AIBU to feel a bit resentful about my husband's attitude to my (narcissistic) mother?

Don't we get to a point where birthdays aren't actually THAT big a deal, and certainly nothing to have a hissy fit about. Why not go out together for the evening or go the next day or something?

I feel it's very important that the MiL has been labelled a Narcissist. Equally important that the OP and her Husband feel unable to stand up to her. What a to do! Just be assertive, for once? Say to her "what are we like? completely over looked the date and my birthday, so have re-arranged the appointment. Your SiL will be pleased to take you at that time". Job done. Do it for you, take control and feel better.

Are you really saying she asked your husband to book a dental appointment on your birthday? Sounds a bit weird. Didn’t she just ask him to book her appointment and he stupidly booked it on your birthday? Don’t ask me why she can’t use the phone herself..

jaylucy that a great idea. Treat yourself in the morning-make sure you have made the appointment or arrange to meet up with a friend. Then when he gets back (hopefully alone) suggest you go out for a meal in the evening. Next year, get in with an arrangement first.

I think he is being unreasonable. He could spend the day doing nice things with you.

Sometimes I think he might as well be her husband not mine nowadays,

Newgran2019. Sounds as if you a wee bit jealous!

Unless your mother is having extensive dental work done, I can't imagine that the appointment will take very long will it? Maybe 20 minutes? Half an hour at the most? That wouldn't impact on your day that much and will still leave plenty of time for you and your DH to enjoy a birthday lunch or whatever you had in mind. If the dental appointment is for a lot of work to be done, simply re arrange the appointment. I agree with other posters; if you struggle with your own mother, your DH must be a saint amongst men to offer to take her to the dentist!

Absolutely change the appointment- blame the surgery if you like but she may mention it to them.
You are entitled to have a lovely day!

I can't really see the problem. I can't make a fuss about my birthday. I've had 78 of them and its no big deal what I or anyone else does for my birthday. The only ones I make an effort for are my children and grandchildren.

I think you are right to feel unhappy. My dentist has cancelled on several occasions for various reasons & I’ve had to rearrange. Sounds as if it is very difficult dealing with your mother, why not tell a little white lie & say the dentist surgery rang that the dentist isn’t in that day & arrange another appointment. It is a shame to have to do this but might keep the peace. Sounds as if your OH might have been bullied into making that appointment on your birthday. Good luck xx

jaylucy I am laughing at your last paragraph!!

Wouldn't give it a second thought unless it is a significant birthday in which case special arrangements would have been made already. Just can't get into all this birthday preciousness especially when older. Be grateful you waken up.

Depends who requested the appointment - did your mother ask OH to book it? Or did OH book the appointment, forgetting the date ?
Either way,I'd take myself off in the morning and either have my hair done or facial and manipedi then meet up for a possibly late lunch and something for the afternoon.
In my experience, spending a whole day with OH on your birthday usually ends up in disappointment and or something goes wrong, so why not at least enjoy part of your day ?

Grandad1943 what a unsympathetic answer. We all have shortcomings and the op obviously knows hers and is aware that she is enabling her narcissistic mother as is her husband but dealing with a narcissist is very difficult. It doesn't sound like an emergency appointment so they should rearrange it and just inform the mother. If she is so unreasonable that she kicks off, so be it.
By continuing to enable this narcissist she will only get worse.

No you’re right - it’s newgran2019‘a mum, my apologies.

I stand by the rest of my post though, including the mummy’s boy part (although that should obviously be MiL’s boy - which makes the whole set up even stranger actually).

Everyone wants to feel special on their birthday. I would tell my DH that I want to spend my birthday with him and that you will change DM appointment. Unless she’s in pain I can’t see why it can’t be changed. Or if he says he can’t then plan a whole day for yourself. Either way take care of yourself first.

Kind, not mind!

I was going to say, it's not his mother and I've never heard of someone being their MIL's boy. Although my DH would do anything for my mum, perhaps he would not arrange an appointment for her on my birthday.

Perhaps it was the only appointment available but if it's not urgent can you not rearrange it and take her yourself on another day? Then make arrangements to do what you'd like to do with your DH on your birthday.
She obviously needs care and it would be mind for one of you to go with her but you have needs too.

Be proactive

@SirChenjin it’s his wife’s mother I think

...Includes riding roughshod over his wife’s wishes

No, you are very definitely not being unreasonable - why would you even think you are??

I don’t think your husband sounds caring - he sounds like a mummy’s boy who is desperate for her approval at all costs, and that includes his wife’s wishes. Is this the way you want to continue living your life?

If it’s a standard dental appointment then it can be rescheduled, surely? In the meantime and going forward youngest to think more of you and your needs. “No, that doesn’t work for me” is a very powerful response to unreasonable or unwanted demands

Change the appointment, tell her you're going out. Job done

I agree MOnica you need to take a stand yourself newgran otherwise have your treat on a different day. Your husband sounds like a caring man, don't blame him entirely for this problem.

Narcissists love to ruin birthdays, I'd just rearrange it unless it's urgent x

You say I've always been a coward when it comes to standing up to Mum. In that case you can hardly complain if your DH is also too scared of her to do what you are too scared to do yourself.

In which case you have two choices: accept that you and your DH are two of a kind and are too scared to stand up to your mother and therefore you do as she says for an easy life regardless of the inconvenience and unhappiness it causes you. The alternative is that the two of you stand up to your mother together as a couple and refuse to do what she asks if it is unreasonable. Yes, it may cause some unhappiness and distress, but so does doing nothing about it.

The choice is simple and entirely in your (and your DH's) hands.