Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

GG65 We are talking about children not visiting parents.
Jen said rhat people who aren't busy start to feel neglected. As if they are being needy. I resent that.

I'm sure that has a lot to do with it Madgran which is a shame because none of us know what tomorrow may bring.

Yes GG I think you're right about mellowing with old age. She used to drive me mad but I realised she was that way with everyone and it wasn't worth taking it personally.

Mr. A. sounds just like Mr. S. janeainsworth he's been looking at narrow boats too. We have a holiday lodge so he was wondering about selling the house and living between a motor home, narrow boat and the lodge. Male menopause perhaps!!

Of course if we wanted to 'persuade' or DS back from Aus. a narrow boat would probably do the trick as his dream is to own one.

I have to say a narrow boat does appeal but where on earth would I put all of our 'stuff'?

We were originally going to get a camper van but there was a problem getting a part for it so that put us off. TBH the motor home is a lot more practical as there's more room inside. Ours is a 2 berth and plenty big enough with the awning for us and our 2 dogs.

Don’t have time to read the whole thread. When my Granny came to live with my Aunt she started telling everyone that she hadn’t seen or spoken to anyone for weeks. Eventually, causing a big row, she came to live with us in a three bedroom, one living room flat. Mum, Dad, four children and a constant stream of visitors. A few days later my Mum overheard my Granny telling my cousin that she hadn’t seen anyone for weeks.

No falling out, just indifference

The OPs original comment makes it clear that this was not referring to estrangement!

Busy lives, busy people ...I think it is easy for ACs to take their parents for granted, "they'll be there tomorrow...or the next day ...etc etc" ...and think they'll get in touch then when they have more time etc. Its not that they dont get on, dont care, just that other "stuff" gets in the way and are prioritised ...as "the parents will always be there etc etc" Ofcourse, eventually they wont be, but that doesn't necessarily dawn until it happens!

Sparkling - none so blind as those who will not see! When I married at twenty-six my mil a widow seventy-four, her sisters, living nearby, eighty-three and sixty-eight. My husband, the only child between them. The next thirty-eight years shared with these loving caring people, including my mother and husband, until their death. Not because I had to, but because I loved them enough to want to care for them. Oh, and before the old chestnut of not having time, while working and raising a family of my own who now care for me. Learning by example the best method of showing a child what is important in life.

When my parents married my father gained three for the price of one. My mother and her two younger orphaned sisters who my father supported financially and provided a home.

* HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?
The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you*

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

Alexa

GG65, I mean the power to be listened to with sufficient respect that what the person wants without coercion actualt gets done if at all possible.

Empowerment from general expectation that intellect, skills, empathy, and knowledge don't necessarily disappear with old age and may increase.

I’m not sure I fully understand. It sounds very authoritarian. Could you perhaps give an example of something the individual may “want done”? And would that extend to making decisions on behalf of other family members?

Age didn’t diminish my grandma - at 92 she was as sharp, funny and intelligent as ever. Everyone treated her with love and respect; but she was incredibly loving and respectful. It wasn’t automatic on account of her age. She certainly didn’t have any “powers” within the family, nor any desire to wield them.

Not Spaghetti, a friend of mine now deceased, was exceedingly gregarious and felt her life was meaningless unless she was with others. She was poorly educated so had never learned how to entertain herself .She was however kind and generous to all her friends and acquaintances
.

actually

GG65, I mean the power to be listened to with sufficient respect that what the person wants without coercion actualt gets done if at all possible.

Empowerment from general expectation that intellect, skills, empathy, and knowledge don't necessarily disappear with old age and may increase.

I still think, as others have said that some people are actually very needy. It may simply be that they never had anything they were particularly interested in outside their family - so need “entertaining”.

I know this is true of my elderly neighbour who “never saw anyone”, but who clearly had lots of visitors. She was usually miserable and tried to make you stay much longer than you really had time for... Another local (elderly man) told me once he did it entirely out of love for her long since deceased husband. He said “most people visit because of him - he was a lovely, kind and generous man”.

Alexa

BlueBelle, that is such an interesting story ,and I think it shows how old people are not all the same and have different interests from their offspring as if chat itself is some sort of treat for the old person.

Old persons often have really interesting thoughts that they deeply regret they cannot share with their sons or daughters.

So I think what is missing, besides physical care, is respect.

Traditional societies honoured and respected old people simply because they were old, and this was not only politically correct it was also carried through to the actual powers old people had as high ranking family members.

What kind of powers?

BlueBelle, that is such an interesting story ,and I think it shows how old people are not all the same and have different interests from their offspring as if chat itself is some sort of treat for the old person.

Old persons often have really interesting thoughts that they deeply regret they cannot share with their sons or daughters.

So I think what is missing, besides physical care, is respect.

Traditional societies honoured and respected old people simply because they were old, and this was not only politically correct it was also carried through to the actual powers old people had as high ranking family members.

Smileless enjoy your motorhome!
MrA alternately dreams about owning one and owning a narrowboat.
Is there a difference between a motor home and a campervan? We were wondering the other day.

annep1

Quick reply...I'm normally busy with my own life.. still (justifiably) feel neglected.

Neglected by who?

Quick reply...I'm normally busy with my own life.. still (justifiably) feel neglected.

I am not a pensioner and still working so I am as busy as ever. I used to live quite a way from two of my AC and quite often went a couple of weeks without speaking to one of them, no falling out or ghosting just busy people! Now days I am called upon for a lot of child care duties so I don’t get these gaps in contact. I do think if people aren’t busy they are inclined to dwell on things and start feeling neglected!

These topics tend to get a bit emotive but we can all only answer from our own perspective.

I would never say all abandoned or neglected parents are bad parents because I don't think that but some of them are and sadly it's more than anyone (me definitely included) really ever wants to believe.

So it's not always easy to say why there are so many and it is not really quantifiable to know if it's more than it used to be... Unless there is a study I don't know about. Generations grow older together so the numbers are going to always increase as we go through life and become aware of more situations. People are more in touch with the Internet so more information is available than there used to be and its a little less shameful to talk about these days

@Smileless2012

You mentioned “EAC” in the post I quoted, which I thought meant “Estranged Adult Child”?

I didn’t say you said it is neglect not to visit parents as often as they would like

The situation you describe with you and your MIL is very similar to my own mum and her MIL. They became very close after a difficult relationship spanning many, many years. I think some people mellow with age.

But many don’t!

What that's so sweet GrannySomerset

I try not to burden my Children with problems, I have close friends for that..

Some annoying comments which I will address later as my OH's son is coming for lunch in the garden. He's come 250 miles! My son is 40 miles away. Oh well....he's apparently a better parent than I am.

Sorry - lost the first post so repeated myself.

We used to visit a widowed friend of DH’s parents who was always delighted to see us and very good to our children. When I observed that she always seemed to be cheerful even though life wasn’t easy she said, “Well, nobody wants to visit w miserable old woman”. I bear this in mind when talking to our AC because I don’t want them to dread picking up the phone to us.

We used to visit a widowed friend of DH’s parents who was always delighted to see us and very good to our children. When I commented on how cheerful she seemed to be she said “well, nobody wants to visit a miserable old woman”. Excellent advice which I bear in mind when speaking to AC.