Afraid to tell DD what is the real problem behind break-ups

Divorce is a huge factor as usually it is the father that then leaves the house. A five year old girl then feels that he has abandoned her and thinks it is her fault he has left. Hence, the clinging on to every man she meets, bombarding them with texts, checking up on them and being very needy. I talk from experience. Yes, they don’t listen to mum, yes they need CBT and yes a friend or sibling needs to talk to them. It is so sad to end up alone when you don’t realise your behaviour is not good for the other person.

Ladybella Perhaps you could tell her that men like to be the hunter and feel that they have wooed and won the hand of a reluctant fair lady, so retreating is the best policy - not too determinedly, of course, but enough to trigger pursuit, as you would entice a cat to chase a bit of string by pulling it away from them. Putting it that way round rather than "Men don't like to be hunted and feel they can't escape" shouldn't make her bite your head off.

I do think it is difficult these days for people looking for commitment. It certainly wasn’t perfect in the days when we ‘courted’, tried not to get into trouble, so not much sex, got engaged, married and had children by our mid twenties, but it was simpler. Now online dating and immediate sex muddy the waters.
I sometimes feel guilty I have not been able to marry my daughter off and even think there might be something to be said for arranged marriages! Two of her friends had informally arranged meetings leading to marriage and are happy with children.
One should be wary of The Rules’ book, many men need encouragement and it failed my daughter. Desperate chasing of course doesn’t work either,

Perhaps she doesn't think there is a problem if she doesn't want to have counselling.
It may suit her to have the attention from you and others.
You are too close and emotionally involved to really have the responsibility to help her.
Explain you are happy to fund some counselling for her when she is ready.
Or tell her you are going to have counselling to help yourself so you can take personal responsibility for your own mental health.
Then stand back.

I agree H1954 we are talking about a 40 year old woman here not a teenager. If she won't listen to advice LadyBella then there is not much you can do. I would step back and not make it all so intense.

This is very similar to my thread the other day about my daughters not being able to find anyone who wants to hang around. My youngest is particularly fed up about it and she too is very attractive, smart and funny. It's tempting to think of what she might be 'doing wrong' but then millions of people, all imperfect, find partners, so can it really be that simple? I do sympathise. I worry because she worries and I'd love to see her find someone to love and be loved in return. It seems so simple for so many others. x

I read an article that being quick in the beginning times of relationships is more genetic than anything else and you can't really change it as its part of your own dynamic - it's more a question of being more aware of it.

Your daughter might want to read Matthew Husseys 'Get the Guy' to learn some tools to help.

LadyBella, this must be such a distressing problem for you, but much as we love our children we should not have to go on dealing with their problems forever. It is not good for either of you. Perhaps it is time for some tough love.

Why do we now find counselling to be the answer to any problem? How did we manage before they came on the scene?

Why are you so afraid of helping your daughter? Time for some tough love. You have to tell her that she is the problem n her relationships. The more you pussy foot around the worse she will become.

Take a chance to talk to her kindly and openly telling her how you feel and that she needs to relax and let a new friendship flourish in its own way; if a friendship is truly meant to be then this will happen but not if she stops being so intense.

Maybe the time has come for her to find another challenge that doesn't involve trying to find a MAN ! ….re-training ? a gap year to travel if she can afford it, learn to drive (if she doesn't) volunteer for something weekends and evenings ...take up a sport or a course at college in something she would like to aim for ...foreign language and a gap year in that country …….animals, guide dogs, there must be something else besides men she is interested in ! Only got to look at the divorce rate to see a man is not always the answer ,,,and none of them that I have ever known would want to be hounded all the time ...even if they like someone it would definitely put them off ! good luck

They're *

Oh and she used that book after a guy ended their engagement. She's now a sahm and pretty much says that she spends all his money. she's also a chronic, pathological liar
. if SHE can get a man, so can your daughter! She needs to play coy as she comes on too strong. She probably engages in sex too soon, thinks their a couple and then bombards them with too much lovey dovey stuff. She's all dog when she needs to act like a kitty cat. Meow.

Ellen Fein

The Rules: How to Capture the Heart of Mr Right: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr.Right (English Edition)

Look into the book megan markle read to land harry: the rules....she needs to read a few books on how to land a man. I know a raging needy narcissist who landed her charming husband and the poor guy married her within a year. She can't stop talking about the book. It teaches how to treat yourself like a prize so men do all the chasing.

It's probably such an ingrained habit, she can't stop. I'd send her to a therapist that you are seeing....even if you aren't! Pay for it yourself.

But if you want to be at risk of getting cut off temporarily, send her this thread. Haha

But in all seriousness: just sit her down after making her her fav meal and lay it out as you see it. Tell her how much she means to you and that you want her to be happy. This post makes sense, so say what you said in that post. Sometimes we just need an intervention.

can't

I know you mean well, and only want her to be happy, but.....
You can take a horse to water etc.
If she could see her way clear to talk to a counsellor about this and any other stuff worrying her, she may find her own solution to her problems,
Most of us dont tell all our worries to our close relatives or even friends
Simeone outside of her circle night be beneficial toher

I am afraid you are the last person your daughter is going to listen to!

I am sure you are right, but I think she just wants you to tell her that it isn't her fault and that she is perfect.

In your place, I would hope that she has a good friend who will tell her exactly the same as you do, with the difference that she will listen to her friend and act on her advice.

You are absolutely right, men will run when women are too keen. I think that many men like the chase. I had a friend who was the same as your daughter and she literally frightened off all the dates she went on. Not sure what you can do if she won't listen to you though.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It’s very difficult when someone just doesn’t want to hear what the problem is.
A dd has a friend who can never keep a boyfriend for any length of time. She’s attractive, highly intelligent, and is in a respected professional job.

But she never shuts up. If she stops talking for a perfunctory minute or two, she’s not actually listening (or interested in) the other person - she’s just waiting for them to stop so she can start the ‘me me me’ again.

She bemoans the fact that she’s still single. When she’s wondered why, dd has told her - tactfully - what the problem is, but she can’t or won’t hear it.

I have a friend who, at 63 is still on her own. She was always very pretty, had a good job and always looked immaculate. She had no trouble attracting men BUT she could not stop nagging and criticising them. She has had some very handsome, successful boyfriends but as soon as they were an item she started telling them what to wear, which haircut to have. She drove them all away. She now lives in Spain (still no man) and I’m sure if she met someone now it would all start again. Some people are their own worst enemy and just won’t or can’t change their ways.

I note counselling is being rolled out as a possible solution. In my experience it does not work because the person being counselled is unable/unwilling to recognise themselves in relation to the issue. My DD, physically extremely attractive, bedevilled by neediness all her life. Many years of counselling of one kind or another to no avail. She is capable, hardworking and career wise very successful and has two wonderful teenage children. Her marriage and friendships however grieve me beyond words, because in desperation she settles for something less than worthy and disappointed when it fails to live up to expectation. Teaching a child to value them self is very difficult if their character determines otherwise.

CN23

Looking for advice,my grandaughter is a constant worry to me won’t take advice from anyone, has temper tantrums she is 22yrs old has little girl who will soon be 3
Her home is filthy,no routine or rules,food and money always in short supply.
I walk on eggshells most of time for the sake of my GG who I adore,I buy shopping for them make sure they have gas/electric buyGG clothes ,grandaughter does not have partner,
I’ve sugessted counselling but she won’t agree,I really do worry for my little GG any advice would be appreciated,thank you.

CN23 - have a read of my post x

She sounds like high maintenance and men are wary of women like that.
Valerieventers has given very sencible advice about Dr Phil`s
books,i have a couple that are out on loan atm.