Why are so many elderly abandoned by grown up children.

sparklingsilver28

^Bibbity - Also ‘abandon’ to me means there is some responsibility for the adult child to care for their elderly parent^

I certainly did not see caring for my parents & MIL as a responsibility! I saw it as A PLEASURE. Thankfully neither suffered with the demanding health problems that many carers today have to face.

How on earth do you think working mother's/widows/single daughters of past generations coped. Running a home and a full time commuting career while making private arrangements for either child or nursing care. No maternity leave or child allowance and any expense met from limited means. I tell you how it was managed! Without expectation of others to make life easy and with compassion and commitment.

So if all todays AC required to do is visit lonely parents occasionally they should find some heart and show they care.

And if they just don’t want to?

Stop trying to guilt an entire generation of people.
We’ve got enough on our plates right now.
And individuals can make up their own minds regarding their own relationships with their own relatives.

You wanted to care for your relatives. Food for you back pats all around.
Once my kids have grown and gone my days of caring will be over.

Bibbity - Also ‘abandon’ to me means there is some responsibility for the adult child to care for their elderly parent

I certainly did not see caring for my parents & MIL as a responsibility! I saw it as A PLEASURE. Thankfully neither suffered with the demanding health problems that many carers today have to face.

How on earth do you think working mother's/widows/single daughters of past generations coped. Running a home and a full time commuting career while making private arrangements for either child or nursing care. No maternity leave or child allowance and any expense met from limited means. I tell you how it was managed! Without expectation of others to make life easy and with compassion and commitment.

So if all todays AC required to do is visit lonely parents occasionally they should find some heart and show they care.

Some posters on here recognise now that their parents may well have had their own problems.

I can remember thinking what an old bag my mum was for a time, but of course, I now realise she was grieving for my dad.

People often live at quite some distance from their elderly parents. They may be working long hours too, so opportunities to visit might be rare.

Regular phone calls, texts and Zoom or Facetime might compensate to a large degree.

Sparkling, I think the word 'abandoned' is a bit harsh. I'd absolutely hate any visits made through duty or guilt - rather than a genuine wish to see me.

I know my four check with each other to confirm who has been to see me, phoned etc. - even though we have a regular Saturday Zoom meeting!

Obviously I haven't read all 8 pages but I have skimmed them and my comments are that I know very few older people who have little or no contact with their children.

Yes, there is a lot on social media - like GN from parents in this situation, but if everything is going well. it never occurs to anybody to comment on it, and if they did, lots of people would pile in on them accusing the of being smug etc.

We also we need to remember no-one ever thinks it is their fault in a situation like this. Parents always think they were good parents and cannot understand why they are neglected. But talk to their children and their view may be different. I have also noticed on many threads the tendency for some parents to love not wisely but to well, making themselves slaves to their children, providing everything they wanted and as a result bringing up children who are selfish and see the world entirely in terms of what they want, with little thought for other people even their parents.

I worked for Age Concern (as was) for 10 years as a volunteer Home Visitor and met many older people with everything from the closest of loving relations wth their children to complete estrangement and when their were problems the causes were often subtle and nuanced. Once or twice I had clients where there was clearly a history of abuse, but often it was parents who were convinced they loved their children and had been perfect parents, but who were sometimes just really difficult personally, or were scarred by their own experiences in life.

One son who rarely visited his father but began to do so, described a father who had been damaged by his war experiences, which left him terrfied of taking responsibility in case he harmed someone, who couldn't settle to a job, and obviously had unrecognised spells of mental health difficulties. The son, then in his 50s, had begun to process what had happened to his father and understand him and they became close.

But seeing problems in black and white never helped anyone. Problems of all kinds, especially inter-personal ones, are usually many shades of grey.

This thread made me laugh. I once picked up the phone over 30 years ago. On the other end was Mabels niece, (made up names). Her niece in her 50s set about me, because Mabel hasnt seen anyone for ages. The niece had just spoken to her. Niece lived up north, we lived down south. After a long 20 minute rant from said niece about how little I did for Mabel. I let her know in an good way, cos i am like that, that I had just returned from a whole day trip to a city with Mabel, who spent 7 hours looking for 2 skirts. Which she bought in the first shop she went in. I had just returned from Mabels bungalow who I visited every other day. I said excuse me I have to lie down, I am exhausted, Mabel wore me out. And when I told the niece I was 8 and a half months pregnant, she put the phone down. I did wonder if she then rang Mabel back to refresh her memory if the day.lol. I bet she did not. Such is life

BlueBelle

Well personally I don’t think a month (although a long time) equates to abandonment some people are more in contact than others
All my friends have different stories some see or hear from their families regularly some not and some hear from some children and not others no one ever knows family stories do they ?”

Agree. My mum and dad live hundreds of miles away. I’m in contact by phone maybe once a week, probably only for 10 minutes because I always seem to catch them when they’re about to do something. even in “normal times”, I see them maybe 3 visits each year.

My daughter and her family are very local. Can’t see them just now but when this is all over Id be surprised if I saw them much more often than once a month.

Our son is still at home. When he flies the next I expect it will be even less frequently, as he doesn’t want to remain local. He loves us dearly, as does our daughter. They need to live their lives for themselves and their own families.

Neither my parents nor I feel “abandoned”. We’ve built our own lives and family are just a part of them.

Some children just don't seem to need any contact with their parents. I have one son who doesn't respond to texts, though he does read them, won't answer his phone, doesn't believe in the safety of anything like Skype, so we have no contact at all with our granddaughters, which breaks our hearts. We send them books, toys etc, but don't hear that they have arrived. There is no estrangement, we will hear from him if he wants something, and he will occasionally send texts to his siblings, but he just can't see the need for contact with his parents!

Just recently we had a text to say they were returning to the UK and could they quarantine in our house! Of course we have been over the moon to see them, but they have now left, and we have no idea when we will ever see or hear from them again.

Our other children will respond to calls and texts, and are happy to visit, so we can't have been utterly abysmal as parents!

How can there be one rule to fit all??
Different families, different needs, different ideas on what is necessary to stay in touch.
My son, (for example) detests talking to ANYONE on the phone, if he does ring, then I will need to do all the talking. With modern technology, he would know very quickly if I was unwell ,etc and then would come straight down to me. I do not need to chatter away meaninglessly to him on some sort of calendar schedule to know that I love him and he loves me.
One of my daughter usually contact me (or me her about one a fortnight), again, no contact means nothing wrong. Two other daughters I only chat on the phone to every few weeks, sometimes I ring them, sometimes they ring me. Again, we are close and do care about each other, but do not need telephone chat to prove it.
Last daughter lives close by and I see her once or twice a week. If there was any problem with me, she would be quickly in touch with her siblings
One month not speaking may be normal for some families, for others it may be too long - there cannot be any set rules.

thanks Starblaze

annepl I also agree you were right to tell your son you were upset. There is a huge difference between putting people on guilt trips and just saying you were upset they didn't call in. One is love, the other is malice.

You have told him how you feel, he is aware and that's fine I think.

Sorry typing error..should read honesty.

Point taken Summerlove. .. But saying hello for five minutes in the front garden or through the window would have been good.

I do think maybe people aren't honest with each other, possibly for fear of offending or ruining the relationship they have. Maybe its time for sone families to rethink communication as Smileless said.

Don't reproach yourself Annep1
I'll try not to Smileless

Perhaps lack of honesry is a problem all round.

And in a way I'm sorry I told my son I was hurt.

I think it’s brilliant that you told your son that you were hurt. The only way to have proper relationship going forward is to be clear about your desires and your feelings. It’s when everything is hidden and expectations are not clear that problems are more likely to happen. This way you know you have laid out your expectations. He can choose to follow them or not, but you can’t be accused of being unclear.

annep1

Summerlove

Unless it's something infectious why would I not want him to visit. Did you never visit a sick parent?
Besides I said we were both sick last week.

I rarely see my son. He was in the same town, five minutes away. I'm not hurt about not joining him for dinner. Just that he didn't stop by. What's confusing?

And are you trying to say I don't care about loved ones because I want them to visit me when I'm ill? What nonsense, And how unkind.

I’m saying that with covid going on, no, I don’t visit Ill relatives.

You said you were sick last week, and that it was last week that he was out to dinner close to you.

So no, I wouldn’t expect my children to visit if I were ill at this point in time.

As for your suggestion that I said you don’t love them, I said no such thing.

Simply that I would be telling my loved ones not to visit. Nothing to do with you.

Don't reproach yourself for telling your DS how you felt annepl; he's an adult and is big enough to be made aware that he's disappointed you a little on this occassion. It doesn't mean that you're demanding too much from him or that you expect to be in the forefront of his mind all the time, but a gentle reminder that you exist and would like to see him sometimes is not unreasonable.

Very good post @ 11.49 Madgran.

I agree Madgran. If our AC says or does something that hurts or upsets us, it's perfectly reasonable to say so, just as it's perfectly reasonable for our AC to say if we have said or done something that hurts or upsets them.

Don't reproach yourself annep1 for telling your son how you felt. How is he to know if you don't tell him.

As has already been said, communication is the key or are we going to end up with a society where parents are going to be afraid to be open and honest with their own AC?

Perceived abandonment is vastly different too estrangement as is abuse and IMO neither are relevant to this particular discussion.

Oh definitely Madgran.
We never lose that desire to protect. We hate to hear of them being ill or unhappy. I worry about my son out on his motorbike. My daughter alone during the pandemic. When we have serious health worries we keep it to ourselves rather than worry them.
It's our natural instinct as you say. And I wouldn't want to change.

And in a way I'm sorry I told my son I was hurt

I sort of get that annepl ...at the same I think maybe it doesnt do any harm to hear that from someone. I wonder if it's harder to Eexpress to ACs because natural parental instincts are to protect I think, even with adult children. I have thought that for a while in my own case

And Sparkling I agree. We can all be thoughtless without realising.

Can I just add, I remember my mum, whom I loved spending time with, saying, God forgive you for leaving me alone, when I had to go one day. Talk about making someone feel guilty!
I would not do that to my children. And in a way I'm sorry I told my son I was hurt.
But enough about me.........

Where is anyone wanting to silence? There is simply a difference of opinion about the relevance of estrangement on this thread

I agree with Pantglas and Starblaze that there is a spectrum regarding family relationships. I also agree with Pantglas that this thread was about abandonment which is subjective. I personally do not think that estrangement is relevant in this context. It is fine if others disagree ofcourse, that's what discussion and debate should be about!

Thanks Chewbacca and Madgran for your kind remarks.

I agree with starblaze.

there is a spectrum of those families who are close and have daily contact, those not so close due to geographical distance but plenty of contact via whatever’s easiest. At t’other end is the extreme of estrangement where one party wants no contact at all for whatever reason.

However this thread was originally about perceived abandonment which of course is subjective.

I think they are on a spectrum and it's a shame that so many want to silence other points of view when they could just accept them as valid and still continue the conversation.

I expect I am just used to being told around here that anyone can comment anywhere about anything...

Unless you are an estranged child perhaps?

There is a difference between abandonment and estrangement! I'm not sure why there appears to be confusion about ggat difference.

annepl I hope things resolve for you