Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

There are a lot of threads on here about family estrangement Sparkling so I understand why you are concerned. It's a shame we don't hear so much about families who support each other.
Parents and adult children no longer live close to each other and as someone else said its a two way street, some parents don't want to be with their children. There are so many reasons why this happens and its a great shame the family dynamic seems to have changed.

Some families contact one another often, some don’t. Some people expect frequent contact and some don’t. I think some of the moaning we see on GN is caused by a mismatch between the expectations of one person and the normal behaviour of others. If Person A thinks that weekly phone calls are essential for a good relationship and son-of-A thinks one phone call a month is reasonable, neither is actually wrong, but both are likely to see the other as wrong. Person A thinks son-of-A is uncaring, and son-of-A thinks Person A is too demanding.

Sorry, hit post early by mistake
4. What does the social life look like for the elderly person? Do they have hobbies, friends, take trips, etc or they rely on family contact for social interaction

With point no. 3 - if adult children and relative do not historically get along, personalities dont mesh, they just saw each other once a year or less, why change that when the elderly person feels "abandoned"?

So many factors:
1. Different phases in life - an elderly retired person has way much more time than a person who is working, responsibilities,kids etc.
2. The past may define the present.
3. Expectations - what does a person consider to be reasonable frequent contact? Is it visits on person or just a call is enough? Does the eldery person expect the adult children to initiate or they also initiate

I don't think it's an epidemic. I think possibly it's a generation that feels they owe parents nothing. I'm making no comment on whether they do or not.

I cut my dad out of my life 25 years ago. I didn't even know it was estrangement then. I just knew he was a selfish arse that abandoned me at 11 and didn't see me again until I was 18. Also that he allowed his wife (my step mother) to abuse my brother.

My daughter has verged on estrangement with me a few times. It's a possibility. No, I haven't been a great mum.

In my own personal experience I can say that I was unwilling to tolerate behaviour from my MIL that I had seen my parents and grandparents suffering from their own IL’s and parents. There is more understanding in this day and age around mental health and people are more vigilant around managing their own mental health. The days of suffering through because “that’s just how he/she is” are over for many.

My own family of origin have maintained healthy relationships at every stage of life, and guess what? We all choose to see each other and engage with each other (4 generations).

So perhaps the issue isn’t those horrible snowflakes “abandoning” the elderly, but instead setting standards of a mutually enjoyable relationship. Simply being older does NOT entitle anyone to the time of another, especially if over the course of said relationship it hasn’t been a two way street for many years preceding said person feeling their own mortality. Age is not the key here - family dynamics are.

I base my opinion as two ladies in my group, after being widowed, seem to go more than a month without contact with their children

Hmm, it’s a long way from this to Why are so many elderly abandoned by their children !

Contact is a two way street! I contact them and they contact me. Why should adult children get the blame for not maintaining contact when elderly parents have the phone and the internet and probably more time on their hands? I'm on the fast track to 80; I ring my sons and they ring me - or we have video calls on Whatsap. Both families live around 150 miles away and normally I would go by train to visit. Recently, when I needed a break from my own four walls, one son came to pick me up and the other brought me back. Both have demanding jobs. I am so grateful to them and appreciated my two weeks away.

We and the people we know, must be lucky then! My children are in contact weekly, ad hoc messenger, WhatsApp, phone calls and sporadic garden visits. However, we live within 6 miles of each other now, but when we were in France, up until 2 years ago, still FaceTime/Skype and phone. Friends we have seem to be the same. So, maybe people’s circumstances are different from ours?

And how often do those two fitness pick up the phone and call their children? Or instigate meetings or ask to visit?

This is sad for the people enduring the lack of contact from their children, but as others have said, this generation of parents are generally both working, juggling work and childcare, but I agree that a quick phone call can be the difference between being happy and feeling abandoned. I do think that your statement I blame the internet for putting the idea into the empty heads of the younger generation. I see a selfish, entitled generation of snowflakes who think only of themselves, and resent the older generation who lived modestly to have security in retirement is unfair and harsh, and frankly, if anyone is spouting that bile to their grown up children it is quite obvious why they have few visitors.

Re timing- it is clear that if a person is busy, doing their own thing, walking, classes, friends, etc - they will notice the length of no contact much less, and feel it not so acutely, than someone who is not active- bored and sitting around at home 'waiting' - for whatever reason.

Well personally I don’t think a month (although a long time) equates to abandonment some people are more in contact than others
All my friends have different stories some see or hear from their families regularly some not and some hear from some children and not others no one ever knows family stories do they ?

Two people don't make this an epidemic of elderly people being treated badly by their children so your assertion that it is 'a fact' that 'a lot of elderly' boils down to two people in your experience. Not a fact.

Yes they could Illte, but will their AC answer the 'phone or reply to the text?

Well, I say again, it isn't what I see around me.

I think your post is quite harsh esspee

Well I guess that they could pick up the phone or send a text just as easily as their children.

Or do they mean a visit?

Our DS lives in Aus . Sparkling he's busy but we never go more than 2 weeks without face timing and more often than not it's a weekly event.

I agree that to make no contact for a month is a long time

Oh yes she did smileless ...it was just a funny story at least I thought it was, so did my friend,

Perhaps your friends elderly mother has dementia or alzheimers Bluebell.

A sad but true post Espee and from GN alone, so many examples.

I base my opinion as two ladies in my group, after being widowed, seem to go more than a month without contact with their children. I feel that’s a long time for someone in their late sixties. We were talking about it and it seems that is the norm. Mine are in touch weekly even though it can be weeks between visits, we are-all busy after all but not to make contact for a month seems a long time to me, but perhaps that’s just my opinion.

Here is a true story which I think is funny
My friends’ elderly mother was in a care home and she used to visit her most days but the mum was quite difficult to engage in conversation but also like to say that nobody ever visited her
One day my friend was sitting with her mum trying to get her to have a chat, without much success, after about three quarters of an hour the mum got up and walked away
Thinking she had gone to the toilet my friend waited and waited and then after a while thought she better go and look in case she was in trouble As she went through the corridor to look for her she saw her mum sitting on a chair in another room so she went and sat next to her and said ‘I wondered where you were, you disappeared’ the mum turned to her and said ‘well I had to get away from that stupid woman that wouldn’t stop talking‘
??

So many threads on Gransnet about estrangement yet people pile on here to say they don’t see it.

You should also read the threads on Mumsnet on the subject of going no contact. It has become an epidemic.

Sparkling. I blame the internet for putting the idea into the empty heads of the younger generation. I see a selfish, entitled generation of snowflakes who think only of themselves, and resent the older generation who lived modestly to have security in retirement.

I am thankful that I do not have a problem with my children but I am very much aware that many older people are ghosted by their children for perceived faults such as not providing childcare or money.

Have you looked at the demands on young people’s time?
Full time work, childcare, extracurricular, somehow trying to squeeze in some family time of their own.

Also ‘abandon’ to me means there is some responsibility for the adult child to care for their elderly parent.

I think that sometimes elderly people feel lonely so a visit every couple of weeks may feel like no visits. My next door neighbour used to have at least twice as many visitors as I did but told me regularly that "no one ever comes".

I know they did because I saw them. Someone visited virtually every day!