I have a grandchild i love but really dont like

I feel really sorry for you and your GD, that you're unable to enjoy the time you spend together because she's been over indulged and spoiled by her parents.

I agree with those who have suggested not having her to stay for a while. If you're asked that would be the opportunity for you to explain why you can't manage her behaviour.

Your D needs to accept that what will be tolerated at home wont necessarily be tolerated else where and for her D's sake she needs to take responsibility and teach her how to behave.

How I sympathise ! You are not alone. If the parents are not receptive to any advice perhaps hearing from you that you love them all unconditionally but you won’t be asking them to stay again or babysit if you do. Perhaps that might make them sit up. It’s so frustrating to watch and suffer.

I agree with Lemongrove, you should consider the possibility that she is on the autistic spectrum. Such children can be very controlling as a means of coping, and parents don't realise to what extent they are being controlled by the child (family and professional experience here). Of course, she might just be very spoilt because her parents are fulfilling their emotional needs by indulging her. I don't see why you should put up with it in your own home though. Just have her stay for one night at a time and talk to her about your expectations. I think children (including the autistic ones) respond to "It's the rule in this house."

I have recently read Anne Glenconner's book; she talks of her husband's almost unbelievable rages and tantrums, in private and public, that she indulged for the whole of their marriage, convinced that this was a condition that could not be helped.
However, for a time she had Barbara Barnes as her children's nanny, and when Colin Tennant started a demonstration of uncontrolled rage this lady - clearly used to raving toddlers! - told him to stop it, and get up as he was frightening the children, and he did.
This little girl is lined up for some serious trouble as she grows. I do sympathise - but I also agree that nobody is 'forced' to do as she wants. A refusal, with a smile, pointing out that others want something different, and then leave it to the parents to deal with the raving - they are responsble.

I had a similar situation with one of my GS. The grandchildren all took turns, normally 2 at a time to stay over on a Friday even. As he got older he started playing up terrible, not because he was spoilt, I really think he had a serious problem, but he wouldn't go to bed, and answered me back all the time, shouting and swearing, it go so bad that some nights I would end up crying. The last time he stayed I said enough is enough, he couldn't come any more, but he wasn't bothered and he said he would make sure his brother and sister wouldn't come either, and unfortunately my DS agreed and they all stopped staying over, but it was their loss, unfortunately it meant I don't have the same relationship with them as I do with my other grandchildren. So yes I know what you mean by Loving them but not liking them!!!

What a shame about the situation.

I doubt your granddaughter’s friendship situation will change anytime soon given her demanding ways. Such a shame for her. It’s a pity her parents can’t see it.

Let’s hope your daughter has the grace to contact you to apologise for upsetting your week and your plans too. I’d go out and treat yourself with your free time and wouldn’t give another thought about offering to have your granddaughter to stay in the shorter term. You have my sympathies, in your situation I’d have done exactly the same.

Hang on in there, they can turn out to be totally delightful ,to the point that you can hardly remember their more difficult earlier years.

@ann678tifney That is terrible, I would be furious if either of my children had treated one of their grandparents like that, there certainly would have been consequences and it wouldn't have been also refusing to allow the other children to stay at grandma's house. Your son has in effect punished his other children and you for one disrespectful and badly behaved boy and I'm not sure I would be able to forgive him for that. I'm so glad that you have other grandchildren with whom you have a good relationship.

I think she has her own way in every thing. I personally would not have her stay over until her parents teach her manners and respect. No body will remain friends with a spoilt brat who I'm afraid to say could become abully or a depressed individual. All children need to learn boundaries and yes I have two wonderful children and 4 grandsons. All family have respect for others individualities and thoughts. You have every right to saying no, but until your daughter realises she is doing your granddaughter an injustice.

I feel sorry for the child. She has been allowed to become a spoiled little princess. Think yourself lucky she didn’t stay the whole week !

Your daughter may be angry you’re telling her how to discipline, but she ( and husband?) are obviously not doing it, and the poor child gets the blame. I am surprised you had her stay with you knowing what you’d be in for, but I’m assuming you just keep trying. This needs fixing now, before your GD gets worse. Teenage years are almost too awful to contemplate. If your daughter doesn’t want to change, then you have to. If it means not seeing your GD, then so be it. In time, she may ask you directly why she doesn’t see you, and you may then be able to chat about it. As she’s been so used to adult company, this may come quicker and be easier than you think.

Spot on Daisymae

my step grand-daughter is an only child - rather over indulged by her parents I suspect. She is now in her mid 20's and has turned out to be a spoilt brat frankly! Am not impressed with her behaviour. Good luck with how you deal with your daughter and your grand-daughter.......................!

I think the waving and smiling says a lot, obviously used to getting her own way all the time. If you have her to stay again keep it short and sweet personally I would pretend I couldn't get the parents on the phone if she is only staying say two nights. Plenty of distraction and don't be afraid to challenge screaming and carrying on, tell her you won't have it in your house and her mummy didn't do it when she was little and would expect her to be kind to gran. She seems not to have been given any guidance about other peoples feelings.

Sounds like ideal future politician material.

Oh my, your granddaughter sounds just like Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I can understand how you can love someone but not like them.

Your daughter allowing this kind of behaviour really doesn't do the child any favours. I hope she grows out of it!

Children need well defined parameters. Being overly permissive and sending mixed signals to a strong willed child is a minefield. An eight year old who 'rules the roost' so to speak, will get overwhelmed quite easily because the roles of adult and child eventually become reversed. Not sure why that's happening, but you are not alone.

My own granddaughter just turned ten. My daughter can't do enough for her. She has dance, riding, figure skating lessons, she has clothes, she has toys....everything a little girl could wish for, yet she calls her mother names and is very disrespectful towards her. During our last holiday visit, I stepped in, and she yelled at me to 'shut up'. After we came home, there was another row and my daughter called me in tears. At one point, GD threatened to run away and even shoved her mother aside. This seems to be how many children behave these days.

After their last screaming match, my daughter is now seeing a therapist to help sort out her relationship with her ten year old daughter.

Anne678tifney I, too, am horrified that your son allows his child to treat you so poorly and echo Forever Autumn’s post. No wonder kids are so unruly with such poor parenting.

I remember staying with my grandma and hated it. I was so lonely and scared in a cold dark , strange bedroom. In the 50’s . She wasn’t nasty or strict but I was left to myself with no one to play with. I felt that if I was naughty, she would call my parents to take me home. It worked. I was so happy to see my dad arrive to collect me. I still remember that feeling. I never stayed again.

I think you should show your daughter this thread - it sounds as if she needs to feel embarrassment at her bad parenting ( which is indisputably what it is ) & might take some of these comments to heart. A shame you can't discuss these problems with your own daughter - she needs to learn a few lessons herself.

This is really sad. One set of grandchildren are 8,5 and 3 and are a pleasure. I am often complimented on their lovely behaviour when we are out. They stay every other weekend. For a while their father was in a relationship with a woman with a girl of 8. The child was an absolute horror. I genuinely love children and would like to think I am fairly patient and I tried and tried with this little girl. In the end I realised she was a very unhappy little girl who was thoroughly indulged by her Mother. The child’s behaviour was God awful and she was disliked by adults and children alike. The poor little girl was so miserable and was completely incapable of developing and maintaining relationships with her peers at school or even her own extended family as she was violent to other children. It was so sad; Mum could not see how she was failing her child and condemning her to a possible lifetime of misery. In the end I pitied the child and tried very hard to spend quality time with her but when she almost suffocated my 5 year granddaughter I was very glad when the relationship ended.

I sympathise with this I too have one overbearing granddaughter who’s behaviour I feel is brushed under the carpet. Don’t do frequent visits but smile sweetly when I do hoping this is just a phase albeit a long one!

Leaving after one day sounds very drastic and I'm very sorry you feel as you do. But you do sound very judgemental OP, If your daughter or granddaughter felt you were judging them that may be why they wanted to go home. It may be that your GD behaves worse around you than she does generally because she knows you disapprove. I hope you are able to talk to your daughter about how you feel but listen to her point of view as well. Also I don't think you should try to discipline her when her mother is also there.

This reminds me of one of my nieces. Now an adult she's not liked by many in the family as she is still rude and obnoxious to everyone. She has very few friends, and her daughter age 7 is reflecting her behaviour and attitude which she can't cope with. She's also thousands in debt as was always overindulged as a child so must have everything still, without being a high earner. She had an accident as a toddler so parents overcompensated (wasn't their fault it was at nursery) but it's done her no favours. Really horrible person.
I would just see your granddaughter a few times a year and if she's rude to you tell her to mind her manners. Any screaming and demanding just walk away without commenting, don't feed into the attention seeking behaviour
HTH xx

This post is really heart breaking. How can so many people write off an 8 year old child, with just 8 very short years of life experience, put her down, call her a brat and think it's OK to not like anything about her. I bet she doesn't like you either or would have stayed