Sister being resentful?

I was the other 'hands off' sister who was constantly made to feel that I was simply not 'doing' enough.

Mum was in a home, so no caring or housework was involved. I visited every week and complied with every request that I reasonably could.

My sister was obsessed and visited daily. She was always close to Mum. I wasn't and, therefore, my visits weren't really welcomed either!

The point I'm trying to get across is that it's unreasonable to expect others to behave, think and/or do the same as you!

I am another one who sees this from your sister's side. My sister often asks how she can help but if I tell her, her solutions are often more time consuming, impractical or scupper what is already in place. Absent siblings often don't have a real understanding of how much is involved. For example, I have just spent hours and hours on the phone trying to get help for my mother for her homecoming from hospital giving the right information about how long Mum has been struggling which has been year. I asked my sister to speak to the hospital to back up my claims as my mother is wholly delusional. She speaks to them and tells them it has been weeks...back to square one. She would be devastated if she thought she wasn't helpful because that wasn't her intention but it is frustrating. Although I keep quiet, there are times when I could scream at her but it really isn't her fault that she lives so far away, she is compromised by health issues and her mother is so bl***y awkward!

So sorry that you are feeling unhappy. Don't waste your time trying to work out what goes on in other people's heads. You are doing all you can. x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I live the furthest away from my Parents both 82 & 83. My Father now has Dementia...I do more for them than my other siblings who live on the doorstep. I hear quite often there is always 'one' who does more than the others'. Or it always gets left down to 'one who pulls their weight more'. With respect to you.. I will be honest with you. Using your own initiative and common sense would be a start. I would imagine giving your time to your Father and giving your sister a break would be more valuable to your sister than anything. You should not be using 'living 3 hours away as an excuse' for not helping more. If you left your home at 9 am or 10 am you could be at your Fathers by 12pm or 1pm...you could do that 3 days a week. Or care for your Father at weekends...that would give your sister a 'well earned rest'. She must be exhausted both mentally & physically and it will be affecting her health. You should not have to ask her what can I do? You need to get in there and pull your weight...she needs to be cared for too. So put the time in instead of Flowers...decide how much time you can give to your Fathers care per week and take a hold. Telephone her and say something on the lines of 'enough is enough' I am now going to give you some respite each week and tell her how many hours & days per week...ask her what days would be best for her? and mean it and follow through. I am sure she will be relieved and think more of you! You may mean well by sending your sister Flowers several times a year but quite frankly it is not enough...you dont live on the other side of the world..you live three hours away and should not use that as an excuse to sit back believing you are being fair to your sister and feeling put out that the conversation is one way when you speak to her on the telephone and that you are the only one making the effort to telephone her and she does not reciprocate telephone calls with you. I do believe you are being selfish and only when you are pulling your weight and working alongside your sister will you understand how hard it really has been for her and I do think it will bring you both closer and more understanding of each other. After saying all of this to you and your sister does not step back and welcome the respite...then she deserves all she gets. Sorry if this sounds harsh to you...I dont want to upset you...but sometimes being straight is the key. I am sure when you and your sister where little your Father would have travelled six hours a day to a job to bring the money home, to feed you both, pay the bills and give you a roof over your head as well as giving you love...so dont let 6 hours a day, three times a week stand in the way of both caring for your Father and your Sister. If after saying all of this and your Sister does not accept the care she deserves...then she deserves all she gets!!

I 100% agree with Donna1964 distance should not be a reason to go help out.

Just to add...there is a saying/quote similar to...Parents will look after all their children...but will all their children look after them?

I think it's a good idea to read through previous responses to the original post or you may be posting what has already been replied to! meant in the kindest helpful way!

I think there is some truth in what Chardy says. Those who live near the parents usually have had babysitters on hand, support, the ability to visit parents easily et cetera et cetera (not all I know - speaking from experience) I’m not saying it’s not difficult for the person who has to care for elderly parents because they live close by but it usually means that they have more than likely have over the years reaped the benefits along the way by living close by. Your sisters jealousy is a separate issue and you can’t change that nor her lack of interest in your life. Perhaps your thoughts and worry should be with your dad.

I disagree with donna1964, who has assumed that the sister has a carer's role and that she needs help.

All SuzieHi has said is that she appreciates what her sister does - no details. Her sister visits, that's all we know for sure.

Perhaps the father is quite independent but somewhat lonely, having lost his wife?

I really dislike that old argument about how much you 'owe' parents who looked after you when you were young. Sorry, but they chose to have you and bring you up. There is no bill to repay.

It's no good trying to guilt trip anyone into 'doing their duty' either, when it may not be expected - or they choose not to.

Why on Earth would anyone want to spend half their week travelling and visiting? It makes no sense.

All SuzieHi wants is to be made welcome when she does visit, to be kept in the loop. It sounds like her sister has claimed 'ownership' of Dad and is totally uninterested in her sister's life!

We all bring our own past experiences into these discussions. With me, I was expected (by my sister) to agree to a regular day and time to visit Mum. She'd go daily anyway - so it made no sense. I refused and went when it suited me!

This is the well-known situation: two sisters, dad on his own.

One sister, A, lives near their dad, the other, B, further away.

Sister A probably pops in to see dad and help every day or so, while sister B can't be there every day.

So, is sister A feeling put upon, that looking after dad is being left to her?

Or is sister B feeling guilty about not doing more for dad, or jealous of the sister, she calls jealous and resentful?

OP, only you know the rights and wrongs of this situation, but you have known your sister either all her life or all yours, depending on who is the younger.

You ought to know what she is feeling.

How much help does your dad need? Could you do his online grocery shopping for him? Find a cleaner? or whatever else he needs.

Whatever you do, discuss it with you dad and with your sister first.

Hetty58

I disagree with donna1964, who has assumed that the sister has a carer's role and that she needs help.

All SuzieHi has said is that she appreciates what her sister does - no details. Her sister visits, that's all we know for sure.

Perhaps the father is quite independent but somewhat lonely, having lost his wife?

I really dislike that old argument about how much you 'owe' parents who looked after you when you were young. Sorry, but they chose to have you and bring you up. There is no bill to repay.

It's no good trying to guilt trip anyone into 'doing their duty' either, when it may not be expected - or they choose not to.

Why on Earth would anyone want to spend half their week travelling and visiting? It makes no sense.

All SuzieHi wants is to be made welcome when she does visit, to be kept in the loop. It sounds like her sister has claimed 'ownership' of Dad and is totally uninterested in her sister's life!

We all bring our own past experiences into these discussions. With me, I was expected (by my sister) to agree to a regular day and time to visit Mum. She'd go daily anyway - so it made no sense. I refused and went when it suited me!

Then why does SuzieHi ask the sister...'What can we do to help'?

When an elderly parent needs care and family is near or far, everything is turned upside down. Issues rise to the surface. The situation in my family was difficult as both of us siblings did not live on the doorstep.

You just have to do what you feel is best to keep you sane and well. My Dad died in a dementia unit last year and I made a long journey each month to see him. I had some nightmare journeys which take about seven hours! But it was my choice and decision to do that. However with the pandemic, I can't do the same for my Mum, which is very hard.

Do what you can or feel able to do, don't feel guilty, look after yourself, seek help if you need it and accept situations for what they are.

lemsip

I think it's a good idea to read through previous responses to the original post or you may be posting what has already been replied to! meant in the kindest helpful way!

Hi lemsip if your above comment was meant for me?? Please refraine from making such comment whether you believe you are coming from the kindest, helpful place. I am an Adult, not a Child...whether I have repeated what others have said...is no harm to anyone...people do repeat what others have said on many posts. It comes across as condescending and not treating a person as an equal but superior. We have a choice...whether we read the post or not...its as simple as that.

Doesn't sound to me like there is any deep-seated resentment, if when the OP does phone the sister is happy to talk for a while and answer questions about her doings. What happens if you start talking about what you've been up to, does she suddenly say sorry I've got to go now? Start, and see how it goes. Some people are just better at initiating calls and visits than others, there isn't always any underlying reason.

Its up to suzie what she does. She asked for opinions and advice and has had plenty.
While as someone said, there should be no debt to pay, if the care given to us as children was good enough then its love, or even obligation to do what we can when we see our parents struggling, bearing in mind one day in the not too distant future it will be us frail and vulnerable maybe needing help.
It was stressful at times because mum had dementia but I have no regrets and can look back and think despite living much further, that I always did the best I could for her. What my sibling who lived just minutes away thinks is for him to ponder.

'him' silverlining?

That's a whole new puzzle. It seems that sons and brothers are not expected to do the visiting/caring etc. in the same way that women are. They are 'excused'. So much for equality!

(Yes, I have a brother who is useless and treated like a child.)

Yes Hetty, him. The golden one.

Can you visit your father, so that you are seen to be doing your bit for the family. I sense your sister is snowed under with her life and assisting, visiting your father. Have you tried a neutral meet up. Just you and your sister. My sister always calls me because she always has more drama to mention and some advice needed. We fell out 2 months ago, I apologised, she never does. Shes just been here to take me shopping. I just come out of hospital. With my sister, I always feel, two wrongs dont make a right. I try harder, than she does, and I am the eldest

Wow Donal, have you added up the cost of petrol driving 18 hours a week? And health cost? I’d be exhausted by arriving after 3 hour drive, doing whatever sister deemed needing, and would fall asleep driving home! Leaving at say 6 o’clock, getting home at 9pm!! Three days a week!! Thats a 12 hour day working day 3 times a week!That’s a huge chunk of life, would dominate everything . That is defo not an option.

Possibly the distant sister could go down and stay overnight once a week, that way ensuring she doesn’t overtire herself....giving her sister 2 clear days a week “off”.
We have offspring to satisfy a primordial urge to procreate/ mother.... not to look after us in old age, that’s an unexpected bonus.

We love our parents,but life waits for no man, we should make arrangements ALL through our young lives for our dotage, be self sufficient, and just enjoy what pleasures we can from family, and any family members that WANT to give more time, fill yer boots, enjoy the ‘giving’ of yourself, time,money.
Those that can’t/ don’t want to, enjoy that too.
We need to remember though, “ What goes round, comes round”. Know it will repeat itself in your own life!! It always does!

If I ever comment on any thread, it is just that, a comment, not meant for a anyone specific! so this is not meant for anyone!

We struggled with family for many years, and if I could go back....would not have tried. It’s obviously not a comfortable relationship. Why not just leave it and let her contact you as and when. I would be interested to see how long it takes her. You can maintain the same relationship with your father you’ve always had. It’s not your fault you have your life, if that makes sense.

Chardy I am sorry but it was your choice to raise your family miles away from your parents! We all have the option to arrange family life as we wish. Not every individual who cares for their elderly parent even has their own family! If your kids did not get taken out and treated to a meal etc does this also mean you never took them to visit or had your parents to stay? My own daughter lives almost 100 miles away from me. I have gone to stay with her (on a fortnightly basis) to care for her two young children. Her husband would quite happily relocate but my daughter has no desire (I know her reason), Now because of my health this is not an option. I also was the daughter who was there to support my mother in her later years while my sisters were not too often on the scene. What I will say to you is that until a person has had to exist in those circumstances they really have no idea of the stress.

I am no longer in touch with my sister. I have had to deal with elderly relatives passing and sorting everything out, no help from her but she is there for any handouts that are going. I don't expect any help but an offer would have gone a long way. As they say, you can chose your friends but not your family. I am sorry to say that this is it and I will get on with my own life and she can get on with hers. We are poles apart in everything.

Thanks for all the thoughts and advice- helps to clarify my mind. Covid has made the last 6 months more difficult with travel/staying etc. We’re conscious of not bringing in infection to their bubble. Did break rules though when mum was dying earlier in year. Will continue to phone/FaceTime and visit occasionally. Dad seems happy that is the main thing. Fortunate in that he has a Carer/ cleaner every morning, a gardener and food delivered.
I do understand the stresses of looking after elderly relatives- we were solely in charge of husbands Aunt,and then mother, before they went into care homes.