Not good enough for my daughter?

Unfortunately, I have found that ‘a mother’s place is in the wrong’. I admit that I’m a little envious of Gransnetters for whom that isn’t the case.

Gardenrose in Malta we say "you ask 'you want?' to the ill person", i.e. you just up and do it for them, but in this case you are not at fault - your daughter is. After such a long drive, which took an effort on your part, she should have told you what she needed, not waited until you had not done it, and gone back home, to tell you about it. This is not nice of her.

Yes thats the thing too i think, if youre still 'youngish' in looks or outlook etc i think your AC find it hard to take in that youre getting older or find things a struggle or wearing more than you used to- i have to point it out sometimes to my 2at home, they can manage some things that i can't, bins etc., but won't unless i ask specifically.

My AC dont expect me to 'help' when i visit them, they know i do lions share of everything at home (still have 2 youngest sons at home,17& 21, with slight disability) and ive arthritis etc.But any help i do give (making a brew, occupying the GC) etc.is very much appreciated..Think back to how we were when that age& our mums etc came to visit?- we used to tell them to sit down & wait on them..it was our 'roost' we never expected help from visitors..maybe shes felt a bit overwhelmed by the lockdown situation, with having kids& hubby at home all day under her feet, so much more to do, AND homeschooling etc..perhaps she'd hoped you'd offer her more help so she could rest a bit more- but youre not a mindreader- she could have asked.

I can understand why you are so hurt, what was she expecting, a spring clean from top to bottom. Because we have been through such a strange and stressful time lately I think on this occasion I would say I was sorry about not helping, try and mention the 5 hour drive and of course it would be interesting to know just what she was expecting. One of my memories of my mum is her coming to visit, spending all the time playing with the GC, talking to me and then on the day she was going home insisting on washing the kitchen floor, I could never work out quite how to take it!

How rude.
You are her guest, not her servant.
I would be hopping mad, and definately have a few meaningful words with your ill-mannered daughter.
Five hour drive, and that's all the thanks you get....... Grrrr!!

First of all, I don't blame you for feeling hurt. If my mother (still miss her every day!) had driven five hours to see me I'd be so thankful to see her and so pleased with her effort, I wouldn't have dreamed of complaining about anything! But perhaps your relationship is a bit touchy? Where does your daughter's MIL live? Is it closer or around the same distance away? If it's closer then it's obviously easier for her to be on the deck. However hard your daughter found the lockdown taking it out on your mother seems a bit hard. But sometimes it can be better to just say nothing when family members are difficult for the same of peace.

We don’t know the full situation but I well remember my mum coming over and I had to wait on her, hand and foot,get her meals, cups of tea etc.And she never enjoyed playing with her gc.
Surprisingly, as she got older she did help a bit more which was strange and I never said anything to encourage her ,it just happened.
You have a long drive to get there, and it does take it out of us for a day or two after.Maybe she still thinks you’re as fit and energetic as when you were 40.
An honest discussion may help,and allowances for how this pandemic has stressed us all.

Don't think you are not good enough in any way. Neither should you dwell on this or apologise. Next time you go, maybe you could say "anything you'd like me to do" a few times a day. Other than that, play with the children at every opportunity. I dare say that your daughter may be stressed and also that she would be mortified to know you feel this upset. Forgive and forget is my motto.

Flaming heck.. you have to drive five and a half hours to get to her what did she expect?? And by the way the way the road runs both ways?

I'm not sure about this 'help' thing that young mums expect these days.
I lived in Surrey -my mother had moved to Forest of Dean. I saw her maybe twice a year.
My MiL was local but not a hands on mum in law & my step mother had never had children & had very strict ideas about how they should be brought up- seen & not heard etc.
So I muddled through with the help of friends & it was all just fine. We raised our 2 boys who are now both great dads themselves.
I can understand that maybe if you have to work then Mum is useful at times but we never worked & stayed home to bring up children until they went to secondary school. I didn't know a single young mum who went out to work then. I know the mortgage rate situation stopped all that in the 80s.
Don't feel guilty- you did your bit when she was young & she now has to cope herself- no-one said it would be easy!
But it's worth it!

If your daughter is trying to work from home with small children she is probably stressed up to her eyeballs and a family guest coming to stay may have added to that. She may also be on a reduced income if she is furloughed or worried about impending redundancy situation, especially if she has a large mortgage as many young families do. Help may be needed financially, if you can comfortably afford it, such as paying for the weekly shop and some treats, while you are staying or offering to pay for something that is worrying her. Otherwise household chores such tackling a pile of ironing is another form of help. Your daughter may be as insecure as OP in asking. I know I would never ask for help from my parents when I desperately needed because of the risk of it being refused, and feeling bad for asking for help. Your daughter has opened up to you and I think you need to ask her what help she thinks you can reasonably give her, and see what, if anything, you are able to do.

She's a grown woman for god sake!
You know the saying damed if you do and damed if you don't. Your daughter needs to put her big girl pants on and deal with it. When my mother or mother in law came visiting I never treated them as the unpaid help especially after 5.5 journey.

Your daughter has a damn cheek complaining about this. What does she expect you to do? As an adult she should stand on her own two feet. Does her MIL live nearer?
At five and a half hours away you're not exactly next door are you? She's going to have to become more self-sufficient. You brought her up - how dare she put you on a 'guilt-trip'.

How long did you visit for? Was it a one day thing or longer? If only one day, there probably wasn't much time to 'help out'. If it was a longer visit then everyone mucks in, surely?

It sounds like an open and honest discussion is needed. Communication is difficult over such distance and hurt feelings can fester. Get it all out there and move on. Good luck. X

If I’d driven 5 and a half hours anywhere I wouldn’t be up to helping anyone! I’d be wanting a nice rest and recuperation before the 5 and a half hour drive back ! I think your daughter needs to grow up !!

I have been treated similarly by family. I do believe its in reaction to the pandemic. We are all stressed or nervous over one thing or another and it is easy to vent. A quiet word or ignore it are your choices I feel. Hope you are able to resolve things.

I think Lizbethann55 expresses well what I think. The ambivalence of whether to 'take over' or not. I am very reluctant to do so as I have a daughter who gets furious if I try to 'interfere'...just go and sit down. On the other hand my mother used to arrive with her rubber gloves and I was very grateful for her help and the way she seemed to make everything orderly and yet this same woman was accused by her daughter in law of just sitting there uselessly as a guest who seemed to think she needed waiting on. It has a lot to do with confidence of knowing what is wanted...my mother felt confident with me, not with her DIL. I am not as confident with my daughter in her house as she has no children and has to do everything perfectly. As for my DIL ...that too is a long lonely difficult drive and I certainly am not allowed to do anything as she is very competitive with me.
It's a nightmare. We all wish we were Mary Poppins and that others wanted Mary Poppins to take over...perhaps.
I must say as well by the time I have safely got to son and DIL's house I feel I have done loads and I have to return the same day! depending on how long you were staying I think it is a bit much.
I also remember feeling cross with my mother for demanding too much - I remember feeling spread too thin what with my two children partner and my job all wanting great chunks of me - my mother wanting more seemed unreasonable. It didn't always go swimmingly with her I assure you - but she did well.
Jury's still out on DIL \i feel such a failure there. I know she is pleased that I don't visit. She leaves the room when I do it is very stressful. I see pictures and videos of my grandchildren playing with her parents, staying over with them etc and have to take the view that it is better than them not having them. And of course, they live nearby. I live in a different city.
Let's hope we can all get it right some of the time. It's the biggest grief of my life and one I didn't foresee. I don't know how to deal with it. It doesn't help when you are alone. \But things happen, patience is helpful. I help in whatever way I can mainly financial but I do feel it is not enough and that is my failure.
Your daughter is probably just being grumpy, remind her how harrowing the drive is which you happily do just to see them. Ask her for some guidance for help...like 'can you bath the kids'...or 'clear up after dinner'...'sweep the floor' whatever. Doing those things can be offensive to some people I used to feel very generous that I let my mum 'take over'. It was my house and family after all - there are so many perspectives on this. Look after yourself

Did you do anything different to your pre lockdown visits? Just ask. We're living in strange times.

My thoughts are exactly as “Madgran* ‘s.

I am in reverse, elderly mum/grandmum and some of my friends think my grown sons and dil should help me more, contact me more, but I can`t ask for help...
at least I know I can`t ask,, I am learning

we have to learn to ask, whoever, whatever relationship

Don’t make a battle of it or things may only get worse and you end up not talking. You have nothing to feel guilty about or sorry for and your dd has not thought about how you have managed during lockdown. I think you need or rather she needs you to tell her you love her and how sorry you are that she is upset. Tell her how much you have missed her and the children. Then ask her what she would like you to do and if you can help you will but in any case you will always be on the end of a phone if she wants to talk. Do not feel to blame. You are not.

Well that's a bit odd as it's only in the last couple of weeks we've even been allowed to go that far and stay over night anyway. Did she want you to break the quarantine rules?

We are all in this situation at some point. We love our children more than they love us so we have to take their unreasonable behaviour on the chin. They get at us because they can. I did it to my Parents,
My sister and brother quarrelled early on and it so distressed my Mother, but neither would budge. My children all get on but I have been told ‘ Mother’ when I say or do something they don’t like. It’s part of being a nice reasonable parent. I bet Attila the Hun didn’t have this problem but even Queen Elizabeth is in the same boat with her children. lol

You just can't win in some situations! If you offer to help out...it's seen as interfering....if you don't, it's seen as being neglectful.

Just ask what is expected of you and stick to that.