Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

Mr. S. did the same thing last week janeainsworth. We've just purchased a motor home (he's collecting it as I type) and bought an inflatable drive away awning which he inflated a few days ago.

Our DS in Aus. also expressed his concerns as it's years since we had a touring caravan, we're going away in it for the first time mid September and DS is wondering if we'll be able to cope!!!

Having watched endless videos about how everything in the motor home works and having successfully inflated the awning, we've assured him we'll be fine.

Callistemon the other day DS FaceTimed to express his and DiL’s deep concern that MrA has booked us a space at a campsite in Buttermere for 3 nights at the end of September ?
Our tent hasn’t been used for 15 years & he has already put it up in the garden to practise his skills

I haven't said this thread is about estrangement GG and until this post, haven't referred to it. Nor have I said it is neglect not to visit parents as often as they would like.

Been there with my m.i.l. who would say it had been such a long time since she'd seen our boys, she'd forgotten what they looked like!!

It is sometimes a mixture of love and duty IMO Elegran I had a very difficult relationship with my m.i.l. for several years and would see her more out of duty as her son's wife than from love.

That changed some years ago I'm pleased to say and we are now very close. She was a very difficult and demanding mother, mi.l. and GM but that didn't stop us from having regular contact.

For every obviously bad parent out there, there are many who look wonderful from an outside view but treat their children terribly and lie saying "I'm not a bad parent".

That goes for some AC too. It's applicable to our youngest son but I don't judge all EAC based on his behaviour and see no reason for an EAC to judge all EP's, neglected or abandoned parents on their's.

janeainsworth

Yes Meryl and in their late 60s this old couple took their boat 6000 miles round the waterways of the eastern United States causing their AC some concern at times

Don't you and the Streeps feel any duty of care towards your grownup children, worrying them like that by gallivanting round the high seas?
⛵⛵?
How very dare you at your advanced ages!

There's 2 types of bad people and you see them everywhere.

Overt and covert.

Overts, generally most people can see they are bad (except the people like them and the covert people like them) because they are just open about who they are and treat anyone they see as less than them badly.
Overt and easy to avoid.

Coverts are the problem. People say, that person was mean to me! Others say, but he/she is lovely and always nice to me. That's what coverts want though, to be mean to some because they enjoy it and still be wonderful, and perfect in the eyes of others.

Coverts are the ones that do the most damage everywhere and have the backing of others to keep their victims in line.

One example:

Overt racism, people are happy for others to know they are racist. Easy to avoid and stay away from.

Covert racism. Declaring "I'm not racist" while quietly doing little micro aggressions designed to make people feel bad about themselves, quietly not giving people jobs or giving bad grades or turning them down as tenants without anyone having a clue and when their victims try to point it out, they cannot prove it, they can only know it is the truth.

Now imagine parents like that...

For every obviously bad parent out there, there are many who look wonderful from an outside view but treat their children terribly and lie saying "I'm not a bad parent".

annep1

^Sometimes parents are the victims. Why is that so hard for some to accept^ ? I agree Smileless
There are too many angry "children " who are making generalisations from their own bad experience. But the fact remains there are children who neglect good caring parents.

There are only so many hours in a day.

When you are working full time, with a young family, what do you suggest?

Most families will (quite rightly) prioritise their children’s needs over the wants of their “elderly” parents.

Late 60s is not elderly.

Nor is it “neglect” when you are unable to visit your parent as often as they would like.

I am trying to find a relevant poem to link to it, but failing. Someone else may know it. It starts,

"Speak not of duty, love always gives its best.
A deed called mere duty will seldom stand the test."

Mr Google hasn't heard of it.

Smileless2012

My apologies Bluebell and Bibbity, I didn't pay attention to the thread's title.

Once again the poor parents are the 'victim'. Sometimes parents are the victim, why is that so hard for some to accept?

A sweeping generalisation isn't it annep to say most parents who are abandoned are at fault, as it would be to say that most EAC are at fault for abandoning their parents.

.

The OP made clear in her post that this thread isn’t about estrangement and the “abandoning” is the family not being in touch/visiting as often as that individual would like.

Smileless They don't say it in exactly those words, but that is the meaning behind what some people do say. It is what the feel about the relationship. See my post just above this.

The memory has coloured the way I have tried to shape my relationship with my three children and my two sons-in-law and one daughter-in-law.

You're right annep.

I don't spend time with people I don't like who make me unhappy and make my life difficult.

People who love you do not make you unhappy, not on purpose or without remorse anyway.

I'm not going to be a martyr. I don't owe anyone for my birth or for raising me.

What I do for older relatives is love, not duty and that's not difficult even when it's complicated.

If I want my children around I need to be someone they want to be around.

I have told mine to just shove me in a cheap home and live their best lives though.

Lollin I remember my grandmother's first comment when Mum and I would visit her was always on the lines, "Oh it's you. Haven't seen ^you for three weeks. My grass needs cut."^ She was in her late fifties, perfectly able-bodied, and as capable of getting two buses across town to us as Mum was of taking the same two buses to her with me and a toddler. It doesn't encourage anyone to return, does it?

She had neighbours, by the way, but wasn't on speaking terms with them most of the time.

Do you really believe that what you have put in quotation marks, is something parents say Elegran?

Mr. S.'s is mum was always very demanding but never said anything as bad as that. She now has dementia and is in a care home, she always tells him when he visits that she never sees anyone but bless her, she just doesn't remember.

My mother once told me re my brother ‘...he never comes near!’
He was just getting in his car to leave as I arrived!

Of course she had dementia, but zero short term memory meant she really did believe it.

In some cases of course it’s very sad when there’s no reason for it and grown up children just can’t be bothered, but then some parents weren’t nice to their children.
As you sow...etc.

Sometimes parents are the victims. Why is that so hard for some to accept ? I agree Smileless
There are too many angry "children " who are making generalisations from their own bad experience. But the fact remains there are children who neglect good caring parents.

It becomes a burden when parents tell their adult children that it is their duty to carry it - "We are your burden and you must take it up, and phone and visit us ten times as often as you have done, and do things for us in your very rare time off, whether you want to or not, even if we spend your whole visit going over again how selfish you are."^ Before that they may not have seen it as as something unpleasant that they ought to be doing, just hadn't really thought about it at all. They were encouraged to go out into the world and conquer it, and they are doing just that.

If parents have a life of their own, with hobbies, places to go, friends to see, they are less aware of the exact date and time that their children last contacted them. Because of this, when they do visit or phone, they are not greeted with a reproach for staying away - so the meeting is a pleasant one. Parent can chat about what they have done, hear about what child has done, be pleased about good news, and both parties enjoy it.

Result = child goes away happy, is motivated to make time to come again soon. There is scope for a phone call a little later, with more news about some ongoing situation, from either one of them. Not an hour-long chunk out of a child's all-too-short free time, but an update on things, and perhaps an arrangement to meet soon. As someone has said above, phones have outgoing connections as well as incoming ones. an "elderly" person, unless their faculties are impaired, is capable of ringing - and also of making it a fairly short call.

You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

I sincerely hope that I do continue to see my children and grandchildren as I get older but there is no way I would want them to feel the massive guilt that I have had pressed on me my entire life. It got to the point where I could barely have a day away without a full inquisition . Don’t get me wrong I have never begrudged looking after the elderly members of my family but I have a sister and 2 girl cousins who all seemed to assume it was all my responsibility .

My apologies Bluebell and Bibbity, I didn't pay attention to the thread's title.

Once again the poor parents are the 'victim'. Sometimes parents are the victim, why is that so hard for some to accept?

A sweeping generalisation isn't it annep to say most parents who are abandoned are at fault, as it would be to say that most EAC are at fault for abandoning their parents.


























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And, anyway, what constitutes 'elderly'?

Late sixties is not elderly if one is healthy. I'm 71 and do not consider myself elderly.

A fly on the wall would often tell a different side to the story.

The adult child who phones but every time the first comment is along the lines of, you haven't phoned in ages.... and so has now stopped saying you can also phone me.

The elderly parent who repeatedly claims an adult child never bothers with them, even when the siblings have just passed each other in the driveway.

Hasn’t this always been true to a certain extent but maybe we are now more aware of it? People retire and have more time on their hands and unless they fill it then time passes slowly. Young families are so busy that time flies by. So not seeing somebody for a fortnight could seem forever if you are sat at home with little to do. Time is relative. Estrangements are a different matter of course where people deliberately stay away.

Anne of course it isn’t a burden to spend time with your parents. I’d hope it was a pleasure.
It only becomes a burden when the AC is made to feel it’s a duty.

Yes Meryl and in their late 60s this old couple took their boat 6000 miles round the waterways of the eastern United States causing their AC some concern at times

HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?
The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you?
Janeinsworth. I don't tell my children how I feel. You can't make people care. But why should it be considered a burden to spend time with your parents? I wish my mum was here to visit. I would be on her doorstep.
For many, parents aren't important nowadays.

Sparkling
I don't know how old you are, or how many people in their late sixties you mix with or know but you obviously have a distorted view of older people
Maybe you could widen your view of what we geriatrics are capable of. Prior to lockdown this old couple were asked to crew a boat being delivered from Croatia to Spain.
Obviously this didn't happen.