Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

annepl I know what you mean. If only everyone did reap what they sow, but they don't do they.

It's the almost immediate response of 'abuse' that annoys me as soon as someone opens up about any problem they may be having with their AC; abuse from the parent but rarely if ever, abuse from the AC.

As you say, there are no statistics and there aren't likely to be any either so far better to accept what we are being told rather than try and make someone else's experience fit our own.

You Can’t force relationships.

If the bond isn’t there for whatever reason the person A has no reason to contact or have B involved in their lives.
Blood doesn’t mean a life time commitment anymore.
There may not be abuse. There may just be a clash of personalities but that’s enough.

annepl why are you taking it so much to heart? The trouble with abuse is it goes on behind closed doors and is done by people who look perfect to others. That's the point, abusive people don't want anyone to know or they don't get away with it.

That doesn't mean that anyone who doesn't get to see their children as much as they like deserves that treatment... Or that everyone in that scenario is somehow bad. Its just an important part of the answer to the question in the OP.

I don't think I can be bothered answering specific posts.

I know some parents have caused problems.
I also know some parents are good parents.
We don't have statistics. So no one can say how many are in either group.
I know my friends well but obviously some people here know them better.
I am caring and respectful of my children. I ask when it is convenient to chat. ( I have stopped asking for facetime. Not going to beg. They obviously don't want to)
I help when asked, have my own life (not needy). My children do have time to visit and money is not a problem. And still they don't come. I absolutely never tell them they should visit me more.
Someone said "as you sow"......
Not nice.
I know others in this situation.
What is the problem with admitting this is true?
Sometimes GN just annoys me.

Circumstances do differ.
I left home at 21 and never spoke to my parents again.
Not all families are close or wish to be. There is no shame in that.

I'll have to ask him Callistemon. I'm sure he'll some comment to make.

Good post Kandinsky, agree completely.

HolyHannah

Summerlove -- "HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?

The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant with that. The first part I understood and I believe to be true. Most parents who find themselves estranged probably are estranged for "good reasons" given how they 'talk' here/their attitude and overall behavioral patterns in general.

"The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents." -- Are You their child/children? So You 'say' they were "good parents" from your POV. Nope. Your 'Point Of View' is NOT their child(rens) POV. You are judging their "good" parenting on how YOU think "good parenting" looks or what you think/believe are 'normal' parenting practices.

Which is exactly how the abuser/enabling cycle continues.

"Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see." and I cannot agree more with that. So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child and when you admit, to paraphrase -- "No one knows what kind of a 'parent' someone IS other then their child(ren)."? Which has always been my point.

It was a quote fail quoting Annep

She stated that anyone she knew who had been abandoned was a good parent.

Grey Nomads yes I rather like the sound of that Callistemon, sounds rather romantic. I wonder what our DS will make of it .

I expect he will have heard of them, they are a huge tribe!

not sure what to make of your post Starblaze. Most parents having problems with their AC are quite sensible too.

As for a thread being about a "terrible adult child in estrangement" turning out to be fake so so being deleted by GN, I don't remember that.

Of course it would be wrong to assume or even suggest that the posts we see here on GN about "terrible adult children in estrangement" are untrue, just as it would be wrong to assume or even suggest that the posts we see from EAC aren't true.

Maybe they just don’t like them?
You don’t have to have any ‘major falling out’ sometimes children just grow up & realise they have absolutely nothing in common with their parents so keep their distance.
I’d rather my children stay away if that’s how they felt rather than visit me out of duty.

Holyhannah most EAC here are quite sensible. We know a lot about what causes estrangement or low contact like mentioned in this thread from our perspective. Recently when someone talked of terrible adult children in estrangement, of course it was obvious to us that AC should be estranged. It turned out to be a fake situation that gransnet removed but there we have it.

I absolutely know that not all adult children are perfect and blameless. We might wonder what happened to make them that way and greater minds than mine say that childhood plays its part in that. Not everything bad that happens to children is the fault of parents but often it is a member of the family.

There's a lot society is changing and needed to change when it comes to parenting and what used to be "normal". There is a lot of study about being a parent but not controlling, not too protecting, not being best friends and too enmeshed so I hope the situation overall gets better rather than worse.

Madgran

So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child

Perhaps for the same reasons that some posters declare that someone is a bad parent, who deserves the way they are being treated by their AC even though they are not their child.

Just pointing out again that this thread was not about estrangement!!

Summerlove -- "HolyHannah most parents are abandoned because of them. Really?

The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents. Is it too much to think the children you love and care for might want to visit you

Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant with that. The first part I understood and I believe to be true. Most parents who find themselves estranged probably are estranged for "good reasons" given how they 'talk' here/their attitude and overall behavioral patterns in general.

"The people I know who are "abandoned" are good parents." -- Are You their child/children? So You 'say' they were "good parents" from your POV. Nope. Your 'Point Of View' is NOT their child(rens) POV. You are judging their "good" parenting on how YOU think "good parenting" looks or what you think/believe are 'normal' parenting practices.

Which is exactly how the abuser/enabling cycle continues.

"Unless you are their child, you actually have no idea what kind of parents they are. You see what they want you to see." and I cannot agree more with that. So why are you declaring someone a "good parent" when You are not their child and when you admit, to paraphrase -- "No one knows what kind of a 'parent' someone IS other then their child(ren)."? Which has always been my point.

I have received handwritten letters from four of my grandchildren (two different families) during lockdown. The lovely thing is that they weren’t dutiful replies to letters I sent them - I’ve been keeping in touch via WhatsApp and Zoom - they came quite out of the blue. I replied to each of them of course.

GG65, perhpas you thought I was writing about abuse of power.

If it was me I wouldn’t want contact with someone who called me names.

Our children have so much more to deal with than we did. Communication is two ways and encouragement and support will always get a better response than criticism

Grey Nomads yes I rather like the sound of that Callistemon, sounds rather romantic. I wonder what our DS will make of it.

I'm not sure if I kept any unfortunately.

Clearing out has its drawbacks.

Callistemom- I remember enjoying receiving letters in the post, I honestly couldn’t tell you the last time someone wrote me (or I wrote them) a letter. Now all I get is those horrible brown ones with bills inside ?

It’s sad that letter writing has become a bit of a lost art, a nicely written letter was something I’d hang on to as a wee keepsake - texts don’t feel quite as warm!

Of course if we wanted to 'persuade' or DS back from Aus. a narrow boat would probably do the trick as his dream is to own one.

It's not possible to do this at the moment but you could become Grey Nomads and travel round Australia, Smileless, keeping a little pied-à-terre somewhere. ?

where 20 years ago you would have no option but to lift the telephone or visit.

We wrote letters years ago; I wrote to my parents once a week (or tried to) and my mother wrote to me very regularly.
They didn't have a phone until we DC all paid for one to be installed so we could keep in touch more easily.
It was too far to visit regularly.

The advances in technology may also have a part to play. I find that I speak with people less these days and would normally send a text or message, where 20 years ago you would have no option but to lift the telephone or visit.
I do think that family need to choose to engage and visit, but I can see where the more convenient methods of communication we have at our fingertips nowadays may leave some older people feeling alienated.

I don't think anyone should underestimate the time pressures of both parents working, having young children & parents living the other side of the country (let alone abroad).
My children are now scattered across the country & we all keep in touch via what's app, face time etc & they visit it us & we visit them when we can.
Personally I would not want to feel that they only visited me due to a sense of duty or obligation.