S marriage here ,he worked 14 0r 16 hour days for years and although I worked full time ie.40ish hours a week I did the rest too.Childcare ,housework and everthing else..never felt it was odd it was just how it was.I was back at work with my baby when she was 8 days old and the only time I ever had off work was when my son was born 11 weeks early .I prefer to do things my way and still cant stand someone else getting under my feet.OH is brilliant at DIY though and he has built umpteen kitchens and replaced bathrooms etc.Wouldn#t change a thing .

Ex husband was very much of the idea that while I should work (fine by me, never wanted to NOT work) I should also do all of the house work.

Nope. If both spouses work, both spouses do the housework. He never did his share. Yet another reason he is an ex.

Interestingly, his 2nd wife DOES do all of the housework. But she refuses to go out to work.

I don’t think it matters as long as both are happy I was a stay at home Mum, DH worked away and came home at weekends when the DDs were tiny, so I became used to doing everything.
But when I was ill he looked after me and did everything for 2 years.
Now he is retired I still do most of it, but when he cleaned the bathroom last week DD2 who is with us at the moment oohed and aaahed about how shiny everything was! He seemed to be quite proud of his 2 hours cleaning it( I kid you not, no toothbrush is now safe)
Which is Good, because he can do it in future.

OH worked very long hours, nights and week-ends too. So I am afraid that we did not share childcare and housework, gardening, decorating, etc. Not because he is a man and I am a woman- but because it was not possible.