Not good enough for my daughter?

Your letter resonates with me Gardenrose
Our DD takes out her frustrations on me, because she can and knows I will always forgive her and love her. She too has been stuck at home with 2 under 5s for months.
It's usually over the phone with me.
Her inlaws are younger than us and do help more but she gets annoyed with them too.
Were we like that with our DP? I don't think so. I do get upset and in your position I would too. 5.5 hours is a long journey.

I wonder if the lack of help was during your visit? How long did you stay for? Presumably it was for a couple of days at least. Did you help around the house while you were there or were you very much " a visitor". Your DD is probably enormously stressed particularly if she has been at home with your GC all the time with none of the usual facilities open. Maybe she had looked forward to someone else cooking, tidying, playing with the children etc and you didn't do any of those. Is her MiL closer so can see and help more often? Maybe you are not a very forceful person and are not good at taking the initiative in someone else's house. ( I know I am not. I am a terrible house guest as I never know what to do and so really hate visiting people). Perhaps her MiL is the sort of person who just walks in and does stuff. You really do need to ask her what you could have done. Write her a nice, loving letter. Apologize for having not helped enough and ask for help to know how to do better next time. Could you perhaps suggest you babysit while DD and SiL have a night out? Or take some ready prepared meals or home baked cakes. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Bibbity

You have done your time.
You raised and she is now an adult with a family of her own. Which is her obligation.
You are far away and so your visits are as often as you can.
But you are your own person. With your own life.
She has no right to demand anything off of you.

Exactly this. Help that is freely given is a gift to be grateful for, not demanded. If your daughter is old enough to be married, have a family of her own and run her own household, she's old enough to stand on her own two feet. Any help she gets is a blessing, not a right to be demanded.

You have done your time.
You raised and she is now an adult with a family of her own. Which is her obligation.
You are far away and so your visits are as often as you can.
But you are your own person. With your own life.
She has no right to demand anything off of you.

Sounds like your daughter needs her mum. It's neither of your fault that you live so far away from each other. She just needs her mum and when people are in that mind set, logic and reason go away...

An apology is not necessarily admittimg guilt. For example.

"I'm so sorry I can't be there for you more"

Let her process these feelings.

Dont worry about MIL.

Just ask her what she needs from you, it will probably help both of you reflect on what you can and can't manage between you.

Had you been in touch with each much throughout Lockdown? Calls, Skype or FaceTime etc?

sodapop There's no harm in saying "I'm sorry,I didn't realise".

I took it the help was expected to happen during the visit, not ongoing.

How can you be much help when you live so far away from each other (other than emotional support over the phone/skype etc. ) and what help does she provide for you exactly? It works both ways. You're not her servant!!!

Turn the tables around and ask what help she has provided for you over lockdown. Even from your short post, she does sound the sort who will see wrong in whatever you offered to do anyway.

Ask her specifically what she expected you to do.
Sounds rather rude to me.

If she was my daughter I would be cross with her, firstly I would remind her that since I live over 5 hours away and much as I love her, I can’t necessarily be there at the drop of a hat, ( as much as I’d love to) also I was wondering why she didn’t have a word with you about how she was feeling while you were with her away from the children obviously, not in text messages ,

Was she referring to help whilst you were staying or helping generally?

I would have a chat and ask her to be specific about what help she is referring to; what help she needs etc. Then tell her that you would appreciate her asking you for what she needs you to do rather than not saying anything and feeling resentlful when you don't realise. Tell her that of course IF you are able you will help.

My point is, I am not sure why "help"! is apparently considered a right rather than a gift!

I do think that perhaps there needs to be consideration of you doing a long 5 hour drive to visit though. Not sure if MIL is closer but as we get older (no offence meant, don't know how old you are) driving that far is increasingly tiring and I think the younger generation does not always realise that. I have had to directly tell my ACs what I can manage and been very specific about no longer having as much energy to keep going etc!!

Gardenrose How old is your daughter? Is she perhaps a bit 'taken' with her MIL at present for whatever reason?

How were you meant to help more if you live 5.5 hours away? Does her MIL live closer to her?

Sorry for all the questions but perhaps your DIL is being a bit blinkered at the moment.

If she was my daughter, I'd be a bit cross with her too.

I think Sodapop has the right idea.

If you live 5.5 hours away from your mother, you can hardly expect her to regularly help.

A chat before your next visit (or maybe before - depends how you normally get on with her) should clear the air.

You cannot be serious FarNorth the OP lives five hours away and has driven to see her daughter and family, why should she apologise. If your daughter needs help Gardenrose surely she can tell you what is needed, you are not a mind reader.
Maybe things are tense because of the pandemic and your daughter is venting with you. I wouldn't take it all too seriously. Maybe have a chat before your next visit and see what help is needed.

Why not ask her what she needs help with next visit?

Is this the first time she mentions this issue with you?

Apologise for not realising, ask what she would like you to have done, and ask her to request help that she needs on future visits.