Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

BlueBelle

Well personally I don’t think a month (although a long time) equates to abandonment some people are more in contact than others
All my friends have different stories some see or hear from their families regularly some not and some hear from some children and not others no one ever knows family stories do they ?”

Agree. My mum and dad live hundreds of miles away. I’m in contact by phone maybe once a week, probably only for 10 minutes because I always seem to catch them when they’re about to do something. even in “normal times”, I see them maybe 3 visits each year.

My daughter and her family are very local. Can’t see them just now but when this is all over Id be surprised if I saw them much more often than once a month.

Our son is still at home. When he flies the next I expect it will be even less frequently, as he doesn’t want to remain local. He loves us dearly, as does our daughter. They need to live their lives for themselves and their own families.

Neither my parents nor I feel “abandoned”. We’ve built our own lives and family are just a part of them.

This thread made me laugh. I once picked up the phone over 30 years ago. On the other end was Mabels niece, (made up names). Her niece in her 50s set about me, because Mabel hasnt seen anyone for ages. The niece had just spoken to her. Niece lived up north, we lived down south. After a long 20 minute rant from said niece about how little I did for Mabel. I let her know in an good way, cos i am like that, that I had just returned from a whole day trip to a city with Mabel, who spent 7 hours looking for 2 skirts. Which she bought in the first shop she went in. I had just returned from Mabels bungalow who I visited every other day. I said excuse me I have to lie down, I am exhausted, Mabel wore me out. And when I told the niece I was 8 and a half months pregnant, she put the phone down. I did wonder if she then rang Mabel back to refresh her memory if the day.lol. I bet she did not. Such is life

Obviously I haven't read all 8 pages but I have skimmed them and my comments are that I know very few older people who have little or no contact with their children.

Yes, there is a lot on social media - like GN from parents in this situation, but if everything is going well. it never occurs to anybody to comment on it, and if they did, lots of people would pile in on them accusing the of being smug etc.

We also we need to remember no-one ever thinks it is their fault in a situation like this. Parents always think they were good parents and cannot understand why they are neglected. But talk to their children and their view may be different. I have also noticed on many threads the tendency for some parents to love not wisely but to well, making themselves slaves to their children, providing everything they wanted and as a result bringing up children who are selfish and see the world entirely in terms of what they want, with little thought for other people even their parents.

I worked for Age Concern (as was) for 10 years as a volunteer Home Visitor and met many older people with everything from the closest of loving relations wth their children to complete estrangement and when their were problems the causes were often subtle and nuanced. Once or twice I had clients where there was clearly a history of abuse, but often it was parents who were convinced they loved their children and had been perfect parents, but who were sometimes just really difficult personally, or were scarred by their own experiences in life.

One son who rarely visited his father but began to do so, described a father who had been damaged by his war experiences, which left him terrfied of taking responsibility in case he harmed someone, who couldn't settle to a job, and obviously had unrecognised spells of mental health difficulties. The son, then in his 50s, had begun to process what had happened to his father and understand him and they became close.

But seeing problems in black and white never helped anyone. Problems of all kinds, especially inter-personal ones, are usually many shades of grey.

People often live at quite some distance from their elderly parents. They may be working long hours too, so opportunities to visit might be rare.

Regular phone calls, texts and Zoom or Facetime might compensate to a large degree.

Sparkling, I think the word 'abandoned' is a bit harsh. I'd absolutely hate any visits made through duty or guilt - rather than a genuine wish to see me.

I know my four check with each other to confirm who has been to see me, phoned etc. - even though we have a regular Saturday Zoom meeting!

Some posters on here recognise now that their parents may well have had their own problems.

I can remember thinking what an old bag my mum was for a time, but of course, I now realise she was grieving for my dad.

Bibbity - Also ‘abandon’ to me means there is some responsibility for the adult child to care for their elderly parent

I certainly did not see caring for my parents & MIL as a responsibility! I saw it as A PLEASURE. Thankfully neither suffered with the demanding health problems that many carers today have to face.

How on earth do you think working mother's/widows/single daughters of past generations coped. Running a home and a full time commuting career while making private arrangements for either child or nursing care. No maternity leave or child allowance and any expense met from limited means. I tell you how it was managed! Without expectation of others to make life easy and with compassion and commitment.

So if all todays AC required to do is visit lonely parents occasionally they should find some heart and show they care.

sparklingsilver28

^Bibbity - Also ‘abandon’ to me means there is some responsibility for the adult child to care for their elderly parent^

I certainly did not see caring for my parents & MIL as a responsibility! I saw it as A PLEASURE. Thankfully neither suffered with the demanding health problems that many carers today have to face.

How on earth do you think working mother's/widows/single daughters of past generations coped. Running a home and a full time commuting career while making private arrangements for either child or nursing care. No maternity leave or child allowance and any expense met from limited means. I tell you how it was managed! Without expectation of others to make life easy and with compassion and commitment.

So if all todays AC required to do is visit lonely parents occasionally they should find some heart and show they care.

And if they just don’t want to?

Stop trying to guilt an entire generation of people.
We’ve got enough on our plates right now.
And individuals can make up their own minds regarding their own relationships with their own relatives.

You wanted to care for your relatives. Food for you back pats all around.
Once my kids have grown and gone my days of caring will be over.

Once my kids have grown and gone my days of caring will be over.

That's what we all think!

It's a life long commitment isn't it Chewbacca.

Doesn't bother me, as long as i know they are ok. We have all said if there was ever a problem we would be there for each other. That is what counts to me in the end. Now if my sister 'abandoned' me that would be another issue. We do so much together and ring each other nearly every day.

It was ever thus, I think one thing that we have more of nowadays is more people living away from where their parents live, either they have had to move, or their parents have moved
But really some parents do not make it easy for their children, both gone now but my inlaws made it so difficult to talk on the phone, yes their son should have taken most of the calls, but it was always haven't heard from you for a long time, when are you coming down to see us [when I'd not seen my family in yonks, always had to go and see the inlaws, and then not making it pleasant when we did visit. Perfectly healthy in their 60s, always off on holiday, never interested in what we were doing, all very one-sided conversation, and were incapable when visiting us of amusing themselves if we had something that had to be done for an hour or so, if I'm visiting someone to stay for a few days I'll always bring something to do if the hosts have commitments, or pop out for a little walk etc to give the hosts a bit of time to themselves, and I'd always offer to help wash up or help prepare a meal, but only once in nearly 40 years did my mother in law do the washing up when staying, I'd asked if she could as we were in a rush to get out and I didn't want to come back to a sink full of dirty dishes, she did it with such bad grace though, I never asked again, but she never had to wash up when we visited, and we always helped with peeling spuds etc. If we had to get back because [lots of good reasons, need an early night, have to be up early as have to go elsewhere, etc] why can't you stay,
you'll be ok..... Some people don't make it pleasant or easy to visit do they

sparkling silver you are assuming all parents were good loving parents to their children. Yet we know that that there are many examples of poor parenting now. Parents abusive or feckless or just unable to cope. Adults will talk of being thrown out of home by their parents or mother and stepfather, or moving out because the atmosphere at home was so unpleasant. This is happening now and it happened in the past. Why should the children of such families, when they are adults, want to spend anytime with their parents let alone care for them and nurture them?

Agree with MOnica's last post. The most delightful seeming elderly people can be (and have been all their life) a nightmare to their own close relatives.

They were treated badly. Ime

I think it is important not to be too demanding. We have recently gone through a lot of old letters where one of our parents wrote "I am writing to say that we are disappointed that you haven't phoned us".

They had a phone and could well have afforded to call us (they were far better off at the time than we were), but perhaps because they remembered a time when phone calls were expensive they never did.

Hmmm having worked for a while, in a non caring role, in an elderly person's nursing home, I've seen both sides of this. We had residents who's family members described them as "always been awkward and difficult" and others who said the complete opposite, saying that their parent had been a lovely parent, always caring and kind. But one thing did unite these opposites of personalities; when they first arrived at the nursing home, family visits were frequent and regular. But as time wore on, those visits became less frequent and a shorter duration. I can remember only one resident who continued to have regular daily and weekly visits from her family and, to be honest, she was the most cantankerous lady I've ever met!

Chewbacca, I think the thing is when a family member goes into care the family feel guilty that they can no longer look after this person themselves and they set themselves impossible visiting targets; 'We will be there every day/week.' But it soon becomes clear that that is impossible. Work, children, housemoves, for all kinds of reasons , they have to gradually accept that actually they can only manage a visit every other week or whatever.

Visiting someone in a care home was part of my life for over 30 years. First a friend of my godmother. She was in a care home 5 miles from where I live when my children were under 5 and I did not work. Over the ensuing 15 years, my children grew up and went to school, then university, I returned to work part time then full time, then I was commuting, we moved house and this lady changed care homes. She eventually was in a Care home 30 miles away. Initially I visited weekly, but finally visited monthly because my life had changed, visiting her final care home meant a 1 hour drive each way, which needed to be fitted into the weekends with everything else non-work based in my life.

When I started caring for first a widowed uncle in a care home 160 miles away and later a childless uncle and aunt, both with dementia in a care home 90 miles away. I knew from the start that my frequent visits, when dealing with all the complications of house emptying and selling etc could not be sustained and werent, so frequency fell to once every 2 or 3 weeks, but I kept that up for six years for each of them.

You've obviously been a kind and caring relative for your loved ones M0nica and have worked hard to fit care home visits into a busy life. The vast majority of us try very hard to balance regular visiting to our loved ones with other claims on our time and my post wasn't meant to be judgemental about the relatives who's visits trailed off, simply an observation of what often happens. I agree with your first sentence regarding families feeling guilty at having to place their loved ones in a care home; it's never an easy decision to make and is fraught with both emotional and practical problems.

Chewbacca, Your comment that the majority of people you had in care, whether they got on with their children or not, were visited at first then the visits became infrequent. It wasn’t just so called bad parents that were left but the good ones too. I think I would be scared to go into a home in later life, no wonder people struggle on far longer than they should. I know of loads of people whose relationship with parents is good, but others. who are not bothered with. I couldn’t leave someone who loved and raised me, I don’t understand it.

maybe they weren't that close? did not receive such a favor in childhood and now do not feel obligated? always did not understand this position

maybe they weren't that close? did not receive such a favor in childhood and now do not feel obligated? always did not understand this position sad

I don't think you read my post properly KseniyaP. And I really don't understand why you would assume that they didn't receive much favour in childhood and now don't feel obligated? What makes you say that?

I can see a lot of posters feel that once raised, children have no obligation to their parents, good or bad. I just don’t feel that way, it hurts me that elderly people with families are lonely. All I can do is be their for those I know, it must be awful to feel no one cares. You give out love and it comes back.

Sparkling^I couldn’t leave someone who loved and raised me, I don’t understand it.^

But there are now - and have been in the past, many parents, who for a variety of reasons have NOT been loving parents and have NOT raised children in a way that leaves their children with any affection for them or concern for their welfare.

Family relationships can be very complex. You have only to read GN on a regular basis to understand how parents can manipulate, blackmail, emotionally and physically, bully and approve or disapprove of their children, all while claiming and seeing themselves as loving parents.

I am often amazed how many children love and nurture parents who must have been nightmare parents and are certainly nightmare and demanding old people and have done nothing to deserve the care their children give them.

There seems to be an assumption that there are all these bad manipulative parents out there. The comment made about parents asking why their daughter didn't phone, perhaps it wasn't the cost of a phone call and just they needed to feel wanted. I can see nothing wrong in that. We all see what we want in someone's actions. My response would have been to write a chatty letter, it would take all of 15 minutes and say how busy life was and there's not aways the time to pick up the phone and briefly say what you had been up to. It's just feeling included. I am only using that comment as an example, daresay poster had a lovely relationship with her parents. Just commenting that sometimes a wrong word or action is enough for some to take offence.

Sorry, Sparkling but these bad parents are out there. Not the majority, but they are there. I have known a number of people who had parents, who made life very difficult for their children. Only one was deliberately malevolent, and possibly mentally ill.. But the others, were helicopter parents who knew always knew what was best for their daughter and tried to micromanage their lives even after they were married, always there telling daughter and husband how to run their lives. In the end one family went to Australia and the other moved to the other side of Britain to somewhere inaccessible by public transport.

I knew both daughters and their mothers and experienced their behaviour, I think I would have emigrated as well.